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My dearest Denise..

by vampricone6783

*This song is from my “Town of Richardson” stories.It’s Gabriel’s love song to Denise.This is way before he died.I have Gacha Club character designs on my wall.Remember that Denise is also Demise.The only difference is one letter.

My dearest Denise

The girl who’d never leave my side

My dearest Denise

She’d never say goodbye

I love her so

She’s so kind

She actually liked seeing me perform!

She wouldn’t call me a ridiculous clown

Is this all a dream?

Is my dearest Denise only a fantasy?

No, this is real

As real as life itself

My dearest Denise, I hope you know

How much I love you so

I know I’m just a boy

Who is abnormally tall

Who can juggle a few balls

And ride on a unicycle

But Denise, I promise you,

I will be the best boyfriend I can be

I’ll love you till my heart explodes from inside

And leaves a bloody heap of a mess that used to be me

I promise…

Is this a review?



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455 Reviews

Points: 22098
Reviews: 455

Sat Aug 20, 2022 9:43 pm
Hijinks wrote a review...

Hi there, vampricone! I see your lyrics have been in the Green Room for over a month, so here I am to remedy that!

One thing I notice right off the bat is that you've got some lovely rhyming happening in a few parts! It makes it feel more like a song, even though I'm just reading it on a page right now. I can definitely imagine some lovesick guy singing this in a musical or something. I especially enjoyed the slanted rhyme of "side / goodbye" near the start, "know / so" later on, and "I can be / used to be me" right at the end.

I was a bit caught off-guard by this line:

And ride on a damn unicycle

I just found the phrasing to be unnecessarily aggressive? Like it seemed kind of out of place. I don't think it's at all wrong to use the word "damn" in a love song, it just doesn't feel natural in this one right now. The rest of the language is so naive and simple sounding, like for example "I know I'm just a boy / Who is abnormally tall" and "She'd actually like to see me perform!" have a very different tone from "damn unicycle". My point being, perhaps take a look at what kind of tone you want to convey - if you want more angst, that's totally fair! - and then make sure all the language is consistent with that tone.

In terms of Interpretation - I was a bit surprised that AriesBookworm read this as a toxic relationship! Perhaps I'm just missing a lot of context from the story, but as a stand-alone-song I don't think it comes across as being about a toxic partner. I read it more as puppy love and admiration that Gabriel has for Denise. Every way in that Gabriel describes Denise is overwhelmingly positive, and the way he talks about longing to be the perfect boyfriend just seems wholesome to me. Towards the end his tone does get a bit more dramatic, talking about "a bloody heap of a mess", but that seems to be entirely hypothetical and it's not unusual to get a bit dramatic when it comes to matters of love.

So I'm curious what kind of relationship you intended for Gabriel and Denise to have! Perhaps, if they do have a toxic relationship in the story, you could think of ways to convey that in the song as well; whether showing Gabriel recall bad things she has done, and then brushing them off, or showing Denise actively gas-lighting Gabriel, or something else entirely.

That's it for my review! I enjoyed reading this song! I can definitely relate to idolizing someone the way Gabriel idolizes Denise and wanting to just be the perfect partner you know they deserve; I think that's a fairly universal feeling! So good job capturing that. Let me know if you have any questions about anything I brought up!


vampricone6783 says...

Thanks for your review!

I will definitely take out that word.

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83 Reviews

Points: 187
Reviews: 83

Wed Aug 10, 2022 7:53 pm
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AriesBookworm wrote a review...

You are really able to capture the heartbreak, hopelessness, and desperation that Gabriel feels. This is a toxic relationship. Even when Denise had used Gabriel and left him behind to move on, Gabriel still wants her. He has become so reliant on Denise that it feels impossible for him to leave her. He wants her to come back to him but Denise does not love him, I doubt she ever did, and if she ever had any love for him she doesn't anymore. Denise has deceived and manipulated Gabriel to the point where he cannot see the horrid side of her. Gabriel has been damaged and thinks that Denise is the only one who can fix him. I find "love" stories like these very tragic because it is not truly love. It is a love that has been warped and twisted into something much darker than what love truly is. This is a really good song that you have written and I hope Gabriel gets a happier ending than this.

vampricone6783 says...

Gabriel will have to decide for himself if he wants to move on and get a happy ending.

Thanks for a review!

The simple truth is that authors like making people squirm. If this weren't the case, all novels would be filled completely with cute bunnies having birthday parties.
— Brandon Sanderson, Alcatraz Versus the Evil Librarians