Deleted 42

by Lumi

Published May 28, 2014

In Poetry: 2014

Deleted at author's request.

Comments & reviews · 8
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GreenTulip
Review
GreenTulip wrote a review Review · Aug 17, 2014

Hi, Lumi.

I am so not stalking your profile, rather I read your other poem in the green room and this one on the list of other words caught my attention.

So the first thing that attracted me to this poem wads the fact that the title was not in English. Rather it was in French which is not something you see everyday. So it "the death of (something I do t know)" correct?

Okay, now to go onto the actual poem. This is very well written. I love eds the format. The poem itself wasn't too long nor was it too short. The perfect length to get the effect across. Very well done. The only thing that I might add is at your lines (to me, trust me I don't know how poetry actually works,) are longer than they should be.

But nonetheless this is my favorite part:

in the end, we all lie against the grass, rain tracing skinless muscle
and wait for the clouds to entrance and consume us.


Keep on writing,
Tulip.

fireheartedkaratepup commented Comment · May 29, 2014

yes good

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Arcticus
Comment
Arcticus commented Comment · May 29, 2014

This is just a comment. I couldn't let a beautiful poem like this one drift past me without letting its writer know that I loved it - each word, each line of it.

we are simple creatures, humans, and we search
our entire lives for the hand that breaks our bones most gently.


<3

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Renard
Review
Renard wrote a review Review · May 29, 2014

heyo!

I feel like this work is kinda melodramatic. Maybe not necessarily in a bad way... but you use a lot of fancy language: 'en finale.' you get your point across.
I like the title. Very French and very interesting. What inspired this title?
Your use of punctuation is in the main, accurate, but why have you chosen to omit capital letters from the piece? It doesn't really add anything, in fact, it's kind of distracting and in a weird way: it makes the work look "smaller" if that makes sense.

Anyways... still interesting ideas. Keep writing.

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Azila
Review
Azila wrote a review Review · May 29, 2014

"rain tracing skinless muscle" makes my tongue flop a bit. its hard-to-pronounce-ness stands out from the rest of the poem oddly and doesn't seem to fit with the image its portraying. It's at what should (or so it seems to me) be the climax of the poem, but it just feels rather awkward. Awkward and too complicated, especially in context.

The rest of this is perfection, as far as the likes of me can discern. "we search our entire lives for the hand that breaks our bones most gently" <--I'd like to take that line with me when I die.

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Giselle97
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Giselle97 commented Comment · May 28, 2014

Hi I'm Giselle and here's my review !

The title really caught my attention. Not only is it in another language but it also holds a lot of meaning, The death of desire. And what can I say? I love anything with desire XD. This was short, simple, and intriguing. I love it.

Keep up the good work :D

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FluttershyFan
Review
FluttershyFan wrote a review Review · May 28, 2014

This is short and sweet. Though a slightly negative spin, "the hand that breaks our bones most gently" is something very descriptive. I often find myself describing my own life as if it were a story or poem and in this poem I see myself. The name of the poem is the death of desire, right? I like how you brought that out in a desire for love (line four), or a desire for life (line five).



A person is a fool to become a writer. His only compensation is absolute freedom. He has no master except his own soul, and that, I am sure, is why he does it.
— Roald Dahl