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16+

Games

by yourlocalsatanist


Warning: This work has been rated 16+.

I was never cut out 

for playing games 

i was never fond of them 

i played your game though 

for awhile i didnt know 

until i saw you in action 

you know collecting girls like pokemon isnt a good thing 

because unlike pokemon 

theyll leave your stupid

fucking game 

-max 


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121 Reviews

Points: 10310
Reviews: 121

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Sat Jun 08, 2024 7:15 pm
Ley wrote a review...



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Hello fellow writer! Ley here to write a short tortoise-y review on this amazing work you've published! This is a new review style that I'm using only for the month of June, in spirit of the Great Tortoise Race! Let's get started, 'shell' we? xD

Shell Start:
Ooh! I absolutely loved this. It actually, to me, reminds me of what it feels like to be in a manipulative relationships, especially because you use comparisons to a game. This poem was rather short, but it had so much meaning nonetheless!

Favorite Leaf:
The main thing I loved about this poem is how you used a conversational usage of style. In poetry, this can go a long way, and it definitely works in this situation. I don't mind cursing in poems, to me, sometimes it even shows more emotional and turmoil that the writer's feeling while creating the piece of art. By using conversational style of poetry here, it's straightforward, and it enhances the poems impact. It feels like a candid confrontation, making your message clear and direct. Lovely job!

Shell Fractures:
Honestly, I never feel comfortable making critiques or suggestions on poetry, being as this is an art form in itself and usually personal to the writer. But, either way, this poem doesn't need it-- even if I did have suggestions!

Overall: This was a deep and emotional poem, that was told in a casual way-- but filled with plenty emotion! Thank you for sharing!

Thank you for taking the time to read this review! I hope to see you join the race, and keep being awesome! Happy Writing~

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User avatar
218 Reviews

Points: 13763
Reviews: 218

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Mon Apr 15, 2024 4:58 pm
WinnyWriter wrote a review...



Hello, I'm here for a review. The sentiments expressed in this poem appear to be very realistic feelings, so that, of course, will give it the element of relatability to a number of readers.

I like the somewhat unstructured form you used. It can provide a sense of authenticity, like the writer is just talking from the heart, without the flamboyance of rhyme or structure. However, I noticed that the one line is significantly longer than the others (that being the line, "you know collecting girls like pokemon isnt a good thing). I would suggest breaking that into two lines, just so it doesn't stand out so much.

Another suggestion I'd make is that you make use of some punctuation. Poetry like this doesn't always need to follow a lot of rules with capitalization and punctuation, but some punctuation does help make the meaning of certain things more clear and distinct, whereas lack of punctuation can muddle the meaning or confuse the reader. I would at least recommend using apostrophes in words like didn't, isn't, and they'll.

Well, that's all for now. I hope you stay inspired to keep writing.





Marge, it takes two to lie. One to lie and one to listen.
— Homer Simpson