Warning: This work has been rated 18+ for language, violence, and mature content.
I was in the cathouse
Rosemary danced the dance
I was in the cathouse
Was her number one fan
Where she hid?
I want an encore
She's worth every dollar
Pins me down to the floor
Makes me shiver in delight
It's the thought of her kisses
One of these days
She’s bound to be my Mrs.
Her sex appeal!
Her sex appeal's high!
Appeal- oh God, gives me rawest fun
Appeal- such a warm son of a gun
Sends chills to my bones, my spine's shivering
Appeal- my skin quivers but I don't care
Appeal- can't live without her sex
Mama don't bother helping, she gets me too vexed
Her sex appeal!
Her sex appeal's high!
I saw the future
Damnation for my sin
I saw the future
But it's really not that grim
The lake of fire
With me and my papillon
Hypocrisy
In the local church this is going on
I talk to myself
In my sleep, I scream her name
"Oh, Rosemary! OH!
Ohhhhhhhhhhhhh.........
Oh, Jesus, let's do it again!"
Yeah, sex appeal!
Her sex appeal's high!
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
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125,025 Literary Works • 672,762 Reviews
Hello there!
It's always difficult to judge the rhyming and rhythm of lyrics based on how they sound while reading them straight, since they're always very different once they're put to music. Because of that, I won't review those aspects of the song.
First of all, the words "sex appeal" sound sort of clinical and conflict with the overall style that I think you're going for. I would suggest using a wording that's more consistent with the casual tone of this.
I didn't find this very humorous. There's nothing that makes it stand out from the many other songs about sex appeal. The idea is overdone, and I don't feel like you brought anything new to it. It was frankly quite boring to read. I think you could fix it by finding a way to make this unique. There's nothing really special about it yet. This has potential, but you didn't quite live up to it. I think if you dug deep enough, you could find something to make it interesting.
Keep on keeping on.
Hey there!
Hadj here to review your work! (GO BLACK!)
Criticism
Overall, I did not enjoy this work. It sounded like something I'd read on a middle school bathroom stall. The entire thing was childishly written and a lot of the rhyming sounded forced. A few examples of forced rhyming: "Kisses"-"Mrs" (Misses might work better here), "Sex"-"Vexed", this wasn't so much the words themselves but the use of them. I think vexed wasn't really the appropriate word for the lyric, but it was only used because it rhymed well with "sex"
Praise
I admit, I chuckled a few times while reading this. You did a good job keeping it fresh and original, and the repetition made it interesting.
Good work, you definitely have a solid sense of humor,
Keep writing,
~Hadj
I really want to review this but I'm going to wait for review day... I shall return...