Warning: This work has been rated 16+ for mature content.
This started with just the first and the last stanza but I thought that it felt a little empty and needed some filling out. I feel like there's a lot more that I could do with this but I'm not sure what. Reviews would be greatly appreciated .
When we were little
we'd skip cheerfully through parks with happy faces,
with lively, dancing eyes
and a mauve bruise on each knee,
avoiding the teenagers smoking on the swings on Sundays.
We all sat down on the grass and made daisy chains and
a pact that we’d never turn out to be like them
.
But life has a peculiar tendency to change things.
The girl, who once adored the constellation of freckles
that shone upon her cheek, will mask herself.
The boy, whose crooked smile lit up even the darkest
of school corridors, will clamp his lips closed.
.
Now, we are the teenagers,
who stumble, drunken, through parks with bitter faces,
with cold, empty eyes
and a crimson slash on each wrist
smoking on the swings on Sundays.
We crush the daisies beneath our feet,
even though we vowed that we’d never turn out to be that way
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Hi!
I’ll begin by saying that I totally see what you meant that the first and last parts were written first and you filled in the middle but still need something more to it. There’s a sort of pattern to the kind of narrative you were writing in the first and last stanzas that you didn’t follow in the middle stanza. The pattern is: time, action, color on a body part, action, daisies, and a promise. I think that because you followed that pattern for both stanzas, the middle stanza stands out and takes attention away from the importance of the first and last stanzas.
My suggestion would be to add maybe a two-line or three-line stanza in between the stanzas you have now with a similar pattern: time, action, and color. That way you can tie in the transition from childhood to that weird pre-teen age from the second stanza and the pre-teen age to teenage from the third stanza.
As for the poem right now, I love it (even though it does need more to it). Your writing is simplistic and concise, but it’s also melodious and full of imagery. One thing about the last stanza, though, is that the last line doesn’t feel powerful enough to carry the meaning of the poem. I feel like it fell short of that great impact that last lines are supposed to do. Maybe you could rewrite it so that instead of saying “that way,” the speaker acknowledges that that’s “their way.” Do you understand what I mean? If you don’t, please feel free to PM me.
Keep writing,
Dianne E.C.E.
Thank you very much for your review! I completely understand what you mean - I'll probably make some changes to this when I have the time. Thanks again.
Hello! Ninja here!
Usually I do a lot of criticizing but this time, I can honestly say that this poem is one of the best I've read. The whole cold truth had hit me when I was reading this and I can honestly say that I can relate almost 100% to the message you're trying to get at.
Now, I'm no professional reviewer but in my opinion this is a very good poem.
The only thing I shall mention is that;
'who stumble, drunken, through parks with bitter faces,/cold, empty eyes' I think there should be a "with". For ex: Who stumble, drunken, through parks with bitter faces,/ with cold, empty eyes.
Same goes for this one: 'we'd skip cheerfully through parks with happy faces,/lively, dancing eyes'
But otherwise, 9.5/10 from me! Keep up the excellent work!!
Thank you so much for your review. I'm glad you liked it, I will make those changes. Thanks again.
Hello and welcome back to YWS, Crimsona!
Some suggestions:
I suggest you rewrite that so it says: "we'd skip cheerfully through parks with bright smiles
and lively, dancing eyes" <- I feel like this might sound better and help that first stanza flow smother.
You switch tenses between the two bolded parts. Consider starting both parts with "will __" so it has a more uniform look and also keeps the same tense. Also, I'm not too skippy on the last line. "clamps his lips closed" -- that shows me that he doesn't talk much. Okay. Why?
Turn that period into a comma, since the sentence continues into the next line.
Okay, now we can focus on the poem itself. First off, I adore the message behind this and the significance of the daisies. That was a nice example, and you used the flower minimally, therefore making sure it didn't take over the entire poem. I'm glad that was done so nicely. ^^
Moving on, I actually like that you used the pronoun "we." You broke down the forth wall and engaged the reader into the poem, as if they were being personally included. This also takes on more of a intimate feel, with the fact that we, apparently, made a pact not to turn out like them. I enjoyed the imagery put into this.
You described the narrator as a child and as a teenager nicely, showing us the quick transition from being innocent to being corrupt and another blank face in the high school.
Overall, I thought this was a good poem ^^ nice description, a simple message that was explained nicely, and overall a beautiful job done. Flow was smooth, minus the teeny part where you switched tenses, but other than that, this was good and I enjoyed reading it. Thanks for sharing!
Thank you for the review, Iggy, it was really helpful! I'll take your suggestions on board and make a few changes.
I like this poem for several reasons. The first reason is that it is a good poem. It is nicely written with a good vocabulary and a nice rythm. But I can also relate to it. I remember when I was 9 and was all "I will never drink alcohol," and all that, and now I can honestly not say I filled that promise to myself.
I also like how the descriptions were very severe, yet very realistic, creating a serious feeling over it all. You really show the innocence of the two children before, with a great contrast explaining how they changed.
And again, I loved it.
-Insane Bobby
Thank you Bobby, your kind comments mean a lot! Hehe I remember being like that when I was about 9/10 as well.