Remember when we spent the day lounging
on your sofa? Jeremy Kyle’s
voice muffled by the remote, but shouting.
We pretended to watch him a while,
before he was muted by hormones
and hopeful, hopeless optimism
and nervous giggles and impassioned groans
that kissed away my scepticism.
*
That day I promised: I love you too.
Four words- gold- trusted with no-one before.
*
Is this a vague memory to you,
But nothing more?
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Canary word: Present
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125,005 Literary Works • 672,798 Reviews
Hey there! joallover here for a review on this wonderful Review Day for team Mazarine Marauders!
I like the description in this. You wrote out the event very poetically and I liked it a lot.
Here are some things I suppose could be improved upon, though.
"Jeremy Kyle’s
voice muffled by the remote, but shouting."
I see this as an odd sentence in this piece. I think it could be stronger if it wasn't 'Jeremy Kyle' but at the same time it would lose the certain love sensuality of the specifics. I'm not certain what to do with it, but I thought it might be nice to bring up anyways.
" We pretended to watch him a while,
before he was muted by hormones
and hopeful, hopeless optimism
and nervous giggles and impassioned groans"
I love this passage. It has two different sorts of contradiction- one obvious (hopeful, hopeless), one not (nervous giggles and impassioned groans). I love how you inputted that and made it work with the poem. Kudos!
That's all I can say for now, you did good. Keep calm and write on!
Peace Love and Fahrvergnugen!
-joallover
Hello Anna, Shauzer here reviewing
I liked the way the poem was split twice in the end, giving the illusion of time passing, people moving on. It was sad, yet very nice 
I like how you said 'muted by hormones' too, it went really well with your 'clever' style of writing, and I think you should most definitely keep adding little things like this in. This clever style you have developed is most likely natural, so if you do keep it, I think you'll be fine. This poem, fault-wise, is perfect. It has no problems that I can see, not even punctuation - by the way, I liked how you rhymed the very last line with the one two lines above. It added a pzazz to the finish - well done! This was great, I really enjoyed reading it, glad I did. Make sure you keep up your writing 
And, just write when something comes to you, the best thing about this is probably the fact that its not forced. It's beautiful, there's no pressure, its not rushed, lovely. Oh! There was one thing, looking back on it. What do you mean by 'muffled by the remote'???
I really, really liked this poem. I liked the idea, the romantic encounter - which gave you so much more material to write about, the language and the flow. The flow - it was easy, since there was no rhyming, but still well done. The language usage was excellent. My favourite line - because of its cleverness - was 'that kissed away my scepticism.' The way you used 'kissed' hear instead of the millions of other words you could have used was excellent. It fitted perfectly with the rest of the story and dragged us further into the flow of this poem, carrying us downstream to your imagination
Keep writing, in your own time.
Yours in ink,
TS.
Interesting, and a bit more than vaguely sexual. I like the rhyme scheme, and the whole schebang, but I can't help but feel a little uncomfortable. Probably not something you should care about but hey. Other than that, I think you should take this further. Take it beyond a situational thought into a real philosophical idea. Spin it from a string of silk into a web if you will. I'd just like to see a bit more depth in writing every now and then, and looking at the way you put this together, I think that you're up to the challenge. That's all I really have for now, so good job, keep up the goo work, and fare thee well!
~Scoeri
Knight Dragon, here to review!
Technical:
The way that was worded, along with your verb choice, made the poem a little choppy there. I feel like the verb you're actually going for is 'muted,' and saying that he (whoever Jeremy is) is 'muffled' by the remote comes across a little odd. Is the remote stuffed in his mouth? That's the only way I can see a remote actually 'muffling' someone.
I'm not sure if it's just me, but when I read "impassioned groans," the first thing that came to mind was "impassioned gas." Not to say I misread it, but that's just the mental image that came (and stuck). Regardless, 'groan' might not entirely be the word you're looking for. I know you're trying to contrast the optimism with the pessimism, but it comes across as overtly obnoxious noise, like the couple is forcing their groans into the "I'm imitating a dying cow" level.
Also, I'd recommend removing the asterisks. If you want a break in stanzas there, just leave white space. (I'm going to try to see if I can get proper code to help with this.)
Otherwise, good job on the poem. I hope this doesn't come across as condescending. I'm just trying to help you see some of the humorous interpretations of this draft.
Hope this helps!