If I were to be destroyed,
Let my ashes be scattered around
And nature recycle in a manner profound.
If I were to be destroyed,
There'd be no need to hang about.
After all, you have been employed
For my disposal into the ground.
If I were to be destroyed,
Save your tears for another round
For I will not reply to that distressing sound.
When I am to be destroyed,
Don't let my presence fool you around.
Keep a straight head, big smile, and go westbound.
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
Are you sure you want to delete this comment? This cannot be undone.
Mark this comment as a review? Points will be awarded to the poster.
Your comment was posted, but it wasn’t long enough to count as a review. Reviews need about four complete sentences (at least 250 characters). Try writing another review that explains your thoughts in more detail — the author will appreciate it, and you’ll earn points for it.
125,005 Literary Works • 672,798 Reviews
The stance of the writer seems to be a modern take on the mouning process. Dont mope over my death, celebrate my life, and le nature maintain my prescence in my stead in its own beautiful way. Recycling life. A process wich you find poetic. The structure is good, the message refreshing. You wont care because you won be able to. I would however suggest that you try to integrate imagery into your statement. Or maybe vary your vocabulary a bit. Of course poetic licence is all yours an if this is what you want, disregard my comments. Your grammer is also impecable. The last line is meant to tell people to embrace thier own demise?"go west bound". Good work.
Hey, I'm here for a third peek, and it seems like my advice will be mostly the same.
I like the rhyme in this poem, actually. I think it definitely fits with the content. The content is meant to be comforting and everlasting, and rhyming both gives the rhythm of a rocking (which is comforting) and evokes the tone of older poems (which seem everlasting). So I'm not going to say you should get rid of the rhyme in this one. I think it serves a purpose. You should examine whether it serves a purpose in the others!
Meter is still a problem, though. Do you know what I mean when I talk about meter? You check out the stresses in words and make a pattern with them; it makes the lines easy to follow and rock through. Perfect meter adds to the rocking and comforting idea that rhyming starts.
You can read some articles including information on meter here and here, and feel free to ask me about it if you still need a little more clarity.
Once you've cleared the meter up, all we have left to look at is the phrasing. Although I'm sure the phrasing will change while you're writing new sentences to fit the meter, I'd like to mention some of the lines you wrote and how I think they could be better.
Obviously, you want to avoid things that seem forced. "I will not reply to that distressing sound" -- have you ever in real life called someone's crying a distressing sound? "Don't let my presence fool you around" -- what is fool you around supposed to mean? Things like that. Awkward things you'd never say otherwise.
Perhaps the most important is considering the refrain: "If I were to be destroyed". Why did you choose the word destroyed? Is this a poem about an object instead of a person? We usually don't say people are destroyed unless it's in a violent and shattering manner. Why did you choose this word? And why did you choose to say "if I were" instead of "when I am", 'cause it seems like these are all plans for the future and not conditional requests. Hmm.
Anyway, I hope these thoughts help you sort some things out!
Good luck and keep writing!
Hannah
Hiyo hunny!
Another miserable work. XD
So the person is saying that if they died they want to be burnt and scattered. So they are eco friendly. I am beginning to look at this in a literal way before I get into the big metaphorical meaning at the end.
I really hope this person isn't talking to a loved one. Because they may not NEED to, but they would WANT to hang around (to grieve and stuffs) And this person thinks their only purpose now is to get them cremated.
If this is about death: it is the most selfish, morbid thing I have ever heard. I hate this character! XD They are basically telling the other person to get over it. And that's something I don't think you should ever say to someone who's just lost someone they love.
Now considering the possibility this isn't about death, just two people departing, it's less harsh, but I still think it makes the character saying these things a bit arrogant.
Anyways... keep writing.
I love you ♥