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Young Writers Society



Fenton's Lady ch. 1

by Stori


Our inn's name, the Great Leap, has never been more appropriate. I'm jumping like a hare trying to fill orders, and the one-eyed todd in the corner isn't helping.

"Where's that ale? The service here is terrible.”

I'm almost at his table now, close enough to shout back anyway. “Then why don't you get us a new barmaid? You're paying enough, Lord knows.”

A few of the regulars guffaw, but the todd in the corner scowls. He snatches a mug from my tray and downs a large swig. “You know what they pay retired guards these days?”

"No, but I've heard politeness costs you nothing."

I've said the wrong thing. His scowl turns deadly and he reaches for a dagger.

"I take it back. Enjoy your drink, sir."

Kay

"Ren. What is it, vix?*"

She clung to me, sobbing. "Th-that one-eyed todd off by himself, who is it?"

"That's good of you, Kay, but you know I can't. I don't know anyone."

He seemed to consider for a moment. Then he gestured for her to follow and went upstairs.

In a corner by my bed stood an old but well-preserved chest. I opened it, well aware that she was looking over my shoulder.

Ren's breath caught in her throat. It was a noble's cloak, dark green and embroidered with thread of gold. "Where-?"

"Lord Fenton stayed at my inn once, years ago. He told me to give this to you when you came of age."

She stared blankly at me.

"You're his daughter, Ren. This cloak is like a key to his house."

Numbly, she let Kay clasp it around her shoulders. It was fine cloth and fitted her almost perfectly.

"You look so grand."

"How do I find him? Are you sure he'll take me in?"

"First things first. You get some sleep and I'll see to our guests."

Ren was only too happy to oblige. As she curled up to sleep she thought, The fox who raised me, or the one who left me-- which is more my father?

*vix- short for "vixen"; a term of endearment.

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40 Reviews

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Reviews: 40

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Sun Sep 22, 2013 1:50 pm
TheDayBeforeTomorrow wrote a review...



Hey,

My first thought on reading this was wondering if I'd missed out on a prologue or something. I scanned Related Items and found nothing, so I continued, a little mystified. The end came far too soon and left too many questions unanswered, in my opinion. Stori, is there anything I should have read before reading this, like a prologue or a chapter 0.5 or something? Because it feels like that.

I'll assume that this is the beginning of your story, which I must say, is rather unique but not in a good way. It starts in the middle of an event or happening, and gives us absolutely no background about these two foxes we have just met. Consequently, the great reveal of Ren being Lord Fenton's daughter is meaningless, as we know nothing about the story or its characters.

We need to know a little more about Ren and her life, who this 'Kay' is and what she means to her, along with what fray Ren was just involved in to really care. This story has potential to be a worthwhile read, but right now, this chapter is just a fragment, not even a vignette of a situation.

I like that your grammar and sentence structure is in place, and there are no spelling mistakes I can immediately spot, but the main issue with this piece is that it is far too short and gives us no detail whatsoever. Suspense and intrigue is important, as is that adage, "show, not tell", but such little detail couldn't keep my attention in this as a novel or novella.

I advise you to go over this and add more detail where necessary and "flesh it out", so to speak. This seems like an intriguing storyline, but the beginning has to have enough detail to interest the readers without being overly informative and thus boring.

Hope this helped
~Day




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508 Reviews

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Sat Sep 21, 2013 10:16 pm
dragonfphoenix wrote a review...



All right, review time from Knight Dragon!

Well, this has a lot of unanswered questions. 1) What could have been worse? 2) What is Ren too good for? 3) Where is Ren right now? 4) What does this mysterious place look like? 5) Is Kay a mind reader? 6) Did Ren just sit down and try to go to sleep?

An explanation of where I'm coming from:
First of all, you need more description. What's Ren look like? The only thing I have definitively is that she has fur. Other than that, I'm left to conjecture. Is she a fox? I wondered that the entire time and my only clue is the last sentence in the paragraph, which indicates that she was fathered by a fox. But you could have hybrids, since this is fantasy. And who was Ren's mother? Just thought of that.
Anyway, again with description, I have no idea where she is, what the room looks like, what the business is Kay runs (although I'd assume some sort of tavern or inn based on the small clues I have), what Ren's facial expressions look like (you have her thoughts "The words didn't make sense" and then Kay answers her unspoken question); does that make him a mind reader, or is the question written all over her face?
And the last question deals with...description. Where does she go to go to sleep? A back room? Does she just plop down where she was standing? Does she go lay by the hearth? Is there a hearth? Does she have her own room? Does she share a room? Is it more like a closet or a bedroom? What kind of work does she do? Is she more a servant or a server?
Lots of questions that you need to answer and include in the descriptions.

Hope this helps!





Don't be sad bc sad backwards is das and das not good
— LadyMysterio