Points:
Time spent:
IP address:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
Are you sure you want to delete this comment? This cannot be undone.
Mark this comment as a review? Points will be awarded to the poster.
Your comment was posted, but it wasn’t long enough to count as a review. Reviews need about four complete sentences (at least 250 characters). Try writing another review that explains your thoughts in more detail — the author will appreciate it, and you’ll earn points for it.
139,567 Literary Works • 672,608 Reviews
Hia there!! I must say this sounds wonderful and helpful * I don't know why* Also I'm not at go as doing reviews but I'll try my best as doing this one..
Ok well I must say this sounds like a song well the italic words do while the rest of the words sound like a verse of a play..
I hope this is good
CornTimber
Dude, I want this to be at the front of the last book of my trilogy! Very potent, and it speaks to the topics I will be writing about. I do, however, have a few notes on it.
The former English teacher in me is saying one thing at this time and one thing only. Fix the capitalization! That's the main thing that's been bothering me and has bothered me since I first looked at this poem before I even started reading it. Also, explain the title. When I first saw the title on the website page, my mind immediately jumped to the song of the same title from the musical Chicago. I'm glad it's not what you chose to write about (believe me, that song will get stuck in your head forever and not want to leave), but why did you chose this title?
Other than that, the last stanza where you mentioned the chess game, that line alone spoke volumes to me because there is truth within it as we all know.
http://m.youtube.com/watch?v=SBM82Ju2kJU
Did you know about this when you wrote this?
Yup. Chicago is in my god-tier of musicals. Even though the tone is different, I think you could find some meaningful similarities between the conclusions.
Hello, Lumi! IronSpark here for a quick review. I'm no expert in poetry, so I'll stick just a couple of things.
)
I love the line, "and in the final chapter, noted in red by chromosome three:/they both reached for the gun." It's beautiful and mysterious in a way. I do have a few doubts about this line: "my trespassers, though/i doubt they remember my name." Does the line break need to be there?
I would suggest adding a bit more punctuation. For instance, in the line: "history will be a game of chess lasting twelve years/between lizard brain and scotch," Maybe put a comma after "years"? That's your choice.
Some of your italicized words are questionable. "here are my sins, and/here are my sinners, i forgive/my trespassers, though/i doubt they remember my name." Does this all need to be capitalized?
I'm also a bit concerned about using "you" in the first line. You never use "you" in the rest of the poem. You could cut that out or use "you" again. Sorry if that didn't make any sense...
I love the flow of this poem and the mysteriousness (if "mysteriousness" is even a word--according to spellcheck, it is.
Great job and continue producing such beautiful work.
-IronSpark.
hey darling.
I'll have to make this quick, cause I'm supposed to leave in like ten minutes so.
This reminds me a lot of the "there are many names in history, but none of them are ours" quote. And you know I absolutely adore that quote, so thus I absolutely adore this poem. The as on the end of line two stanza one screws up with the rhythm, and you don't have weird rhythm anywhere else, so it's very out of place and odd. I think the word "chromosome" is a very...odd word to choose. I had to google exactly what chromosome three is, and ugh googling. While it's a very interesting way to describe the last line. If I were you, I'd pick another way to describe the red. Anyway, I adored it, as usual. Well done my dear.