Firefly

Sphealwithit here...Happy reviewing day

I do like this poem, however I was expecting it to be longer. I like how its posed like a question and I love the art beside it. The last line is wrong however. I beleive it should be 'Burn' not 'burns'

Overall it is a good poem


Sphealwithit out...

That was really good. Just one suggestion though, I think that your line "that glowing like a small lamp," would sound better without the "that" in front of it. or you should change the "glowing" to "glow" it doesn't make sense the way you have it now. but other than that, GREAT!!!!

I love the picture that goes along with your poem. I like the poem. It's short, but the descriptive language is a bit bland. The last line is extremely awkward.

"to shine through the darkness,
brightly but not burns"

I think "burns" should be "burn". It just sounds... weird. I think the last lines would sound better if you changed them to this: "To shine through the darkness, brightly but not burning."

Also, The first letter of EVERY line in ANY poem should be capitalized. That's like not capitalizing the first letter in every sentence. So the capitalization distracted me.

The first two lines didn't make much sense. "Could you be like a firefly, that glowing like a small lamp," I think if you changed "glowing" to "glows" It would flow much better. The other thing, The whole poem seems like a big run on sentence. You need more periods. I think that the punctualization at the end of line two should be a question mark, because at first the narrator is asking if the person he/she is addressing could be like a firefly. I think the beginning of line three would sound better starting again with "Could you be like a firefly". And changing "such as" to like. Also, the semicolon after line 3 doesn't belong. So the revised poem would be:

Could you be like a firefly,
that glows like a small lamp?
Could you be like the firefly
Like the star falling from heaven,
To shine through the darkness
brightly but not burning?

If you don't like what I've done with it, that's fine. It's YOUR poem. This is just MY opinion. So I hope this helped

Hi DarkKnight!

This is very short, but I like the sentiment behind it. The language is a bit bland--lamps and stars to describe light have all been used before, and that's really working against you because in such a short poem, it's even more important to be as punchy as possible.

I don't think the semi-colon in line 3 is correct. If you look at without the formatting:

Could you be like a firefly glowing like a small lamp, like a star falling from heaven; shine through the darkness, bright but not burn?

Short, yet sweet. Hello, and I'm just here to review your piece here.

Like I already said, this poem is short, but it's full with deep meaning. There really isn't anything I can do to "fix up" or "help improve" this poem, however I do see a few things that can help.

1.

just like a star fall from heaven;