Young Writers Society

"Hollow bones filled with cement?" Nightcrawler, how do you come up with these things? Gaaah.

counting the nights past listening to the stars

the links rattle in harmony with his grinding teeth

reaching for her lost hope in the heavens

Oh, yes.

I read this poem feeling, as sunshine said, powerful. You supported your poem with an effective message, all the while sticking to the subject and title of the poem.

Your figurative language throughout the poem is suitable for the subject, your similes were enjoyable to read. You Your imagery progresses along with the story of the poem in itself. You illustrated the scenes instead of blatantly told what was happening, giving readers more of an effective experience with the poem.

I like the change in point of view, but I wish you were uniformed with the "he" point of view, developing his attitude and such toward the prospects of freedom. However, I do like how you intertwined their fates in the poem.

A concern of mine are the last two lines. I feel that they don't correspond with the other stanzas in the poem and though it's a nice message behind it, I feel like there needs to be a way to bring in the two lines in better.

All in all, I really liked this poem's concept and language used throughout.

Sunshine here to review...

Wow, I love the message you have here. This poem has a lot of power in it. My favorite part is

"she’s as free as a downpour of rain

reaching for her lost hope in the heavens

she awaits the end, impending and unavoidable

there is beauty in this final journey she fails to see

blinded by the knowledge of her fate, sweet soil

only to be devoured by a selfish world."

I don't have any nitpicks but I'm a bit of a punctuation nazi so could you punctuate the end of each line? Unless you purposely want it like that then that's cool too. This is very well written and it keeps the readers attention. Good job and keep on writing!