Invisible
only here
because i'm still
incomplete.
faded
drove mad
from people
in the past
i'm only here
for as short time
to get my life together
and just to rhyme
- Max
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Canary word: Present
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125,008 Literary Works • 672,827 Reviews
Hey friend, I’m back with another review for one of your awesome poems! Let’s not waste any time and let’s jump right into the review:
This poem was very short, but I found it to be very powerful. You focus on the topic of feeling invisible. Feeling as if you’re only here for other people to see you to just drift through life without being much of anything. I find that this is a very relatable topic for me and for other people too. One thing I really liked is how your lines were very short, with only three or four or five words on every line. to me, this poem, almost literally symbolizes that falling feeling of being alone. Once again, mention being driven in this poem, which is something I have seen in your other poems as well. I really like how they all connect to your life specifically. I can really see how this is such a coping mechanism for you and also how personal these poems are, which makes it so much more enjoyable to read.
Another thing that I really enjoyed was your choice of words. I love how you describe yourself as “faded“. That gives such an effect of drifting away, slowly, overtime getting lighter as others don’t even notice you leave. You accomplish so much and so little words, which is super cool and awesome. I really do enjoy your poetry and I hope to see you more soon. I hope you’re doing well! And have a fantastic day.
Your friend,
Ellie
Hello, fellow poet! Let's dive in!
Ah, gosh. This is such a sad piece in a really touching way. I liked this line here:
I noticed this part:
Hm... The grammar is a tad off. Try rewrite it like this:
Also, I don't know if you did this on purpose, but you didn't capitalize anything but the first line. Maybe make it more consistent. If you don't want to go through the work of capitalization, just make everything lowercase. This way, it seems more consistent throughout the poem.
Hope this was helpful(and if it wasn't... well at least I tried)! Happy writing!
To be honest, if your goal was to rhyme like the last line, you did a bad job this time but it's fine it's not like it's a crime the rhyming isn't sublime but it's probably better than mine
Other than that useless nonsense I just HAD to spout, it's well put. You might feel incomplete as people go and take a piece of you with them, but that's what friends who will actually stick with you are for. If your heart was a stuffed animal, and people cut it open and hurt it, they would reach in and grab a handful of cotton when they leave. But think about it, what do they do with that cotton? They can't do anything else but fill someone else's heart. I'm sure you'll find someone who will stay and place a handful of cotton back in your incomplete heart, because you sure sound like you need it.
Have a good day, man. You're not invisible to me, I hope you know that. Thank you for giving me the opportunity to read this >:3