Young Writers Society

Home » Literary works » Poetry » Dramatic

12+

How Am I To...

by BrokenSkye


How am I to love,
if I only feel the pain?
How am I to smile,
if I can only cry?
How am I to laugh,
if I am so alone?

I should be able to,
but the heart break was unbareable!
I would be able to,
but it was too hard to fake it!
I could be able to,
but the thoughts of suicide destroy me!

How am I to sleep,
if my mind won't let me dream?
How am I to eat,
if my body doesn't want to?
How am I to live,
if my life isn't worth living?

I do not like this,
the nightmares are getting worse!
I can not do it anymore,
the depression is growing everyday!
I will not live in this pain,
the blade will take it all away!
 
How am I still alive,
when my heart has stopped beating?
How am I to breathe,
when my lungs have given out?
How am I to see,
when I am blinded by the light?

I do not understand any of this,
there is no thumping in my chest!
I can't figure this out,
there is no air moving in or out!
I won't be able to,
there is nothing but brightness now!


Note: You are not logged in, but you can still leave a comment or review. Before it shows up, a moderator will need to approve your comment (this is only a safeguard against spambots). Leave your email if you would like to be notified when your message is approved.







Is this a review?


  

Comments



User avatar
662 Reviews


Points: 52441
Reviews: 662

Donate
Sat Mar 23, 2013 3:12 pm
dogs wrote a review...



Hello there Broken! Dogs here with your review today. Well interesting piece you have here, you take the topic down a new path other than the usual conventional love heart break poem which is always good because this topic is used a lot. Again, going of what Hanna says, what pizzaz do you have in your writing here to really spice it up? What you need here is to explore a metaphor or simile and root your writing in that. I'll explain more in a second, let's dive in now shall we?

The first stanza immediately makes your poem to be predictable, which should be a huge red flag to you as a writer. Predictable in the sense that it's all in the same format. "How can I do this... if (insert line of wallowing in self pity and remorse)" Try to mix it up a bit, definitely use that style of writing at points in your poem, but don't make that the only thing in your poem that you should write about.

"but the heart break was unbareable!"

Two things, firstly it's "unbearable," not "unbareable." Secondly, do not use a exclamation point more than a few times in your poetry, and you should almost never use it in your poetry regardless. Reason being is because it immediately draws all the attention to that line as it insinuates that it's being shouted. So constantly doing that every single stanza is just like hearing someone scream words into my head, which shouldn't be the main focus of your poem here. So I would suggest you cut those out because usually poetry, especially remorseful poetry, is a little more on the calm side of writing.

"if my mind won't let me dream?"

Now we get to the bit about the no general metaphor to root this in. You lack imagery in this piece, and it is rather essential in poetry to write in such a fashion that it creates a picture in the readers head. Either a picture or make us feel the emotion that the narrator is feeling, put us in the moment of his or her pain. I think you'd be better suited if you took the imagery path, but here is a possibility for you to explore something. Try taking the same theme of this poem, but instead re write it in a way that you're having a dream and this person that broke your heart is there, and how that plagues you. How does that effect you? I see lots of potential to explore that as in dreams, anything can sensically happen to the environment as it could spontaneously burst into flames or become encased in ice or whatever you choose to do. Try exploring that.

All and all a good piece, you have some great ideas that just new developing now. I enjoyed reading, let me know if you ever need a review. Keep up the good work!

TuckEr EllsworTh :smt032




BrokenSkye says...


Like I said in my description, I was using repetition, that is why I used an exclamation point at the end of those lines. I must have been typing too fast for my misspelling and will fix that immediately! I also wanted to say that in my normal work I use imagery and personification, and this was unexplored territory. When I was first writing it, the last two stanzas were at the top, but as I reread it several times it just sounded better at the end. Thank you for your review and I will take all of it into consideration.



User avatar
151 Reviews


Points: 838
Reviews: 151

Donate
Sat Mar 23, 2013 11:02 am
Arcticus says...



Make a poem feel like a poem. You can. I'm sure you can.




User avatar
1313 Reviews


Points: 23286
Reviews: 1313

Donate
Sat Mar 23, 2013 2:54 am
Hannah wrote a review...



My first question to you is what you think separates poetry from prose. What do you think makes a piece of writing able to be categorized as a poem instead of a piece of fiction? For me, there has to be a certain distinction for me to appreciate a poem. There's a separation from the logical flow of clean prose, an interest in getting between the sentences or words to see what else is possible. For me, this piece doesn't feel like a poem. It feels like a journal entry with line breaks. But what's important is what you think makes a poem.

You can learn more about your own opinion by reading a lot of poetry. You'll figure out, "hey, this poem made me feel something" or "hey, this is exactly what I want to read a lot of", and you'll start to put together the elements of what works for you.

In general, though, laying it all out bare doesn't lead to an interesting poem. Putting forth your emotions in the clearest language possible doesn't always lead to the clearest and purest reception. Why? There's a difference between understanding and processing something through your logical, academic mind -- "Oh this person says they feel very hurt. They must have had something bad happen to them." -- and feeling it, being in it and having it be around you, which happens much more often when we are not bluntly told the situation, but instead led to it through metaphor, comparison, and coming at it from a slant.

I guess it's similar to when we talk about issues and find we don't understand, comparing it to a similar structure can click that last puzzle piece we needed. Like someone posting an image of a car in a garage - the car is not part of the garage, an airplane in a hangar - the plane is not part of a hangar, and a baby in a woman - claiming the baby is not part of a woman. I don't agree with the image I saw, but it is a good example of making comparisons to get your point or emotion across. I think it would do your emotional soul good to practice communicating this way.

I hope this was somewhat helpful.
PM me if you have any questions or comments! (:
Good luck, and keep writing~




User avatar
41 Reviews


Points: 648
Reviews: 41

Donate
Sat Mar 23, 2013 1:22 am
View Likes
illitar wrote a review...



YAY a vamp zombie death question poem. or is it worse? I like it. it reminds me ot the movie worm bodies and the book Demonica from Darren shan.

I like it and the thing is the reader dosent know what the write is or why he became this way. well done




User avatar
72 Reviews


Points: 2047
Reviews: 72

Donate
Sat Mar 23, 2013 12:28 am
GrapeNerd wrote a review...



Hiya! I'm going to attempt a review here,
First off, I don't understand the concept, I can feel that it is something emotional but I just don't get it.
Second, I don't really understand this line
"I do not like this,
the nightmares are getting worse!
I can not do it anymore,
the depression is growing everyday!
I will not live in this pain,
the blade will take it all away!" I mean, I kept reading it but it just didn't fit! But moreover, I think your poem was very good, your capitalization and punctuation is almost perfect! Well, I think that's it for now. Keep writing!




BrokenSkye says...


I was having a lot of trouble with that stanza, not line, but what I did with all the others is I bounced from the matching stanza and line from the one above it saying "How do I...." The whole concept of it was to look at things in a different light, from the sight of someone who is severally depressed and just wants to be happy and normal, but can't be for all those reasons. And where is my capitalization and punctuation off? I need to fix that ASAP! Thanks for your review though.



GrapeNerd says...


Oh! Ok, I see now! Your capitalization and punctuation is flawless! I actually really like this poem!




A non-writing writer is a monster courting insanity.
— Franz Kafka