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137,507 Literary Works • 672,040 Reviews
I see what you did there at the end. Like how old people always say they miss being young or something, that was pretty neat to do that. Some of the other things that you did here though kind of made me stop the reading flow to think.
I'm not so sure that rhyming a word with itself works in poetry. I'm not even sure you were trying to rhyme here.So when I was first reading this little bit I was on this nice little cloud of memories and it felt really nice and relaxed. Then when you threw the little part about dynamite in there the flow was kind of halted to abruptly. It didn't really seem to fit.
I like this part because it says what you are writing about, indirectly of course, so that leaves space for the reader to ponder on what you were thinking about when you wrote this.
I really liked this poem because the mood created was nice and it brought that feeling of nostalgia to me, which is funny cuz I'm still young. Advice, feeling and truth all gently layered in a single poem. Good job.
Hallo, Misstoria!
I'm a big fan of the Killers song, so just knowing that it helped inspire this in some way makes me like this piece that much more. I do like this, but I don't have much strong feeling towards it because I feel like it would either do better as a song (in which the emotion can be delivered through nonverbal tones), or is just missing something. The issue I find in many love poems is that they visit the same themes frequently without bringing any new ideas to the table. This follows that scheme, dear, a relationship that seemed picture perfect in the heat of the moment, but in hindsight, was much less than perfect. You're just telling us this story, dear, with nothing to make it unique or fresh to us, which takes you down a dangerous valley: cliches.
Sometimes being relatable is not enough; you need to paint a picture with allegory, with images that show us these scenes and make us almost live it through your words instead of just read it off a page. Try to incorporate ideas that could be unique to a particular love story, like the smell of the scenery on a first date (salty air on a boardwalk, popcorn in a movie theater to name a couple cliches).
Hope that helps some!
June
Hi there fellow Young Writers Society Member! Speakerskat here to review for The Tsunami Tyrants.
Makes me think about my crush and my ex and my crush's twin bro all at the same time. Weird ,especailly the last person 0.o
Anywho, I loved how you wrote this and it really said a lot about love and the heartbreak and heartache we all suffer when trying to figure out "Who do we really love?" and "Who really loves us?"
I didn't love my ex, I like my crush but I don't know if he likes me, and yet again I don't know where that third person fits LOL XD random I guess.
What I'm saying is your piece is really lovley and quite relatable and just so amazing at describing your and possibly other people's feelings and I love that your inspiration was a song. Turly magnificent
Keep it up
~Speakerskat
Hi misstoria! Here to get in a good review for our team and help this out of the Green Room!
Overall, I think this is lovely. There's great imagery and it flows well. I especially liked your opening lines:
It sounds beautiful and I think everyone can relate to wanting to go back in time.
This is the only stanza I can really criticize. The ideas and phrasing are pretty worn out. I'd try to use more imagery here. For example, maybe instead of "in love with the idea of love", show her reading a romance novel or watching romantic comedies. See if you can express the other ideas in more interesting ways.
Also, I wasn't crazy about capitalizing WHEN YOU WERE YOUNG. It seems more like a plea for attention, which you don't need since this piece is strong. If you want to emphasize that this was influenced by the song, perhaps use quotes? Italics could work for emphasis as well.
Overall, beautiful piece but I'd spice up that one stanza. Great job and keep writing! And go Tsunami Tyrants!