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12+

Gone Ghost

by yourlocalsatanist


Invisible 

only here 

because i'm still

incomplete.

faded 

drove mad

from people 

in the past 

i'm only here 

for as short time 

to get my life together 

and just to rhyme 

- Max 


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21 Reviews

Points: 334
Reviews: 21

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Sat Apr 20, 2024 5:50 am
Inferno wrote a review...



Hello, fellow poet! Let's dive in!

Ah, gosh. This is such a sad piece in a really touching way. I liked this line here:

only here

because i'm still

incomplete.

faded


I noticed this part:
drove mad

from people

in the past

Hm... The grammar is a tad off. Try rewrite it like this:
driven mad

from people

in the past

Also, I don't know if you did this on purpose, but you didn't capitalize anything but the first line. Maybe make it more consistent. If you don't want to go through the work of capitalization, just make everything lowercase. This way, it seems more consistent throughout the poem.

Hope this was helpful(and if it wasn't... well at least I tried)! Happy writing!




User avatar
12 Reviews

Points: 135
Reviews: 12

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Fri Apr 19, 2024 1:14 am
AkiraEliza wrote a review...



To be honest, if your goal was to rhyme like the last line, you did a bad job this time but it's fine it's not like it's a crime the rhyming isn't sublime but it's probably better than mine

Other than that useless nonsense I just HAD to spout, it's well put. You might feel incomplete as people go and take a piece of you with them, but that's what friends who will actually stick with you are for. If your heart was a stuffed animal, and people cut it open and hurt it, they would reach in and grab a handful of cotton when they leave. But think about it, what do they do with that cotton? They can't do anything else but fill someone else's heart. I'm sure you'll find someone who will stay and place a handful of cotton back in your incomplete heart, because you sure sound like you need it.

Have a good day, man. You're not invisible to me, I hope you know that. Thank you for giving me the opportunity to read this >:3





A jury consists of twelve people who determine which client has the better lawyer.
— Robert Frost