Tried to sleep within walls
Where perception is raven dust
And a flourish of a thousand flowers
Bloom
And ribbons stop clocks with tight abandon
Geographically repressed, stone cold in one position
Deaf, dumb, stupid, foul, devoid of emotion
Mute to all that I encounter in my subconscious
A stalemate beneath imaginary walls
The transformation is complete
And it's you who should accept that responsibility
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Canary word: Present
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Original Text:
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139,539 Literary Works • 672,605 Reviews
I'm going to start immediately.
First off, in the first stanza I think the repetition of "could only watch" is used WAY too much.
Also, try to use different words instead of "sleep". Rest is a good one, or slumber, etc.
Another thing is that in the second stanza there was a too small amount of rhyming. It messed up the flow of the song, I thought.
That's about all I can think of.
Sorry if I seem rude, trying to win the review day challenge!
Hegggggggggo...... review time!
You said yourself that this work was miserable, but I don't actually think that when I look at it. 'Nausea' is a pretty icky title, but it doesn't make me feel bad.
I was also lucky enough to get a bit of background context about who this work could be 'dedicated' to (for want of a better word.) When I knew that, lines like this made more sense:
I think this work pays homage to a certain state of mind and that is associated with the person you have written it about. Without the knowledge of this context I would have said that:
This was about a very different emotional state than the one you were actually referring to.
If I'm honest, I'm not sure about the rhyming here:
It seems like you've chosen it because it was the only word you could think of at the time that rhymed with 'watch.' -.-
Maybe a different word?
Other than that, I don't have any criticisms. Compared to previous works of yours this one is rather muted (pardon the pun) XD and romantic.
It's not ALL that dark, in fact, I think it is rather pretty. And very Gothic.
You have furthered your style with this work hunny.
Well done.
Spoiler