z
  • Home

Young Writers Society


12+ Language

Runaway Chapter 4.

by yourlocalsatanist


In my mind, I was scared, scared of what he would do when he found out, or what he would say. I didn’t want Cullen to leave me too like everyone else has, I wouldn't have anywhere to go, I would be forced to go back to foster care because I’m just 15 after all, a minor. A stupid minor at that.

Cullen leaves for a bit to the store and I stay behind at the house, some alone time as I should call it. It's about 30 minutes into him being gone and I get bored, so I decide to do something fun but also have my hair on the line. I grabbed a pair of hair scissors put my hair in a ponytail and snipped at it. When I finished picking at it and trimming it up it was past my shoulders but only by a little. I style it look in the mirror and see a whole different me. One hour later Cullen arrives and he looks at me in shock. “You, You cut your hair?” He asked me, his mouth dropping. “Yea,” I say. “It looks amazing,” He tells me while putting groceries down. We get the groceries put away and both plop down.

We watch TV for a bit and finally, he falls asleep. I get up and go to the kitchen to cook the food. I grab some pork chops and bacon out of the freezer along with some mashed potatoes in the fridge. I get a pot out and put some water in it. I zone out as I hear the water run, The sploshing of the droplets falling into the pot is almost calming. I come back to reality and see the pot is running. “Shit,” I say as I turn the water off and pour some out of the pot. I grab the pot to put it on the stove and wait for it to boil.







As I wait for the water to boil, I grab the frying pan to cook the pork chops. I place them in and then I add some seasonings to the food. About 2 hours later the food is finally done. “Now I just have to set the table.” I sigh. I grab the plates, bowls, and silverware adding them all onto the table in a neat and nice order. When I finish I grab the food and make plates. I get him up when I'm done eating. He gets up slowly and walks over to the table to eat. I sit down next to him and start to eat. He gets a message and quickly grabs the phone. “Everything okay?” I ask. “Yeah, just a message from this um.. This job I was trying to get hired for. They need me to come in tonight, is that okay?” I smiled as I of course thought that he was telling me the truth.

“ Sure of course, Go ahead, I will put your plate in the fridge when you get home.” He smiles and walks out the door, and then he's gone. I start to clean but realize I ran out of window cleaner. “I’ll just have to go to the store and buy some.” I sigh. I put my shoes on and my jacket, and walk out into the night. “ I get up to the dollar store and see a couple kissing. I smile as I imagine me and Cullen. But then I realized something. The boy looks like Cullen, a little too much like him. I brush it off thinking it's just a coincidence. I walk past the couple though and realize it is Cullen, His dark brown hair, his clothes, his eyes, it's all the same. I freeze as my heart stops. “Cullen…”

The guy quickly turns around shocked “ R-Ravin what are you doing here..” “No, what are you doing here! And who is she!?” Cullen looks like he is about to cry and I am so angry and upset I don’t know what to do or think. “I can explain Ravin just wai-” I cut him off. “Why would you do this! I gave everything for you. I put myself in danger for you! I left the foster home for you! I left my chance of having a family for you!!” I yell. “ I’m sorry ravin but… I love her, I’ve been seeing her for a while now..” he tells me. “How long…” I say. “What?” “How damn long!” I couldn’t take it anymore. “Since…after we kissed.” He tells me as he looks down. My heart shatters. “Fine.. I will have my stuff packed before you get home. goodbye…Cullen” 


Is this a review?


  

Comments



User avatar
173 Reviews

Points: 11035
Reviews: 173

Donate
Sat Jun 15, 2024 8:13 am
DreamyAlice wrote a review...



Hey there, here for a short review!

This was the first chapter I read of this novel, so I don't know what is exactly thee plot. But I can definitely give you some suggestions based on this chapter alone. Okay so Raven is a 15-year girl who used to live in a foster home and left her everything for Cullen, it seems he is older like an adult maybe. Let's get into it!

In my mind, I was scared, scared of what he would do when he found out, or what he would say. I didn’t want Cullen to leave me too like everyone else has, I wouldn't have anywhere to go, I would be forced to go back to foster care because I’m just 15 after all, a minor. A stupid minor at that.


I like your writing tone, it is casual and easygoing. One suggestion would be that you have used the word "would" a couple of times and it ruins the smooth reading for me personally. Maybe you could rephrase it.

Suggestion~ Normally what people do with dialogues is that they write it in different lines to improve readability. For example here, in the last paragraph, the person reading will easily get confused if you put the dialogue in one line. Instead do the format this way~

The guy quickly turns around shocked “ R-Ravin what are you doing here..”

“No, what are you doing here! And who is she!?” Cullen looks like he is about to cry and I am so angry and upset I don’t know what to do or think.

“I can explain Ravin just wai-” I cut him off. “Why would you do this! I gave everything for you. I put myself in danger for you! I left the foster home for you! I left my chance of having a family for you!!” I yell.

“ I’m sorry ravin but… I love her, I’ve been seeing her for a while now..” he tells me.

“How long…” I say.

“What?”

“How damn long!” I couldn’t take it anymore. “Since…after we kissed.” He tells me as he looks down. My heart shatters.

“Fine.. I will have my stuff packed before you get home. goodbye…Cullen”


I hope you got what I meant. The dialogue is the part I think you can improve on.

I get a pot out and put some water in it. I zone out as I hear the water run, The sploshing of the droplets falling into the pot is almost calming. I come back to reality and see the pot is running.

I liked this part, the tone of the environment was nicely descriptive.

I also liked the part where she was walking past the couple and then slowly realised it was Cullen. I felt really bad for Raven.

That's it for this chapter! Hope to read more of your works1
Keep Writing👍
Image




User avatar
1080 Reviews

Points: 344
Reviews: 1080

Donate
Thu Jan 18, 2024 1:14 pm
vampricone6783 wrote a review...



Hello there, human! I'm reviewing using the YWS S'more Method today!

Shalt we commence with the possessed S’more?

Top Graham Cracker - Ravin runs away with Cullen to go and live with him, but as soon as she finds out that Cullen is with someone else, her heart is broken and she must leave.


Slightly Burnt Marshmallow -“The” for the water droplets from the pot could be lowercase, but that’s just what I think. You don’t have to listen to this.

Chocolate Bar - I like how at first, when Ravin sees the couple kissing, she’s happy for them, but when she realizes that the boy is Cullen, she gets understandably angered. It shows how much her trust was broken.

Closing Graham Cracker - I’m sorry that this happened to Ravin. First her Dad, now Cullen. Will she ever be able to trust anyone ever again? I will make sure to check out the next chapter, when it’s published.

I wish you an amazing day/night!





The person who has no opinion will seldom be wrong.
— Anonymous