Warning: This work has been rated 16+ for violence and mature content.
Solemn legs in a solemn chair.
Huddled in like lemmings in the sea.
He used to always shout with glee.
Now he slumps in despair.
Cannot even live up to his needs.
Nor his young family's.
Frank's mad.
Stiff orders barked from overseas.
Temptation to fly back.
Temptation for bullets to make skulls crack.
Instead he must roam with the fleas.
Cannot move anymore with ease.
Frank's bored.
Hears firecrackers and assumes the worst.
Images burning through his mind.
What hidden desires in his wife could he find?
Aside from the thought of a hearse.
Aside from the notion of needing to burst.
Frank's stumped.
Opens fire on the battlefield.
Childhood pictures with bullet holes.
His wife's dependence a massive toll.
Removed her for he had nothing to yield.
The calibre the last thing he would feel.
Frank's dead.
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
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125,004 Literary Works • 672,792 Reviews
Simply put... I love this. Frank, as you named the character, was surprisingly an interesting character. I like how you keep each stanza similar by putting "Frank's ___" after each one. This poem describes perfectly how PTSD is represented through people. You seem to understand the topic so well, and that made this a much more interesting poem to read.
It was repetitive, but that, in my opinion, was a nice touch. To me, that represents the flashbacks Frank had and how it was like repeating events. The stanzas were very interesting, especially the last one. Eventually Frank loses it, and in such simplistic words you describe something so complex and detailed. That takes talent, which you obviously have! I cant wait to see more from you.
RoyalHighness has arrived to review!
Wow, again, my dear, you have a gift for creating vivid scenes with just a few words. All poets do, but yours really struck a chord with me. The repetition of Frank's emotions rounded off with the last clincher gave a sweet structure to a poem about chaos. I don't know what else I can say, but I loved this poem. It was dramatic without being over the top, and it was moving without being sentimental. Great, great job!
Wow, really powerful poem! But you don't need me to tell you that; I'm sure you already know!
So let's breeze over some little nitpicking and get to compliments, shall we?
Nitpicks!
Spoiler
First of all, did you mean "fleas"?
And second of all, if this is all one sentence, perhaps you could change the period to a comma. There are a lot of fragments in this poem which I think is a metaphor for: A) Frank's state of mind, B) Frank's experiences or C) Frank's dismembered life. But I think the meaning is lost in this particular case... I mean, I had to read it a few times to understand what you were trying to say. It's just a thought.
Uhm I think that's the only nitpick I could find so let's keep going.
Content
Spoiler
Conclusion
Overall, a fabulously well-done piece. I give your wonderful work eight stars out of ten! Great job!!
Hi honey.
Hmmm. This was depressing. I know what you based it on. At the same time, it was like... ;(
Anyways, review:
What Went Well
1. You have used punctuation perfectly. The blunt stop at the end of every line makes a point about the blunt stop to life that accompanies war. So even your punctuation reflects your meaning.
2. This time, there is the right balance between repetition and not repeating yourself, prime example being in the opening lines where you make two different points in a similar way
3. This poem tells a story and isn't just a rant like some of your older works. I much prefer this style. Also because, it actually has characters and a proper voice now.
Even Better If
1. You had experimented with stanzas and the way they are laid out a bit more, make it look more dynamic.
2. There were some emphasis put on different points for example: Frank's dead, just seemed a bit nonchalant as it wasn't bolded or didn't have an exclamation mark or anything.
3. You could develop the characters a bit more and write from first person and third person, so switch up POVs.
I love you and your writing hunny.
-huggles- ♥