Warning: This work has been rated 16+ for language and mature content.
Iggy
The clock ticked, making time seem slow. She'd been crashing on my couch for an hour. I look over at the arrows, 2:36 am. Why haven't I tried to take advantage? She's right there.
I grunt as I stand up and walk over to the couch, where her breath was slower than the clock in the back ground. I sat on the coffee table, slowly, so I wouldn't startle her. I stopped dead when I saw her peacful face, her lips parted to show her perfect teeth. Her brown hair was still in a bun, or knot rather, and her cheeks still glowing. I remember staring into her beautiful green eyes.
I remembered how she called me beautiful when I was driving her here, drunk as can be.
I let out a breathe and stood up, walking away. What was it about her? I grabbed a cigarette and flung out my lighter to light it.
Inhale,
Exhale.
Inhale,
Exhale.
---
The bacon made my mouth water as it cooked, and I let it pop and burn my hands. It felt good. Better than everything else.
"What the hell happened?" I turned around to see the stranger girl staring at me, slightly trembling. I frowned, feeling bitter.
"You were drunk. You couldn't even walk straight, I had to make sure you got home." I sneered. I helped her and I was making her breakfast, why was she acting so rude?
"Oh..." She sudden replied. "Alright." I sat down in one of the chairs at the wooden table in the center of the room.
"You aren't going to ask if I raped you or something?" I questioned her. I would've guessed she had jumped to that conclusion. She thought for a moment.
"Well, I wasn't. But I was thinking it." She replied carefully. She looked at me and when I didn't say anything she sighed, "You didn't did you?"
I forced myself to wink at her, "Not this time." I mangled a laugh out laughed, but soon grew serious again. I turned back to the bacon, flipping it to decide whether it was ready or not.
"What's your name?" She asked after a long silence. I turned to her, weighing my options. Why should I tell her? I don't tell the rest of them.
"Iggy. Yours?" I guess I could let it slip for her.
"Anna." She replied. I nodded and turned back to the pan. We ate in silence, and I couldn't help staring at her. She had something about her, I couldn't palce my finger on it, and it bugged the crap about me.
"Let's go." I told her after she was done eating.
I drove her back and decided I was never going to see her again.
---
I guided her through the halls, the blonde haired whore laughing and giggling behind me. I felt no joy. Usually, I was excited to get my mind off things, slightly drunk. But for some reason, I was completely sober, even though I had drunk six beers and should be off in Neverland.
The whore pushed me onto the bed, and then slowly inched her face towards mine.
I felt nothing.
She rubbed my chest and bit my lip.
I felt nothing.
She looked at me and I swear I saw Anna for a few seconds. She must have noticed my shock because she stopped, "What?" She looked taken aback.
"Nothing" I gumbled, pulling her down to my lips to keep the action going.
Nothing. I felt nothing.
I pushed the whore off me, suddenly mad. I jumped off the bed and punched the wall, frustrated. The whore just sat there on the bed half naked as I walked out the room, putting my leather jacket back on.
Nothing. I never felt anything with any of the whores, sluts, and prositiutes I slept with night after night. I never felt anything!
Except when I was with Anna, even though nothing sexual happened between us, I longed for her green eyes.
I longed, but would I satisfy?
I don't know.
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125,011 Literary Works • 672,841 Reviews
Hi Lylas!
Deanie here to continue reading your novel! I have taken a peek at your prewriting journal and now I know the kind of idea you are trying to shape here. I think it's interesting how you want to write a clichéd story, but then again, even though you can have clichéd storyline and characters, there is something different about every story that does in fact make it unique. And so far I wouldn't have pegged this story as clichéd, at least not yet, even though I do get the sense that this bad guy is going to be redeemed by this girl, the guy who can't feel anything is soon to be experiencing love. Now that idea might be clichéd, but the way you do so could make this book different and set apart from all the others. And I believe that wouldn't be a bad thing at all. I am looking forward to seeing how you will play this!
