Young Writers Society

When part of you is scared of being in the same house and room as someone to the point your heart feels like it's going to jump out of your mouth any second. I doubt anything physical is going to happen, but it doesn't help having been screamed at. I remained calm, so maybe it'll all be okay?

I started writing again, slowly but surely.

For a long while I stopped writing... stopped drawing, making 3D models, and all the things I used to find fun. Roughly the only consistent thing I did for fun during that rough patch in my life was video games, but even then some days were a struggle. I couldn't even read leisurely without feeling like I have to write a report about it -- which, in turn, made me want to puke what little I ate before. Funny thing is, only a few people ever noticed how bad it was. I couldn't blame them; save for my failing health at the time, I hid, and hid it well. I still studied, still received good grades, still could force a smile, and still crack witty jokes.

I had high-functioning depression. Still do. I also suffer bouts of anxiety.

I don't feel it as intensely as before though. I had to take medication for a short period of time to keep my heart from going haywire (because from all the stress built up, I developed a heart condition, which is now fixed, thankfully, as it was reversible). I had times my close friends and boyfriend had to stop me from doing the irreversible and matters close to the irreversible.

I guess I'm writing this post to see how far I've come.

These days I'm able to laugh and smile genuinely again. I'm able to play without guilt or feel like I was just forcing myself to like things I used (and still do) like/love doing. I started creative projects (some of which I'm currently unable to finish due to technical concerns such as my laptop dying when I render a scene) and appreciate the outcome of the work I do. Drawing... I haven't fully gone back to yet and that may take a while, fracture and all.

Writing? It feels like reconnecting with old friends. My characters feel alive again and I'm starting to remember all their quirks and unique qualities.

At the end of the day, as cliche as it sounds, what I realized is this:

No matter how difficult things get, there will always be a way to resolve them and move forward. No matter how slow, no matter how painful, no matter what... you can and you will find yourself in a brighter/less dark place should you chose to hold on. Don't give up like I almost did before.

If you need to hear this: you've got this. You might not see it now, but you have it in you to get through this. Ask for help if you need to -- heck, my boyfriend and best friend are the biggest reasons I'm in a better place today -- it's okay.

We're in this together.

PS: Went to the hospital today. Doc said something about four weeks of ban from opening doors, lifting heavy objects, etc., but it's not that bad anymore.

New Year, New Decade, same old problems.

I wasn't lying when I said it's generally going well or that it's getting better for the past few months; however, there still are some days where I fall back to the peak depressed version of me that did things I didn't realize I could or would do til I was in law school (aka, hurt myself, physically).

Just this month, I ended up with a fracture.

I feel like I'm almost at my wits end in maintaining this fragile mental health haven I've formed over the past year (with help from some wonderful people, of course) and I'm scared of going back to law me that was thrown into the hospital ER every other month.

I really don't know what to do. I feel stuck: by tradition, culture, and heart. If I face it head on, I know I might hurt some people that have known me since I've been born. If I turn my back now to completely focus on myself, some people might think of it as a form of betrayal -- and I'm the type of person who hates betrayal, much more, make anyone think I'm doing that to them.

Oh well.

Fracture's doing better. I can start lifting some things again.