Animals:
Light, dark, big, small
Smart, not so smart, annoying, helpful
As in all other things,
You say
Or call it: that
It:
Them spotted things,
Those toothy arrogant orange and striped
Or dangerous swinging territorial jungle boons.
But if you knew,
The extent of truth,
And purity
You would not say
Such distasteful things.
They are us,
In a raw form
Clearest of all in a ray of light
As bright as angels
So much that they are misunderstood.
Uncivilized perhaps,
But altogether us.
So when compared,
Our efforts at beauty
Are folly.
They represent our future,
We cannot ignore
Their fate
For it is also ours.
Their history entwined with ours.
So you see,
They cannot be forgotten.
So you see,
Anything against them,
Is against us.
The Truth.
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
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125,005 Literary Works • 672,798 Reviews
This poem was great! What you wrote is so entirely true; I love it! You are quite the poet, my friend!!!!
The first time I read this poem, I was a little confused... Who was "they." But your final line answered that very question, so that when I read it again it made perfect sense.
However, I felt that this is an odd way to explain the whole poem. Without a doubt, it worked, but I think you could have written this line better so that it can fit in with the rest of your poem. In a way, the dash makes it seem as if the animals themselves are telling us this, but it is clear that you are the narrator. Something like "They are the Animals" may be better. Of course, this is entirely your own choice and doesn't require editing unless you agree. I do like Hannah's idea of switching the title and the final line.
Otherwise, you did a wonderful job!
This is so true. It is The Truth.
Keep up your amazing poetic work, buddy!
Hello! ^^ Seb here for a review
First of all, welcome to YWS! You're a fantastic poet <3
I really enjoyed reading this poem. It was short and meaningful, and it flowed very well.
I'm going to to criticisms first--but there aren't many.
I think you should have avoided the punctuation at the end of the lines. It made it look a bit silly, and I don't like the effect it had. If I were you, I would remove the punctuation entirely, or use it very scarcely. If you remove the punctuation entirely, it'll give it a rambling effect, and I think that would be cool.
I'm a little confused about these lines and what they mean.
I like these lines, but I think they would flow better if you change "true" to "truth" and "pure" to "purity."
These are probably my favorite lines. They're very powerful, very meaningful. I like them a lot <3
This poem was very good. I enjoyed reading it! I hope you continue to write and upload more, because I would love to read those too!
I was saying that they 'are pure' rather than they 'are purity.' Though, maybe that sounds better, I don't know. I don't want to change the meaning, however. Thank you for reviewing. I appreciate it.
Let's see. I had to read this poem a few times to get what you were trying to convey, but I might understand now. I'm going to focus on grammar now, though.
Alright, grammar time!
I'm not sure I understand this line. Does it mean that we call animals "it" and "that"? Could you please clarify? Confusing your readers isn't the best way to start off a poem.
You also seem to have a lot of unnecessary commas at the ends of lines. I'll take a section and show you.
The commas I crossed out aren't needed, and they make my brain stumble when I read it. It's very confusing, and it happens a lot. I recommend you remove them.
Now, content-wise, I'm not sure what you mean. Are the humans saying that they are dependent on animals? Are the animals saying that they are dependent on humans? The last line would suggest so. The thing is, I don't know how this is. Your poem would apply to domestic creatures, sure, but not wild animals.
However, your writing style is very fluid and smooth. I love your word choice in some places, like here.
This is great word choice, minus the comma mistakes I pointed out earlier.
Overall, while I think that the concept of your poem is flawed, I like your simple yet elegant writing style.
Keep on writing!
My grammar mistakes were trying to convey a certain point, but maybe it came off wrong. I will try and see how to better portray my meaning.
Hmm. Okay, I know that surprises are good and fun and interesting when you don't see them coming, but I think this poem was too vague to try to guess what the meaning was at all without first knowing that "them" was animals. Would you consider switching your title and last line, so the title is "animals" and the last line is "the truth"? That would give the reader a better idea of what they are reading so they don't get completely lost in the vagueness and stop reading before they get to the big reveal. ;_;
Did you notice that this poem has no imagery? It's made up of only abstract and philosophical thoughts -- it's just speaking mind to mind with the reader, through words that we have to decode and process logically. Do you think specific examples or images would be helpful to connect to the readers who don't already agree with your philosophy? For example, how are they our future? How do they represent our future? Can you show us an image of what that means?
I really love the opener of this poem, though, I hope you know that! "As in all other things" is so grounded, so full of life, and so clear and to the point. It immediately connects this poem to the rest of life, and we can feel that it's relevant. I can even see this as the title of a collection of poetry, should you write up enough to pair with this edited poem, because poetry can be just that: a mirror to the rest of the things in life.
Hope these thoughts are helpful to you!
PM me if you have any questions or comments about my review, or leave a reply to this review!
Good luck and keep writing!
Hannah
You write such helpful reviews thank you so much!
No problem! Ask me whenever you need another. ;D