Young Writers Society

Ok I'm back for more spooky fairytale like stories! I like the way you've started this one, because I think it goes well with the theme of the story.

One Day,their father started a whole town,the one they ended up living in and he even named it after their last name.”The town of Richardson.”

So their father started a town in one day? I'll admit I don't think I've read your other short story on these characters, but a whole town in one day feels unlikely unless that's a specific feature of The Town of Richardson. I would remove the 'one day'.

Parents would tell their children to bully Leona and Amelia by calling them names like:”Spoiled brats!” and “ugly pigs!” The children would think nothing of it and name call them.They were told that it was supposed to be a fun game.

Hmmm, isn't it more likely that the parents would call them names and the children would pick it up? I find it hard to believe parents would actively tell their children to be bullies. It's often more of a do as I say not as I do situation. But of course kids are sponges so would definitely repeat what they heard.

Their parents took Leona and Amelia there,to get rid of their troubles.

How would a circus get rid of their troubles? Distract them, maybe, but how would it get rid of them?

The girls saw many different animals.They even saw people bend themselves like elastic bands and leap over tall buildings,buildings that were so tall,they seemed to touch the Heavens.

I'd love more description about the circus - it seems a really interesting place!!

“So I can turn them into skeleton-vampire hybrids.You’ll be able to visit them,of course.But they’ll live in my circus,as freaks.” The man said.

I'm surprised he came out and said it... would anyone give their children to him based on this?

I think you could add some more tension with the fire - it's over quite quickly and we miss out on the emotion of the moment! Definitely something you could work on if you want to edit this one.

I like how you've tied two stories together here! It's a neat idea

Happy RevMo!

Icy

Good Morning/Afternoon/Evening/Night(whichever one it is in your part of the world),

Hi! I'm here to leave a quick review!!

First Impression: Soo...having read the backstory, this also made for an awesome read, and it looks like all these characters here are meant to be ghosts here, each with some purpose to remain which is a pretty cool concept.

Anyway let's get right to it,

Once upon a time,there were two twin sisters.Their names were Leona and Amelia Richardson.They were both six years old,but Leona was older by minutes.The sisters were closer than anyone.They were fairly wealthy,but they were also sweet and energetic.

One Day,their father started a whole town,the one they ended up living in and he even named it after their last name.”The town of Richardson.”

Hmm, I love this fairy tale theme coming in right from the very beginning here in this backstory, that seems like a style that's oddly suited to writing backstories for characters here.

Also,other people were beginning to become jealous of the family’s wealth.Parents would tell their children to bully Leona and Amelia by calling them names like:”Spoiled brats!” and “ugly pigs!” The children would think nothing of it and name call them.They were told that it was supposed to be a fun game.

They only ever got name called,but it hurt them.

Oh that is most definitely not good, looks like jealousy has led to some pretty bad things right there, to think that parents of other children would actively sanction something like this is a pretty serious situation here.

The parents themselves would be rude to the other parents,all because they were jealous and wanted people to assume things about the Richardsons.

The name calling for Leona and Amelia never stopped,no matter how much their parents intervened,it didn’t stop.It only got worse.

But then…a circus opened.It was across from their house,too.

Their parents took Leona and Amelia there,to get rid of their troubles.

Not sure how a circus is going to solve systematic bullying by what sounds like an entire community, but I sort of get the point you're going for here. At any rate this makes for a pretty interesting backstory there, it'll be a wonder if these two kids don't grow up to hate people in general after how they were treated here.

The girls saw many different animals.They even saw people bend themselves like elastic bands and leap over tall buildings,buildings that were so tall,they seemed to touch the Heavens.

Leona and Amelia met a charming man who owned the circus.He got them free candy and popcorn whenever they visited.He even gave them special names.The family was introduced to his thirteen year old,William,who babysat them when the parents were gone.

Ahh, so this is tying into William's backstory from earlier I see...and then the father is ohhh...wow, well, this is not going to end well for these two girls is it? Oh dear...well, I am loving this other side of the story.

It looked like things were going wonderful for the girls..

But like I said earlier,good things can’t last.

It was 8:00 on a Saturday evening.Leona and Amelia were fighting over a music box.Both girls wanted to play with it.

“IT’S MINE!” Leona screamed.

“NO,IT’S MINE!” Amelia yelled.

Yeah...I think they're soon going to have much worse problems to deal with than who gets the music box...although how this subtly lets us know quite how young these two girls here are.

Suddenly,they heard voices downstairs.They stopped fighting over the music box and went downstairs.Their parents were in the living room,talking to the man who owned the circus.

“Can I take them?” The man asked.

“Why?” Their parents asked.

“So I can turn them into skeleton-vampire hybrids.You’ll be able to visit them,of course.But they’ll live in my circus,as freaks.” The man said.

Wow, did not expect this person to have actually gone and just politely asked the parents permission before he just went completely mad and decide to burn everything down and start killing people...I was expecting something more like an attempted kidnapping that got foiled..well, this shows that William's father really had a bit of a strange outlook on life there.

The girls were shocked.Why would he want to lock them away and change them?

“No.” Their parents said.

“But-“ He was saying.

“NO!” They yelled more firmly.

“They are our daughters,not lab rats to be experimented with.We had them visit your circus to cheer them up when they were sad.We won’t be coming again anytime soon.” Their parents said.

It looks like a very wise decision by the parents there, of course its going to come back to haunt them in the most horrible way it possibly can, but that of course is besides the point here.

“But-“ He got interrupted again.

“Goodbye.” They lead him outside.

“Hear me out-“ He said.

“GOODBYE!” They yelled,slamming the door in his face.

The children quickly ran upstairs before they could get caught.

Yup...things are about to get really baad for this entire family...and now I suppose we get to see who manages to survive this fire and who ends up dying. I'm pretty certain that everyone isn't going to end up dead, some of them will survive.

Now,it was 8:30 and the girls were lying in bed,when suddenly,they smelled something.It smelled like smoke.

They left their rooms to check it out.To their surprise,the whole house was on fire!

“Mom? Dad?” They asked,coughing up smoke.The smoke was too overwhelming for them.They had forgotten what to do in a fire and started coughing up smoke.

Nothing.There was only the stench of heat and destruction.

Oh that doesn't sound good, it sounds like the parents were maybe killed by William's father. I don't remember if that's a thing that he did or not...hm, and now that I think about, even William did die in his story, so maybe these two end up dead too.

The girls tried searching for the door,but they couldn’t find it.The whole house was falling apart.

“MOM?! DAD?!” They screamed again,this time with tears in their eyes.

“MOM?! DAD?!” They repeated,still looking for them.

“WHERE ARE YOU?! SOMEBODY,HELP US!” The girls cried,coughing up smoke and breathing heavily.

Yeah that's not going in a good direction for the poor souls, I think they will end up maybe joining William in haunting this town in some way...maybe, without anyone helping and them not knowing what to do, their chances of survival are slim to none.

They tried everything,these poor girls.But soon,the girls burned up and died.The house collapsed on their dead bodies.

They woke up,dead.At least they had each other.

Now,some say they still haunt the town,seeking revenge for their death.

Hmm...another haunting ending to these backstories...well well, a death it shall be after all...it certainly makes for quite the ending here...another one of those somewhat bittersweet endings to this particular tale.

Aaaaand that's it for this one.

Overall: Overall, this made for a very interesting read, and see how things went down from the perspective of the two girls was actually really interesting. If you continue to upload more backstories, I just might read them, cause I'm starting to get somewhat hooked to this universe of characters now

As always remember to take what you think was helpful and forget the rest.

Stay Safe
Harry