Young Writers Society

I'm back, again. You can probably tell by now that I really enjoy your writing.

Nico had shadow-traveled us here, and gave us directions to the Central Park.

We exchanged an exasperated look. I was getting a little bored from just strolling along the streets, so I quickened the time a little to get us there quicker.

I sprayed the hose, threw the drachma in, then said, "O Iris, goddess of the rainbow, accept my offering. Show me Grover Underwood." The image flickered to Grover, blowing his reeds to the strawberries. I shouted, "Grover!" And he stopped.

Hello, wisegirl, Wolf here for a review.

Percy Jackson fanfiction? Very interesting. I'm not really a big fan of fanfiction, because really I feel like it's just a spin off what happens in the books, and how I feel is that if one is doing a fanfiction, at least be original enough to use one's own characters. Be more creative and insert all new characters, rather than using characters from the series. Sure this is a Percy Jackson fanfic and he is kind of a legend, but I feel if you're going to do this, maybe make it farther in the future when the other characters have kind of moved on so that means no Nico >.<

Now I'm not trying to be mean, but that's how I feel. You're the author and you can do what you like, now on to content and other things. Now I haven't read previous parts, so I may ask something that were already answered.

I kind if feel like this is all rushed and the transition between scenes is very very minimal, and poorly done might I add. One minutes they are arguing, the next they are gaping, the next they are already contemplating getting into this room. Slow down! This feels very short for a chapter, and I feel like there are somethings that you could really draw out. Maybe describe the journey to Central Park rather than just say, we had directions then we got there.

Another thing, I'm not really feeling your characters. All their dialogue kind of seems like it comes from the same person. I really cannot tell the personality differences between them, I'm sorry but that's how so feel. The really only time there was somewhat personality in there was when the MC mocked Will and his bagpipes. Work on character development a but more.

Still, in the middle part, your descriptions were nice, and I could tell that it really was a breathtaking view. Don't get discouraged! Just keep working, and you'll improve! Happy Review Day and Keep Writing,
~Wolfare

no intro needed, this is a review.

"'Central Park," Sadie answered for me." Since shes saying it with annoyance in her tone you should express her feelings in it; such as, "Sadie answered with discontent," except not that because that is also not a good sentence. just maybe add something showing that she is annoyed instead of saying so in the next sentence.

"She looked equally annoyed as I did." this... just fix it please. Equally and as I did mean the same thing so your sentence is redundant, plus this just doesn't sound right.

"so I fastened the time a little to get us there quicker." fastened does not mean to speed up. I think there are just a few things you could do to make this sentence better.

"We finally reached the Central Park, and I was fascinated by its beauty. " Sentence fluency isnt great here; perhaps you could say something like, "We finally reached Central Park; I was fascinated by its beauty," or "We had finally reached Central Park and I was already fascinated by its beauty." Also, you might be able to find a better word than fascinated, perhaps: In awe, captivated, mesmerized, intoxicated, the list goes on (http://thesaurus.com/browse/fascinated) {this should also be the beginning of a new paragraph}

"The park had lush, green, soft grass beneath your feet as you walked," this isn't exactly right; again a sentence fluency problem.

"And also for this beauty of a view. I turned my head to see Will and Sadie gawking at the view," View is used far too many times in this chapter, and you probably shouldn't start a sentence with And until you know more about English grammar, and when it's proper to do so.

"I smirked and instantly" Sentence fluency my dear!



{"Jaz! How have you been doing?" He asked joyfully.

"Great, except we're on an epic death quest," I replied, and he chuckled.

"Well, whadya need me for? He asked, and I sighed.

"We need your reeds. We're at Orpheus's door." I explained. He nodded and started playing a tune. The rocks shook and rumbled, until finally it opened up into a dark, musty staircase. "Thanks, Grover!" I called, and disconnected him.} theres a lot of "I said and I, He replied and we" just too much "and" all around.




One last note, perhaps before writing a story about actual mythology, you should do some research about it. A lot of research. like, A lot. Learn all about the stories and who these gods were, how they acted, what was their story. For example these's a lot more to getting into the underworld that was spoken of. If you want to write you need to do your research and make sure what you're writing is accurate.

Wow! This is an amazing chapter in this book you are writing. I will follow you. I will also start reading your books. For an eight year old, you have a way with words.