she’s as free as a caged bird.
hollow bones filled with cement
she pulls out a feather a day
her personal calendar litters the barred floor
counting the nights past listening to the stars
a fragile heart trembles within a cage of its own.
.
he’s as free as a chained man.
the links rattle in harmony with his grinding teeth
he is thankful for his bonds
keeping his violent desires at bay
passing the nights immersed in dark fantasies
harsh words pull his muscles taut in restless sleep.
.
she’s as free as a downpour of rain
reaching for her lost hope in the heavens
she awaits the end, impending and unavoidable
there is beauty in this final journey she fails to see
blinded by the knowledge of her fate, sweet soil
only to be devoured by a selfish world.
.
she peers through a window to the world she has never known
recoiling, never knowing the light
finding the key to his chains, he stares in confusion
she fails to understand the love of the sky
giving her up for the thirsty and helpless and
the splattered paint of the world below
opportunities lost in the fog of the mind
no risk, no reward.
.
“i am free” they state.
.
better to keep what you have
than lose what you don’t.
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"Hollow bones filled with cement?" Nightcrawler, how do you come up with these things? Gaaah.
This seemed to me like it should be two lines, but I might just be getting confused. Anyway, I am confused. Perhaps reword it?
If there was a prize for Best Second Lines in Poem Stanzas I am awarding it to you. Right now. Here you go.
I'm still thinking about this so this isn't much of a review, really. I guess I could add in that the only "second line"/line I didn't particularly enjoy was . A little cliched, perhaps?
Fantastic poem and really makes me think.
Overall rating: 9.5/10
Keep writing!
+1
Thank you!
Sure!
Oh, yes.
I read this poem feeling, as sunshine said, powerful. You supported your poem with an effective message, all the while sticking to the subject and title of the poem.
Your figurative language throughout the poem is suitable for the subject, your similes were enjoyable to read. You Your imagery progresses along with the story of the poem in itself. You illustrated the scenes instead of blatantly told what was happening, giving readers more of an effective experience with the poem.
I like the change in point of view, but I wish you were uniformed with the "he" point of view, developing his attitude and such toward the prospects of freedom. However, I do like how you intertwined their fates in the poem.
A concern of mine are the last two lines. I feel that they don't correspond with the other stanzas in the poem and though it's a nice message behind it, I feel like there needs to be a way to bring in the two lines in better.
All in all, I really liked this poem's concept and language used throughout.
Thanks Lipton!
Sunshine here to review...
Wow, I love the message you have here. This poem has a lot of power in it. My favorite part is
"she’s as free as a downpour of rain
reaching for her lost hope in the heavens
she awaits the end, impending and unavoidable
there is beauty in this final journey she fails to see
blinded by the knowledge of her fate, sweet soil
only to be devoured by a selfish world."
I don't have any nitpicks but I'm a bit of a punctuation nazi so could you punctuate the end of each line? Unless you purposely want it like that then that's cool too. This is very well written and it keeps the readers attention. Good job and keep on writing!
Thanks for the review, Sunshine! I did the punctuation and no-capitalization bit on purpose. I felt that it fit better, but that's just me.
Thanks again.