Now I know every guy wouldn't be thinking why haven't they tried to take advantage of the girl crashed on their couch, which makes Iggy a bit different. I wonder what is going through his mind as he is asking himself this? Is he trying to live up to this bad he always wants to see himself as, or is he just wondering why he hasn't when he has slept around with so many other people, and couldn't see how this girl should be any different. He doesn't seem to wonder about her emotions and how she will feel at all, so I want to know his thoughts and feelings throughout this process of asking himself this question instead. Every human does feel emotions in the end, and that's the truth of it
I noticed that the first paragraph is written in present tense, and then the rest of the story is in past. Maybe that is something that needs changing so everything matches with everything matches with each other.
I would love to have a bit more description of the environment that they are in. As I have said on YWS quite often, someone's house or place that they call home is the perfect way to tell a lot about them excepting if they don't have many possessions around and the room is stripped for some reason or the other. So describe the house and the area, and what he has on the walls! Any photo frames, things indicating favourite sports, musical instruments or more? I feel like we don't know enough about these characters and seeing things through their houses would be a good place to start.
I am never quite sure how I feel about authors repeating the same chapter but then from someone else's perspective. It makes me wonder why they don't simply write in third person? Or simply choose who gets this chapter and who gets the other. That is the only fair notion for it. Otherwise the reader feels like they have seen all this before, and have to sit through it being repeated, even if one has completely different emotions on the matter. The essence of the chapter will remain the same.
Well, this sentence hints that he has problems with life and so on. I wonder what he does, what his problem is and how he currently deals with it. It must be something pretty terrible or grave in the sense that he doesn't even care about being burnt anymore. So, let the reader on to what it is!
You mixed up breath and breathe in this chapter! Don't worry, this is a common mistake made on YWS
Oh, cut her some slack won't you! You know very well why she is being rude. She has no clue what has happened to her since last night! Anyone has the right to be grumpy and feel a bit lost before they snap back to the usual.
Again, hinting at something darker. What is he trying to get his mind off!
The emotions in this chapter seemed to abrupt and needed to flow into each other more. I can suppose it is kind of like the feedback SparkofFlame gave you, but in this case it is more so that we need some more descriptions. And by that word, I son't just mean in chat, but in everything you do. Be determined. Be brave and do what you think is right.
Would she really sit by and let herself be humiliated in such a way? I know she should be screaming at his back to return at once, to apologise, or in real life cases something worse because she's angry at what happened. But yes, she would be shouting at his back and feeling insulted because this man basically just rejected her body.
I don't really have anything more to say and I am feeling super tired! Let me know on your wall or somehow whenever you post the next chapter! I would be happy to read.
Deanie x
Hi babe. I know you said that you want a cliche love story, so I'm not going to comment on cliche things, because I respect that's what you want. (even if I disagree with it
)
There are a couple of grammatical errors, so watch out for that. (he laugh out laughed instead of he laughed out loud, and palce instead of 'place my finger on').
This is very...telling. Everything is very abrupt and it just doesn't flow well. There's no meat to it. It's the bare bones of a chapter where there should be something. It's literally just Iggy telling us the exact same thing Anna told us. If your plan is to write them, telling their version of the same scenes over and over... That's going to get boring very quickly. There was no change in voice, no change in anything to show us that this is a different character besides the POV change. When splitting your POVs like this, you have to make sure they're different. Authors usually have one kind of voice that echoes throughout their works. They can deviate from it, but they're going to feel most comfortable writing a certain way with a certain voice. That makes it hard to make sure that two characters are different when you split the POVs. You need more than "she never has sex" and "he has sex all the time" to make them different. You need to develop their voices. A lot. Like a lot. And you need to find the things that make them different and the same and really develop that into something to where you don't even have to tell us the difference. If you're looking for some examples to do some research, try the Peter and the Starcatchers series. Greatt examples of different POVs and how the voices are their own while still telling the same story. (And they're just good books omg)
Anyway, that's basically all I got for you. Work on the voice and showing, not telling.
Spark
Thank you! I actually wasn't really confident in this when I posted it, so I posted it on here to get some feedback. I'll go back and revise