Points:
Time spent:
IP address:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
Are you sure you want to delete this comment? This cannot be undone.
Mark this comment as a review? Points will be awarded to the poster.
Your comment was posted, but it wasn’t long enough to count as a review. Reviews need about four complete sentences (at least 250 characters). Try writing another review that explains your thoughts in more detail — the author will appreciate it, and you’ll earn points for it.
139,616 Literary Works • 672,626 Reviews
This is Nikayla here dropping in for another review near the very end of Review Day!
So I like the imagery in this poem, let's get that across, though the theme is what truly stands out here. I found there to be a lack of structure in a way and I can see that your poetry has definitely grown from this point in 2014. The flow here is a little weaker than usual and I found the italics to be a little much in places, almost an abundance when you look at them at the end of stanzas.
This almost reminds me of a band name, The World Is a Beautiful Place and I Am No Longer Afraid To Die which I think that you might like, to be honest. It's almost similar to what this poem is like though this focuses more on the mother of the speaker and the sun, earth, and moon.
I love the ending of this piece because it leaves a lot of power behind but it could be stronger if you focused more on the emotional impact it could leave if you wrote it in that way. I'm almost wondering why the mother is asking this yet I realize the sun and moon sort of represent this relationship though I haven't ever seen it depicted in that way before. It could use some refining and revision, but it works for what it is.
If you have any questions, don't be afraid to ask! I hope I helped and have a great day!
hey darling. Here to review this beautiful piece you have given us.
First off, you know what a fan I am of your poetry. like omg fan.
But there are some things I think sort of fell flat in this poem. You switch between talking about a couple and talking about the sun, earth and the moon. Which really mixed me up at first, so I had to stop and re-read to make sure that was really what was going on. I honestly like the stanzas about the sun/moon/earth dynamic better because it's so fascinating and I've never seen it before. In comparison, the other stanzas, while lovely just don't hit the same note. You mention the sun/earth in the first stanza, which kinds of ties it in, but the second stanza doesn't mention it--at all. And then we're back in the third stanza, which is my favorite out of all them because it's completely centered around the trio dynamic I already love. It flows so well and does so amazing, and then we hit the fourth stanza. Where we're right back to not even talking about the earth/sun or the moon.
Now don't get me wrong, this poem hits all the right notes when you're reading it but I have this feeling that if you'd chosen one main theme, instead of trying to mash two up together it would have been that much more amazing. Or even if you had blended the two of them together better. It's like... You know when you have a cupcake without icing? It's just not as good, right? And icing alone isn't that good either. But when you smother your cupcake with icing, it's perfect. That's the thing I think you were looking for, and just fell short of. Because you have your icing, and you have your cake. The earth/sun/moon dynamic should in my eyes, be the cake. The majority of the poem is focused on them. And the couple should be the icing, something to spice it up and give it something that pertains to real life. If you plan on revising this, go back and look at it. Look at the way it's disjointed from one stanza to the next. Especially stanza three to stanza four. It should flow, and you should feel a connection to both stories- which I did not.
Anyway, hope I helped.
xoxo
Peyton
Hello, Lumi, you wonderful person, you.
While this is pretty, I don't know if winter is rolling out of the clouds as in it's coming for you, or it's rolling out of the clouds as in winter is leaving the clouds. I'm pretty sure you're talking about winter leaving since you talk about spring later in the poem.Okay, so I really like this. And I'm probably not going to leave a very long review because it's quite good as it is. Honestly, if I wasn't in the room with other people, I would have cried.
Mostly I'm going to look at your word choice in this critique.
Since their romance is one thing, would it be "was" instead of "were"? But I'm not sure because I'm not sure if the romance is referring to... well, just think about it?
I feel that you should do away with the line break between "precious" and "in," as "in the rush" doesn't feel just quite important enough to have its own line.
I like the sounds that "foreign vigor" have together, but I don't know if "foreign" is the correct word here. Why is the vigor foreign? You were born in spring, and spring tends to be pretty vigorous. So it stands to reason that things born in the spring would also be vigorous. Is the vigor foreign to spring? A violent vigor, perhaps, instead of a joyful one? I'd think about that word and perhaps think of a different one.
Try to find something different to say than "back away" here. Perhaps "recoil?" I feel that a strong verb would be appropriate here.
Your third stanza is beautiful.
I feel that the line break should be before "cut away." It just feels better to me, though it's not a huge deal here.
A general note: I think you should make it a little more obvious what your symbols connect to. The flowers obviously represented something, but I wasn't sure exactly what. Give me a little clue. An itty bitty one. I'm probably thickheaded, though, so that's your choice.
Altogether, this is beautiful. I'm really glad that you posted this here. I'm glad I got to read it.
dangit lumi
/throws hands up
I DON'T EVEN
<3
Hey, there was some really beautiful imagery in the poem. Every sentence triggered an angelic picture in my mind. It was simply wonderful. I appreciate how kindly you look upon our world, because it is a truly amazing place and incredibly fragile. It's about time someone actually showed it some respect, and you certainly did. Well done, you are a fantastic writer.
Hi!
First off I have to say this poem is pretty awesome. Your word choice and syntax is amazing and I love that you establish that from the get-go with the line "when the winter rolls out of the clouds."
For the second stanza, the line that states, "in spring where I was born," it feels like the syntax is too out of place to make sense. In other words, I thought the speaker was born in a weird kind of Spring where it is a location instead of a time. I would suggest changing the order of the words to "where i was born, in spring,/some flowers grow with foreign vigor," or some other way that would better capture the flow of the poem than what it's like now.
I am amazed by how good you write personification and tie it back to the speaker and whoever the speaker is talking to in this poem. The personification feels like anecdotes that hold the poem together and they are very well told stories. It almost reminds me of short stories where the protagonist learns important wisdom from cultural tales dating back hundreds of years. Which I enjoyed because the entire poem has that nice, surreal feeling to it that can be difficult to write correctly.
As a final note, I want you to know that this poem is not only good because it is written well and has a great theme, but also because it has a very unique artistic style. I feel like this is a good example of a poem that could not be written by anyone else, a characteristic/feat that some poets and writers never acquire or accomplish.
Sincerely,
Dianne E.C.E.
Hello there!! I'm here to review your poetry! ^.^
Great line, I love it.
Okay, first off, let's start with the punctuation/capitalization. I don't know if it is your writing style (for some it is, I can't stand it!!) or not, but if it isn't I suggest you clean it up. All the "i's" and "i'm's" need to be capitalized (only the I in I'm).
The punctuation in this is okay enough.
OKAY (I will say this A LOT), onto the content.
"and picked off each tear as if to collect them,
said the earth is a beautiful place,
the earth is such a beautiful place."
This section doesn't make any sense to me. :/ It's mostly the last two lines that trouble me. I don't know if it's the punctuation that's missing, or what. You may want to make this a bit more clear...
Besides all that, this poem was wonderful! The metaphors in here are nicely written and the word choice is good. My favorite line? Let's see...
"she told the moon all of her secrets—
how the sun had lashed at her throat"
Lashed? I LOVE that word.
WELP, great poem, keep writing!!
~ WillowPaw1