It's too cold outside.
My thumb is bleeding from where I've tried
to coax a flame from my lighter.
These winds are too strong.
It's days like these when I miss you most.
Your body has always been warmer than mine.
I would not be cold
under the stare of your fireplace eyes.
Come and set me ablaze.
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
Are you sure you want to delete this comment? This cannot be undone.
Mark this comment as a review? Points will be awarded to the poster.
Your comment was posted, but it wasn’t long enough to count as a review. Reviews need about four complete sentences (at least 250 characters). Try writing another review that explains your thoughts in more detail — the author will appreciate it, and you’ll earn points for it.
125,005 Literary Works • 672,798 Reviews
Let's just say, that....
...
...
...
...
...
I love this!
That was awesome
Just makes me think of the warm feeling you get when you are around that one person you care about. A lot warmer than a lighter haha.
"Your fireplace eyes" Absolutely loving that one there. Never thought I would hear a fireplace associated with eyes but there it is lol.
Amazing poem, really enjoyed reading it, just so meaningful :3
Hey Reise!
I thought that this was really powerful. It's short and the narrative gets directly to the point without drawing the content out to much (I've seen people who write like that and if it's not done exactly right, it's horrible).
The imagery you use:
is really good. I could easily picture this in my head, two lovers sitting together staring into each others eyes and....You get the picture. Typical blazing romance.
The mention of how the narrators thumb is bleeding because of how many times he (she?) attempted to use a lighter against the cold makes really sets the mood and gives the readers an idea of just how much they miss their partner and how desperate they are to get warm.
I don't know what's going on with the text, that's not exactly my favorite font to use, but if you intended it to be like that and you like it, good for you! As much as it's not my thing, it's nice to see something a little different once in a while.
Great job!
KT
The beginning of this piece is bland. There was not a lot of imagery or sensory descriptors. It's a lot of telling mostly, the only reason I think this poem works is one line in the entire piece.
The last sentence. "I would not be cold, under the stare of your fireplace eyes. Come and set me ablaze. " The fireplace eyes, I don't know why it's such an appealing duo. I think it's the fact that is both a sensory descriptor and describes the passion/fierceness of the subject. It rolls it into one and it is beautiful. Shorten up some lines. Omit repetitive phrases, and add sensory words that show us the whipping wind. I want to feel the biting cold hanging on the tip of his nose. It will help connect the reader better.
That last line was brilliant. Remember to revise, I can't stress that enough. Also, the title doesn't really add much to the piece in terms of emotional appeal. It mostly pushes the setting in place. I hope I helped, keep writing those beautiful lines because even one or two makes the entire piece worth it. Peace!