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Runaway- Chapter 1.

by yourlocalsatanist


Chapter 1.

I look in the mirror and what I see is a disturbance, a disgrace. I wasn’t always like this, and neither was my dad but after my mom died, well… things just changed for me and my dad, he didn't seem too bad at first, he found himself a new woman and things were good, or so he thought. I knew something about her that he didn't, she was stealing his money, and anytime he found his money gone, she said it was me and so I was always the one to get blamed. Eventually, after we went broke she left, and took my dad's money and happiness with her. Then he developed a drinking problem, and when things went downhill, I would have to take care of him and myself every night, i had to cook, clean, help him to bed, and go grocery shopping on my own, as a 12-year-old that was a risk with all the dangerous people and things in this world. I'm 15 now and I'm more distant than I was before, I still think about my mom from times and I wish she was here, to see me grow, and to take care of me. But she isn't and my dad isn't much of a dad, I still love him though, I have to, even though sometimes I don’t want to. See when my dad drinks sometimes he might hit me, it's not daily, or well it's not that daily... But it can happen a lot. I’ve gotten used to it by now so it doesn't really matter to me anymore, I just continue on with my daily life. But when my dad isn't hitting me, he's calling me names, things like “useless” or “a burden” and many other things under those lines. But like said I don't care anymore, it's useless to care because nobody cares how much you care about something they’ve said or done. It hurts, it really does. I Go down to the kitchen to make something to eat and as I make my food I feel a Pound against my head and everything goes black. I wake up on the ground with my ears ringing and my vision blurred. My ears stop ringing and I hear faint voices and sirens, I look over my vision is still blurry but I see something, people. I finally get my vision back and see my dad in handcuffs, and see police surrounding me. A woman comes in walks over to me and helps me to sit, she looks at me to make sure I'm not severely hurt and then helps me up to the ambulance. I end up falling asleep in the back but when I wake up I'm in the hospital, alone.. Finally, a doctor walks in with a police officer and I am free to go with him, we walk out of the hospital and reach his car. I get in and once again fall asleep, When I wake up we’ve arrived and I get out of the car to look at where we are, and in big words, on the building, I see Sunny Side Foster Home. My heart stops as I read it. “ what are we doing here..” I asked him he told me that this was where I would have to go because I had no other family to go to while my dad was in jail and when he got out I wouldn’t be able to go back. “ grab your backpack and come on.” He tells me. I reach into the car grab my bag and walk with him inside. It's bright and colorful with kids everywhere playing card games and board games or on a laptop owned by the foster home or maybe playing dolls or something kiddish like that. I walk up to the front desk with him and tell them my name “My name is Ravin” I say. “Ravin Fernsby.” They ask for my age and I say 15. A worker leads me to one of the rooms where there are other kids my age in there, some on their phones and others just talking or watching the TV. The worker introduced me. “ This is Ravin y'all, she's new so welcome her and be nice.” I walk in slowly and see a boy around 16 or 17 sitting alone on his phone. I walk closer and look around to see the faces of everyone to see how they look at me, some in disgust and some in confusion. I walk over to the boy, “ Can I sit here?” I ask him. He looks up and me and slightly smiles, “ Sure, I don’t mind,” He says to me. I sit next to him slowly and he looks over at me “ So, what's your name?” He asks me. “Oh, it's Ravin, Ravin Fernsby,” I say. “That's a beautiful name.” He says to me. “ How about you, what's your name?” I ask him. “ Cullen, Cullen Hemingway.” He tells me. “That's a Nice name.” I say. We talked for a bit and finally, it was time to go to our rooms, we shared rooms its like roommates, and I got told I would be in the same room with Cullen. I sighed in relief, Glad that I would share a room with someone who actually wasn’t disgusted with me. We walk to our room together and we both unpack together. “There's only one bed, you can take it and I can sleep on the floor.” He says to me. “No, it’s fine you can take the bed.” I tell him feeling bad for him trying to sleep on the floor. “Are you sure?” He says to me. “Yeah, I will be fine.” We finish unpacking and I lay on the floor slowly drifting off to sleep. I wake up in the middle of the night and find myself on the bed next to him. I sit up and look at the time. Exactly 3 A.M.. I get up and go to the bathroom before trying to lay back on the floor when I hear a voice “Get back up here, it’s to cold to sleep on the floor.” I realize it was Cullen saying it and so I slowly get back up and lay on the bed. After a bit, I fall back asleep. I wake up the next morning and he is already awake. “Hey,” I say strenuously. “Hey, did you sleep alright?” he asked me. “Yeah, kinda,” I say back to him as I get up slowly. “Good,” he says to me while putting on his jacket. “Now come on we gotta head to the front there are some people who want to look at the kids.” He tells me opening the door. “Okay.” I finally say getting up and throwing on some sweatpants and a baggy T-shirt. We walk down to the front where all the other teenagers and kids are and I see the two who wanted a child. I look around and see others looking at me and Cullen and I can’t help but look down. They end up picking Belle and Liah, the two twins that have been in here for years is what everyone says at least. Cullen looks at him and I look at him. I finally say, “Hey Cullen, How old are you?” He looks at me and says “I'm seventeen, How about you?” “Oh I’m 15,” I tell him. “So I’m Taking soon you gonna be out of here?” I ask him. “Yeah just 3 more months and They have no choice but to take me out of the system because I’ll be 18.” he tells me “I'm gonna miss talking to you,” I tell him. “I’ll miss talking to you too,” He says to me. “But for now let's hang out while we can,” He tells me. Later on, we hung out in our room and played some board games I won multiple times of course, it’s fun to play games with him because I like to be able to hang out with someone for once. While we play the game I beat him one last time and then out of nowhere, we hear a big knock on the door.


