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A Cinquain, a Lanturne, and a Pantoum...

by ShadowVyper


Cinquain

Shadow,

a silent death--

slowly squeezes life from

joy and laughter. Pain is left, in

darkness

~

Lanturne

School
lies in
wait. To suck
happiness from
life.

~

Pantoum

A woman stands, so brave and tall;

Enjoying the solitude of morning's first light.

Prepared to answer Freedom's call,

about to take up arms and fight.

-

Enjoying the solitude of morning's first light,

a calm fills her heart and soul.

About to take up arms and fight,

her mind firmly fixed upon the goal.

-

A calm fills her heart and soul;

She blocks out all memories that could annoy.

Her mind firmly fixed upon the goal--

to return home to a baby boy.

-

She blocks out all memories that could annoy,

before she pulls the pin on her hand grenade.

To return home to a baby boy--

all sense of guilt begins to fade.

-

Before she pulls the pin on her hand grenade,

she sends up a prayer to God above.

All sense of guilt begins to fade,

every action is born out of love.

-

She sends up a prayer to God above,

and closing her eyes, she throws the grenade.

Every action is born out of love;

for her son, the Ultimate Price would be paid.

-

And closing her eyes, she throws the grenade.

Her bomb falls short. A shot is fired before she sprints.

For her son, the Ultimate Price would be paid.

In the sunlight the sniper's barrel glints.

-

Her bomb falls short. A shot is fired before she sprints.

A shout goes out, the alarm is raised;

In the sunlight the sniper's barrel glints.

She falls to the ground, never to be praised.

-

A shout goes out, the alarm is raised.

She bolts for the woods, but alas, is too slow.

She falls to the ground, never to be praised.

The game is over; it's the fatal blow.

-

She bolts for the woods, but, alas, is too slow.

Prepared to answer Freedom's Call;

the game is over; it's the fatal blow.

A woman stands, so brave and tall.


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Sun Aug 25, 2013 2:03 pm
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Cailey wrote a review...



Hey there! Cailey here with a review on this fine Sunday morning. :)

I'll start with the first one. Nice job with this one. It was short, but short and to the point and very full despite the length, or perhaps because of it.
I have a couple of nitpicks, nothing big, but maybe helpful. I don't love the word choice squeezes. That sounds rather out of place, like it's too informal a word. See if you can find some synonyms that might work to replace it without messing up your format.
Also, should there be a period at the end or did you leave that out on purpose?

No review on the second one. :D It was hilarious and I loved it.

And now on to the third. I have to admit I don't love the repetition, but that's the form of a pantoum, right? I was trying to figure out what the formatting is, and I think I got it figured out. :) It seems like it might be kind of hard to do, so nice job with this. I mean, you repeated tons of lines, and yet it wasn't just meaningless repetition, it told a story and followed the woman all the way to the end. That was brilliant.
I was wondering if this has any rhythm? There are some lines that sounded a little too long or two short, and I think maybe you should go back through and check the flow, to make sure that the piece all fits together.

Other than that this was nice, I hope this was helpful, I feel like I didn't say all that much. :/ But I liked your poems! Let me know if you have any comments or questions, and of course, keep writing.




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Sun Aug 25, 2013 1:58 pm
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ChangeTheWorld wrote a review...



Hola! I am here to review the glorious work you have put forth! ;)

Shadow,
a silent death--
slowly squeezes life from
joy and laughter. Pain is left, in
darkness


I absolutely love this whole thing. I didn't know these sections were types of poetry before hand because I am no sort of expert so I had to look them up, but I love it. The idea is unique and fresh and well executed.

she sends up a prayer to God above.
All sense of guilt begins to fade,
every action is born out of love.


I enjoyed these lines a lot. I like how you put the motives behind her actions and it's clear this person is honorable and gallant. In reality, someone might think she was stupid for doing what she did, but you don't really give the reader a choice to feel, you have to admire her for her love and courage. That makes it really propelling. I can almost here dramatic music playing in the background ;)

She bolts for the woods, but, alas, is too slow.
Prepared to answer Freedom's Call;
the game is over; it's the fatal blow.
A woman stands, so brave and tall.


Partially the structure of the poem forced you to put these lines here to end it, but I think you did an amazing job with creating lines so effective, it only made it better that they were repeated, whereas weaker lines could have hindered the poem.

The only, only, only thing I might have to say is that the rhythm in Pantoum is just a little staggered and it was hard to grasp a solid flow. So maybe checking syllables and making little changes will make it easier to jump from one line to the next without so much pause.

Amazing ending though, I love it. And like I said before, you did well with the structure intended.




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Tue Aug 06, 2013 2:11 am
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Hannah wrote a review...



Hey, Shady!

Ack~ So, I didn't even know what a Lanturne was before this thread. I quickly looked it up and found that the first and last lines are supposed to mean the same things -- ha! I totally get that poem on a different level, now.

What I have to say about the first two short poems is that it's really hard to cover general topics in small spaces using big words. I think both the Cinquain and the Lanturne would be more effective if instead of attacking those topics straight on, you tried to hit the reader with a sharp metaphor or comparison to the emotion you want to bring out. A little bit of explanation to this suggestion is that many people who write about the general ideas of school or of fear can use the same words: sucking the fun out, being in shadows, etc. But if you find a nice sharp situation that communicates the emotion of those situations instead of describing it, I feel like those poems would be more memorable and subtle!

Now, for your pantoum. I love how you slowly, slowly reveal everything that's at stake. For the first few stanzas, we think she's just a proud woman. Then we realize she has a goal. She has a son. She has a weapon. There are others that oppose her, etc. Everything gets slowly peeled back as the pantoum moves forward, which I think shows you using the form to its every advantage.

One thing that threw me off about the pantoum was that you didn't pay much attention to the meter in your lines. With such crisp and repeated rhymes, I think getting the reader into a solid rhythm to follow through would make this poem flow so much more easily and beautiful, but that would require cutting and reworking lots of your lines to fit in with your desired meter.

I'd also like to see a new take on what it means to fight for something and lose -- I'd potentially like to see what happens after she falls, but that would mean expanding the pantoum, etc. It's a potential project if you're dedicated to this poem!

Thanks so much for sharing!
PM me if you have any questions or comments about my review.
Good luck and keep writing~




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Mon Aug 05, 2013 1:56 pm
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eviehoward wrote a review...



I absolutely love this poem. Your structure and punctuation really add effect to it. I think you've really stumbled onto a good idea here that can be edited in some places to make it amazing. Brilliant effort and I can't wait to see more :)





It had a perfectly round door like a porthole, painted green, with a shiny yellow brass knob in the exact middle. The door opened on to a tube-shaped hall like a tunnel: a very comfortable tunnel without smoke, with panelled walls, and floors tiled and carpeted, provided with polished chairs, and lots and lots of pegs for hats and coats—the hobbit was fond of visitors. The tunnel wound on and on, going fairly but not quite straight into the side of the hill —The Hill, as all the people for many miles round called it—and many little round doors opened out of it, first on one side and then on another.
— JRR Tolkien