I feel your vows spilling out onto the carpet
All in sequence like a deadly game of dominoes
Who wins, who loses, it makes me speculate
About the haves, the have nots, and whatever we don’t know
But you haven’t a clue, your deduction is a farce
A picture only paints a painting in your simple mind
And in your most simple eyes I see a rose bud fade
Love wasn’t the treasure you expected me to find
So trade with me with your cold hands
Sub zero transaction, death all in your palms
Better wear gloves near your cold hands
Maybe by the time its dark you’ll be a bit calm
Previous encounters with the mirror in the bathroom
Revealed that you were keen on ruining yourself
And for what? So you could blame me for some sort of neglect?
I didn’t pick up scissors, didn’t stab your pretty head
Like you promised to your guru who nests in your mind
You take advice from friends who are fragments, who are false
And in your simple eyes I can see the rose bud fade
We can add that to a list of a million sins to your vault
So trade with me with your cold hands
Sub zero transaction, death all in your palms
Better wear gloves near your cold hands
Maybe by the time its dark you’ll be a bit calm
In my eyes you are a switchblade
Always playing “spin the bottle” with your maids
They offer you food, drink and pillows for the night
Sleeping naked with your shoulders fighting for some life
And what will you try next?
You could just about get away with everything
So trade with me with your cold hands
Sub zero transaction, death all in your palms
Better wear gloves near your cold hands
Maybe by the time its dark you’ll be a bit calm
You could just about get away with everything
You could just about get away with everything
You could just about get away with everything
You could just about get away with everything
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
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125,004 Literary Works • 672,792 Reviews
Hellooo.
Hassan here with a review.
This will probably be my last review today, so I'll try to make it really good.
So lets begin.
Hmm. I liked the vibe in this. The flow was very good and consistent. I loved some of the lines.
"Who wins, who loses, it makes me speculate
About the haves, the have nots, and whatever we don’t know"
AND
"And in your simple eyes I can see the rose bud fade
We can add that to a list of a million sins to your vault"
I loved these two. Made me think of the band rise against from their early albums.
The repetition is just right. Not overdone.
I loved the way you brought all the elements of the confusion and emotions and everything together.
Good job!
Hassan
Hell to you and *drum roll* Happy September Review Day!!!
Nitpicks first. There aren't many though, seriously.
Maybe by the time its dark you’ll be a bit calm
Maybe the time it's dark you'll be a bit calm.
Always playing “spin the bottle” with your maids
I know you would normally have the speech marks on spin the bottle, but seeing as it's in a song, I don't think you need it. Unless you specifically want the person to sing with a sarcastic or emphasized voice for that part.
You could just about get away with everything
I thought maybe you could change it to anything. This is just my preference of course, so only change it if you're happy to. You can get away with anything is a phrase more commonly used than everything.
Now for praise. I agree with shaylinmrmjm22, it's amazing. I'm not even sure if the metaphors are metaphors or if you mean them literally. So much anger and emotion comes through in this. Maybe even jealousy that this guy gets away with so much.
Great work... *whisper* you should add a link to you singing it!
Just simply wow... -Shaylin