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Sat Oct 28, 2023 10:33 pm
Messenger wrote a review...



Back for more as promised.

1. While it was difficult to read the large chunk in the prologue, this is sooo much more. A few tips for breaking your work into paragraphs are as follows : 1) when there's a change in the events happening 2) anytime there's a line of dialogue from a different person. For instance

“Hey Cullen, How old are you?”
He looks at me and says “I'm seventeen, How about you?”
“Oh I’m 15,” I tell him. “So I’m Taking soon you gonna be out of here?” I ask him.
“Yeah just 3 more months and They have no choice but to take me out of the system because I’ll be 18.” he tells me
“I'm gonna miss talking to you,” I tell him.
“I’ll miss talking to you too,” He says to me. “But for now let's hang out while we can,” He tells me.


2. Your tense tends to swing back and forth between present and past. This makes it confusing as a reader because it's always switching and makes it harder to tell if what is being read already happened or is currently happening.

3. There are grammar mistakes littered throughout. I recommend downloading Grammarly on your browser. It's free with an email account and will help point out so many easy-to-miss things like commas, missing commas or other punctuation, run-on sentences and more.

4. For the story - I'm not sure why Ravin got hit this time around. I thought the way that the 2nd wife was described was great. Not too detailed, but not under-detailed, with very mattrer-of-fact line of thinking from Ravin which makes sense. She's obviously accepted her fate in some regards because honestly, what could a 15 year old do besides run away? I felt for her there, and I appreciated that there even seemed ro be some dark humor in it.

5. I like that Cullen seems nice. I thought it was a little weird that he slept in the same bed as her, but it makes sense that he would be more friendly since he's going to be out of there soon and probably looking forward to being out on his own.

Thata all I've got for now. Hope it helps

~ Messy




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Wed Oct 25, 2023 11:30 pm
vampricone6783 wrote a review...



At least Ravin has Cullen around. Hopefully they’ll get adopted together. It would be nice. If not, then at least Ravin will have him in her heart. I must agree, the names are gothic and unique. I like them. I’ll be sure to read the next chapter. I feel bad for Ravin. If only there was no stepmother…

I hope that you will have a wonderful and amazing day and night. Goodbye for now!




yourlocalsatanist says...


Thank you so much and I am posting chapter 2 soon when I get the points and I hope you and many other people enjoy!



vampricone6783 says...


You%u2019re welcome!



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Tue Oct 24, 2023 10:11 pm
Ley wrote a review...



Hello!

I love what I've read so far. I can see that the protagonist is dealing with being in the system, yet they find some comfort in it. I always find stories like this tugging at my heart strings. xD

I like how you really made us imagine how they feel, how it really is, and the dialogue between characters.

The only major critique that I have is formatting. The bold letters make it a little hard to read, and you could split the blocked paragraph into multiple smaller ones. I lost my place a couple times and it was hard to rewind. Other then that, this is a great piece! Thank you for sharing!

With love,
Leya




yourlocalsatanist says...


thank you so much for the suggestion you are not the first one to say that, I will make sure the next one is spaced out so it is easier to read, thank you!



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Tue Oct 24, 2023 7:26 pm
Flowers says...



This was really good, I can't wait for the next chapter!




yourlocalsatanist says...


next chapter coming soon, thank you!




When people are free to do as they please, they usually imitate each other.
— Eric Hoffer