How fast could my car crash
Right into that pole?
Or one quick slash,
Maybe one little hole.
There's blood on the floor,
And a knock at the door.
The time flies fast,
Then too much of it goes past.
I'm already gone
By the time they get the light on,
Who needs love?
How about a real hard shove,
Right into the deep?
Some people count sheep,
I count scars.
Longing to return to my safe home in the stars.
I went numb
By the time the last song was sung.
Now i have angel wings,
And my heart sings.
I am finally free,
And i can truly see,
All my reasons why i don't need to be alive.
Life is like a beehive;
Everyone bows,
And is loyal to their queen.
This just shows,
That everyone is mean.
Don't let life's sorrows get the vest of you my little angel,
You are not one they can easily mangle.
Death will be life,
And with enough strife,
We will be together,
Forever and ever.
Points:
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Canary word: Present
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125,005 Literary Works • 672,809 Reviews
hey there , here's a review for your work
i'll start with the title , it is a very good title , meaningful and expressive .
now for the things i liked about your work :
1-the rhyme : for me it's very hard to make every part of a poem rhyme , but your poem is sooo rhymy and that's what i most liked .
2-the beginning : WOW it's meaningful and defferent , i just liked its idea.
3-this part :
" Who needs love?
How about a real hard shove,
Right into the deep?
Some people count sheep,
I count scars. "
very strong words here ....
ok , sorry if that's not helping but can't find errors , so keep writing
Firstly let me say well done by taking the harder option and taking the time to make it rhyme (see what I did there
). However I feel a couple of the rhymes are a little forced, particularly when you have a full stop between two rhyming couplets. Other than that, well done, and keep on writing!
Take That You Fiend!
Hey Cam!
I did check out your other poem, but you already had, like, four reviews on it, and I couldn't think of anything helpful to say about it-- so I chose not to comment on it. But! Here's a new poem, so I'll just leave you a bit of a review on it...
So, I've warned you that I'm terrible at poetry, so bear with me.
Your rhythm and pacing are nice, for the most part. It feels a bit rushed in a few places, but nothing too severe, so good job there. I like the way you phrased the thoughts of the first several stanzas. It sort of romanticized the idea of death, which was interesting to read. I wasn't a huge fan of your ending, but, then, I don't like those types of conclusions anyway, so I'm probably not a great indicator there. As far as the actual mechanics/flow of it, it was very good~
So, well done. I enjoyed it. 8/10
Hope this helped. If you have any questions or need any more help, don't hesitate to ask.
Keep writing!
~Shady
it is supposed to say "the best of you"