A memory of years gone by.
He laughs in the park, and the new beginnings of life
perk up to hear his old, withered voice.
He is a perennial nearing winter, and I have just begun to bud.
A vernal beauty and a withering flower whose buds remain,
opening gently to impart wisdom of days long past.
He talks of his coming seedtime when he joins the harvest,
and I am yet too young and vernal to understand.
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Canary word: Present
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125,021 Literary Works • 672,742 Reviews
Hello waywardxwallflower! Incoming review!
Although this is in a grammatically correct format, it just doesn't sound pleasing. I don't know, it kinda sounds stumbled in it's presentation. Or it could also be because its length is so much shorter than all the other lines and it breaks up a flow we haven't even gotten to experience yet.Congrats on FM! With that said let me get on to the review.
I'll start with critique first.
The second line is where I have issues. This is all one sentence with a line break so there isn't any real reason to spin it into a less formal way of talking when your whole poem is somewhat formal. There needs to be a conjoining word to make it sound better.
The last one a probably more of a me problem and it's the difficulty of interoperating the poem's theme. I see you have a lot of Winter and budding flower imagery. But the only thing, for me, that comes to mind is walking through a dead garden (Winter) and then getting past it to see a beautiful array of flowers in another garden (Spring.) That's all I could really extract from it but my interoperation game ahs been off lately.
But that's it for critique, let me praise your work. I like your use of bigger words like, "vernal" and "perennial" and "seedtime" two of which I had to look up. It elevates your work into something more regal and mature. with seasonal poetry, it is often childish (not in a bad way) but your work is more mature with the choice of wording you use.
I also really really really like your capitalization and punctuation style. This is my favourite form of capitalization and punctuation in poetry so I'm a little biased, but this also contributes to the more mature feeling. Everything just works out!
But that's all I have for today. I hope you found some of it useful. Again, congratulations on Featured Member! You deserve it! Anyway byeeeeeeeeeeeee<3333
Thanks so much for your review!
Hi there, Ellie-Mae here for a quick review!
I’ll give honest feedback, but nothing at all is intended to hurt or discourage you in any way at all! <3 So, without waiting any longer, let’s get right into it and digest the spectabulous piece of literary work!
sets up the time frame well.
Wishing you a happy day/evening/morning/night/whatever is applicable to your part of the world! First off, please remember that my reviews are my own opinions
“A memory of years gone by.”
A lovely start! Powerful and gets right to the point
“He laughs in the park, and the new beginnings of life
perk up to hear his old, withered voice.”
Alright, so this must be a memory of an event that occurred, with someone laughing. Seems like an elderly (wise) male is asking you to listen to his old withered voice. I love the word withered by the way! Nice choice of words, especially the second line.
“He is a perennial nearing winter, and I have just begun to bud.”
I love this. To me it shows us that this man is nearing the end of his life, while you (the person writing this) has just began their life. They are young. You’ve established two separate people so far from what I interpret.
“ A vernal beauty and a withering flower whose buds remain,
opening gently to impart wisdom of days long past.
He talks of his coming seedtime when he joins the harvest,
and I am yet too young and vernal to understand.”
I love the ending. I did notice the use of the word Vernal multiple times, but I love that word too!
This was very beautiful and amazingly written. I hope you can benefit from my review.
Sending you a virtual hug!
-Ellie-Mae
Thanks so much for the review!!