she cleanses her palate
with lies she can't swallow
alibis she can't follow
too sick for the truth
though she tries, she can't forget
the memories made hollow
her tear-splattered gallow
the loss of her youth
~~
these are her prisons
each blood-fisted prism
of bars, forming rhythm
with dirges and kicks
and still, she keeps singing
her half-hearted meaning
a colourful bleeding
there's nothing to fix
~~
and fine, so she's hurting
and things aren't all perfect
and freedom is hurling
itself against the gate
of each song she keeps humming
and she can't keep running
forever is strumming
the strings of her fate
~~
please help her, she's trying
to cease all her lying
and each strained goodbyeing
to find something to keep
perhaps, there's a place
where she can just be
and at last, finally
lay her head down and sleep
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Canary word: Present
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125,021 Literary Works • 672,742 Reviews
I think this poem is about someone who has dug themselves into a hole that is too deep for them to get out of.She’s trying so desperately to do what is right,but the whole world has caved into her,made stronger by her very own lies.She needs help,her sea of untold truths has submerged her too deep.I hope that you have a lovely and amazing day and night.
Thanks so much for the review !!
Hey there! Plume here, with a review! I noticed your work in the green room and decided to bump it out. It's been a while since I reviewed poetry, so you should probably take everything I say with a grain of salt.
I really enjoyed this poem! I think one thing you did really nicely was the rhyme scheme. It flowed very naturally, and I think it added a lot to the poem. It gave it a sense of urgency, I think, and it worked to tie in your title very well. It was so unique, and it really added a whole lot of character to your poem. It was just super nice. Every new phrase added something more, and it was masterful, truly. I really enjoyed it.
The words you used were also really phenomenal. You're telling this story that's very moving. it reminded me of a bridge in this one song called "Hiding In Your Hands." I love the lines like "forever is strumming the strings of her fate" and "these are her prisons, each blood-fisted prism of bars, forming rhythm with dirges and kicks." There's such vivid imagery and it's just so poetic and beautiful. It caused my heart to ache and it was such a lovely effect.
I really only have one suggestion, and it's about the first stanza. I'm not sure how professional it is to rhyme "follow" with "follow," especially when they're so close in the poem. The repetition, even if it was intentional, just seems careless and unintentional, almost like a mistake. I feel like you'd be better off just changing it or rewording it.
Overall: really nice poem! I thought this was stupendous work, and you should definitely be proud. I'm looking forward to reading more from you in the future!!
Thank you so much!! That rhyme was definitely NOT intentional and i didn't notice that, rip. Thanks for pointing it out, lmao. Also that song!! Is very good!!!! I absolutely love DEH. Thanks for the review!
I really like this! I love what you did with the rhyme, and your rhythm is very natural. Close rhymes are a tricky thing, and you used them well. My one critique is that the title is too sarcastic for this serious poem. It's funny, but it doesn't really do the poem justice. Anyway, thank you for your poem, and I can't wait to see more!
thank you!!!!
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