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Young Writers Society



by yourlocalsatanist


The bell rings to leave and students rush to the door as the teacher yells out something I can't understand. I get up out of my seat as slowly as possible trying to save time before I head to my next class. As I walk through the halls I hear people talk and talk, rumor talkers... People who just want to cause trouble and drama, I hate those types of people, they only ever care about themselves. My father says I do too but I'm not a rumor talker, how could I only care about myself? I really don't know but he says I do, he says I do a lot of stuff. But that's how it goes, and there's nothing you can do about it, ever. I finally make it to my 7th-hour class and walk into the door, all the student's eyes turn onto me. I just look down as I walk to my seat and sit down, not wanting to look at anyone or anything. The teacher handed us our worksheet and I got to grab a calculator to help me with the work, I heard tiny laughs as I walked over to them and when I walked back I got tripped. I fall to the ground and get up fast, too embarrassed to look at anyone or say anything. I walk back to my desk and sit down as fast as possible and just look at the paper in front of me. Finally, 45 minutes later the bell rang and I grabbed my worksheet to take it home because I hadn't finished it, I couldn’t I got too distracted by things and in my thoughts to concentrate on it. I get up and walk out the door and down the halls, everyone still talking about what happened in class. I make it out of the corridors of the school and walk to my bus, I sit in the very back and just open my book, I grab my headphones and put music on while I read. Reading is the only thing I can concentrate on anymore. About 30 minutes later it's my stop, I walk to the front and get off, the bus driver always stays silent when it comes to me versus others he might say “See you tomorrow” or “Have a good weekend”. But not with me, he just looks out his window not even laying an eye on me at all. I walked through the door and there he was, my dad, who was just sitting at the kitchen table. He looks angry, really angry. But I don’t understand why or how he would be angry with me, I just got home after all. I don’t say anything I just walk up to my room and turn on the lights, Then I sit on my bed to finish my uncompleted work from today, But as I do so I hear footsteps coming up the stairs, My dad burst through my room yelling and then, he raises his hand… 

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121 Reviews

Points: 10310
Reviews: 121

Wed Jan 17, 2024 7:36 pm
Ley wrote a review...

Hello! I saw you posted some other chapters, so I thought it'd be best if I started from the beginning so I know what's actually going on. What's the best place to start other than than the prologue? :D So, let's begin this review!

First impressions...

This seemed like a very dark beginning to a thriller piece. We didn't get much information about the narrator, whether they were male or female, what grade they're in, what type of person they are-- besides the obvious fact that they're looked over and have trouble at home. This keeps the reader on edge, which is the perfect start to an even better novel!

When I was reading this I felt...

Sad, longing to help, empathetic. I felt myself drawn to this main character-- being as I went through something some what similar in my adolescence. I hope this is a story of freedom and livelihood instead of a sad ending. :(

My favorite line/quote is...

As I walk through the halls I hear people talk and talk, rumor talkers... People who just want to cause trouble and drama, I hate those types of people, they only ever care about themselves.

Okay, so I really enjoyed this sentence. You really showed us how mature this narrator is, how they think, and how they speak. Using the term 'rumor talker' is a great way to show what their life is like currently and how they'd wish to change it. This was a great sentence to add-- and I also loved how you built on it by relating it to the narrator's father.

Some things I would change would be...

I just look down as I walk to my seat and sit down, not wanting to look at anyone or anything.

I noticed that you reuse a lot of words repeatedly in this prologue, which isn't a problem as long as you space them out so they don't sound super repetitive. The use of the word 'down' twice in the same sentence kind of throws the reader in a loop, being as it's only a 21 word sentence and two of them are the same word. Try to switch it up. Thesaurus.com is a great way to find other words that you can substitute it for!

I walked over to them and when I walked back I got tripped.

Change of tense here. You wrote the majority of this prologue in present tense, but here you switched to past. Try to keep the tense consistent throughout the whole piece, that way it flows smoother. Also, once again, the repetitive words-- 'walked'.


This was a wonderful start to a novel! The ending had me on edge, and now I go to review the first chapter because... this dang cliffhanger. Happy writing!

With Love,

yourlocalsatanist says...

thank you so much for your feedback!

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667 Reviews

Points: 10927
Reviews: 667

Sat Oct 28, 2023 10:20 pm
Messenger wrote a review...

Hey there :) welcome to YWS and Happy Review Day! Let's hop in

1. I would personally put a trigger warning for this, especially with hos the last sentence goes, and the implications of that based on the title of the story. Something simple at the top of each chapter would do nicely, and you can edit that in at any time.

2. I think you need to break this up into several paragraphs. Not only is it all bold, but it's one big chunk that can be difficult to follow, especially for those who struggle with reading at all as is. It's easy to lose your place.

3. As for the story: it's an interesting start. Feels like the MC is similar to lot of kids in media in high school, but with the added unfortune of being in what sounds like a very abusive home. That being said, we're obviously rooting for him, and I love that we get to see so much of the internal dialogue.

4. I'm not sure that this needs to be a prologue instead of chapter one. Typically a prologue contains information far removed from the main story, or information needed that wouldn't fit anywhere else but doesn't directly happen in the main timeline. So unless this next chapter is not right after the events of this, making it a prologue isn't really necessary, and prologues tend to somewhat shy people away.

Hope this is all helpful. I'll be on to the next chapter


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1080 Reviews

Points: 344
Reviews: 1080

Tue Oct 24, 2023 11:25 pm
vampricone6783 wrote a review...

I like this story so far. It looks like it’s going to be mysterious and sad, but in that case, I’ll still read. I think so far that the character is a caring person, but stuff happened to make them closed off in life, which would lead to the title, where they run away. To a better life, perhaps? That is to be determined.

I will check out the first chapter. I wish you a lovely day/night.

Thank you for reading my work, it means a lot.

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100 Reviews

Points: 3076
Reviews: 100

Sat Oct 21, 2023 10:11 pm
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dragonight9 wrote a review...

Hi, I haven't read your work before but it seems pretty interesting.

First I wanted to comment that this may be a hard read for some people since it seems to involve a lot of pain and discrimination. I do like how descriptive you are though. You just may want to put a disclaimer if the topic gets much more graphic than this.

Second, this is a big block of text and that can make it difficult to read. It can be difficult to find the right spots to split up the text but it will be a lot easier to read when you do (I did the same thing when starting out here so I get it). It also makes it easier to highlight sections or specific points.

As for the story itself your main character seems very introspective and perhaps a bit narcistic/egocentric, (by that I mean he seems to think that he is the center of attention at all times and people determine their actions based on how they view him). This makes for an interesting character with room for growth while also being easy to sympathize with. It also makes me as the reader question whether what is happening to him is real or simply their perception of events.

I really want to find out more about the father since he seems to be abusive and/or struggles with anger issues. Perhaps he has a reason? Or maybe escape is the only option.

I liked the first person view of this story as it instantly places you (the reader) in the life of the character and feeling as they go about their day.

Overall I think this has some good potential and room for improvement. This seems like a very emotional piece and if it is related to personal experience I would caution you about feedback that may be painful. I have found this site to be filled with supportive and positive people so there is little fear of that on this site from my experience. I simply wanted to mention it just in case.

Have a great day.

It usually takes more than three weeks to prepare a good impromptu speech.
— Mark Twain