Young Writers Society

Hello there Wayward

Lehmanf here with a short review. I hope it finds you well.

Overall this was a strong poem that expressed a lot of emotion. As you classified it as a poem I might edit the format a little. Or it might be better classified as a short story or other. (I'm not sure if there is or isn't a letter option as well.)

I’m sorry I ruined it for you. And by you I mean me.

I think in a proper letter it may be necessary but I think that telling everyone who you are breaks the flow of this piece. I'm a very lyrical person and almost wish to see this expanded.

Maybe this could work for you: I'm sorry I ruined it for you. I'm sorry I ruined everything for you.

At the moment the narrator is vulnerable, self-conscious, expressive, sincere, taking blame that they may not take ever again. And I think that needs to show. Sorry isn't enough after so many years. You almost need an introduction to show your guilt. I write with this shaking pen, so aware of the mess I am. So aware of every little thing, every little problem I have. That I need to fix. That I need to right somehow. That I need to write down. So I write this with a shaking hand. So I can finally say sorry for everything I've done since that day.

I’m sorry I never got better, and I’m sorry I never cleaned my room.

I seem to feel that you can add a bit more context to each sentence and have them as two different sentences so we can feel you a little better behind the words. I'm sorry I never got any better for you. I'm sorry I never cleaned my room. I'm sorry I let you live in that. I'm sorry I let them shout at you for that. I think this has subtle yet emotion-filled tone that you have portrayed is perfect for this poem.

I’m sorry that, no matter how hard I try, I still find myself wondering what would happen if I went to sleep and never woke up.

This is the main message of the poem! This is what it focuses on. Tell me more. You aren't scared to speak in a letter that you write for yourself. You aren't scared of something you're so far written already. I'm sorry that, no matter how hard I try, I still myself wondering. Wondering what would happen if I cut myself one more time. Wondering what would happen if I burnt myself black. Wondering what would happen if I fell asleep and never woke up.

I’m sorry that this lived-in body with all its bruises and scars was never once loved, and I’m sorry that all I can do for you, for little me, is try to go back there again.

I think this would be the perfect time to portray a small simile. I also think now is the perfect time to add something about the mind. Such as: I'm sorry that this old, lived-in body with its rusty hinges. I'm sorry that this old, lived-in body with all its bruises and scars were never once loved. I'm sorry that I hate this old, lived-in body with all its bruises and scars. I also think you may consider separating the sentence so more context can be added. That last sentence is perfect and another reason you don't need that small piece of "You, I mean me." at the start.

Sitting in the backyard by the koi pond, suspended in time. Laughing in the summer as the popsicles melted down my hands and splattered my clothing.

I really like this line, like the compassion. The feeling of floating. The feeling of falling away to the reality that you miss because I remember every single minute in the house I lived in since my birth and onwards for 9 years. I remember the whole afternoon I spent crying, knowing we were about to go. Outside alone. Not able to look at the empty inside of our home. I remember the great wooden gate and big wendy house. The grass where we played soccer. The small little pool that had overflowed that one time while we watched a movie, the water trickling out of it when I jumped in. That time we swam in the rain. That time I stared in shock and horror as they cemented our front yard, leaving us with only this slope. I remember playing hide and seek with friends who were like family. stolen from my heart by their father they hardly knew. To be exact. There's so much loss in moving. So much pain. So much foregoing of memory. And I hate it. And you need to add it because I wrote this whole paragraph. Why were you upset? I've told you why I was. The whole poem has a distinct gentle feeling about and I think the verb splattered is a little harsh. Maybe dripped would be better as it just continues and helps the tone.

Crying as I left the first place I called home. When I eventually went back there, it never was the same.

Add more, please. You're missing so much. Crying as I left the first place I called home. Crying as I looked back over my shoulder one more time. Crying as I imagined what it would be like when I went back. But when I went back it was never the same.

After having confused myself whether I've been writing my own poem (Thanks for the inspiration.) or a review or both. Or maybe just trying to make myself cry. I think the gentle feeling of this poem is really well executed. Overall this poem is really nice, I just think it needs more context. It just needs more of you and what you felt.

Have a nice day/night
Lehmanf