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I love you, father! (William’s song)

by vampricone6783


*This is another song I made for my “Town of Richardson” stories. It’s about William’s feelings toward his father. Despite him being thirteen years old, he still feels enough for his mother to sometimes call her “Mommy”. He loves his father, but he doesn’t share the same kind of affection for him as he does for his mother. Yet William still cares about him, to some degree. Now, let’s get to the song!


INTRO:

“What I am thinking?  Of course Dad loves me. He’s the greatest man who ever lived. Everyone says so…so why am I feeling this way?  I must be exaggerating..”

SONG:

I love you, dear father!

Your circus, so big and beautiful!

The colors draw a crowd and you can bring a smile on anyone’s face.

If only I were as good as you,then I’d be the pride of your life.

You’re always in that circus, always bringing joy to others.


Do you ever think about me and Mommy?

Do you ever wonder if we miss you?

Do you ever take the time for us?

What am I saying?

Of course you love us!


You just have a lot on your plate.

I know I shouldn’t be worried,because you know what you’re doing and you wouldn’t forget us.

I love you, dear father! (I really do)

Your circus, so big and beautiful! (It certainly is)

The colors draw a crowd and you can bring a smile on anyone’s face.


If only I were as good as you, then I’d be the pride of your life.

You’re always in that circus, always bringing joy to others.

But seriously, can you just sit with me?

Just one second?


That’s all I ask of you, one second.

Would it really kill you to talk to me?

Would it really kill you to have a conversation?


Oh, but I’m rambling.You know what you’re doing.

Why am I saying this? I should stop bothering you..

I love you,dear father! (I really do)


Your circus, so big and beautiful! (It certainly is)

The colors draw a crowd and you can bring a smile on anyone’s face.

If only I were as good as you, then I’d be the pride of your life.


You’re always in that circus, always bringing joy to others.

I love you so much, I don’t think you know how much I love you.


How many times must I say I love you?

I work at your circus, I’m your wingman.


The second ringmaster in line to run the show.

So, what’s wrong?

Why don’t you talk to me?

Aren’t I doing what I’m supposed to be doing?

Should I try harder?


How can I be like you?

Teach me, teach me everything!

Please…I love you…

Please?

That’s all I ever ask…



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Fri Aug 19, 2022 8:29 pm
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Seirre wrote a review...



Hi there vampricone! I thought I'd stop by with a review to poke your song out of the Green Room. :)

I see alliyah already covered a lot of good stuff in her review, so I'll try not to be too repetitive!

I'm going to start off with an interpretation of the song - what meaning I get from it and what I think it's about. I like to spend at least 4 sentences (usually more; I can get carried away!) of a review going over this, since I know it can be really helpful to hear how other people interpret your own piece.

Interpretation - the narrator, William, seems to have conflicting feelings about his father. It sounds like his father is often absent from home and doesn't really give William the attention he wants. I get this from the lines that talk about his "dear father" always being at the circus, about not wanting to bother his busy father, and about wanting to be good enough to make his father pay attention and be proud. It seems like despite the fact that William misses his father and feels forgotten, he still really respects and loves him. William talks a lot about how his father "brings joy to others" and wanting to be "as good as him". And then, of course, he just outright talks about how much he loves his father. Overall, the theme of this song seems to be about dysfunctional family relationships and how putting more into your side of a relationship - and not getting the same kind of love and affection back from the other person - can be really draining and unhealthy.

Next I'm going to take a look at what I liked and didn't like so much! I try to be as specific as possible - point out my favourite lines or phrases - so that the writer knows exactly what to do the same next time and what to do differently.

Favourite stuff - You do a great job of giving the narrator, William, a very specific voice. The way he talks and the language he uses sounds like that of a young boy. Instead of using big, fancy or technical words (which wouldn't suit the subject or the speaker very well!), you've stuck to using common, personal sounding language. This comes across in simple phrases like "What's wrong?" "What am I saying?" "How can I be like you?"

This actually leads me to my next point! I noticed you used a lot of question phrases in this song. The song is addressed at William's father, and so William is asking his father a lot of questions over the course of the song. This makes me, the reader, see how obsessed with his father William is, and it also shows that William is at a bit of a loss - he doesn't know what he's doing wrong to make his father ignore him, and he doesn't know what to do differently to change things.

Things that can be worked on! - I noticed that there is quite a bit of repetition in this song. Some of it is repeating lines word for word - "I love you, dear father! (I really do) / Your circus, so big and beautiful! (It certainly is)" and some of it is repeating ideas - for example, the idea of William's father being at the circus. Repetition definitely has a role to play in songs; if you have a chorus, for example, it will be repeated several times. So that in itself is not necessarily a good or bad thing! I would've liked, though, if instead of just repeating the exact same thing, you expanded on those ideas in new ways each time they appeared in the song! That makes the repetition more engaging and meaningful for the reader.

Overall, this was definitely an emotional song and the reader/listener feels a lot of sympathy for William. I hope this review proves useful for ya! Let me know if there's anything you'd like me to elaborate on!

Best,
Seirre






Thanks for the review!



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Sun Aug 14, 2022 11:16 pm
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lliyah wrote a review...



Hi Vampricone I'm going to review this using the Review Critique Sandwich this is what I've found the most effective reviewing method to be. I hope it gives you some specific feedback on your work.

Overall Thoughts - Top Bun


Here are some overall thoughts on what you wrote in your piece.

> I appreciated the context note at the beginning but I think the story could use a little bit more context, at what scenario is the speaker saying these things (ie. in their mind, as a song, in a journal, out-loud?) that would help me place them.

> Overall I felt a little lost in figuring out how the dialogue connected to the characters and overall scene and plot of the piece.

> You've got very emotive language throughout and that is probably your best strength.

Specific Improvements - Meat of Sandwich


Here are some specific areas that I think you could make some improvements on to bring your piece to the next level.

Grammar Conventions
Something that will help readers to understand and read more easily what you are writing is something that I notice comes up in a lot of your writing. After any piece of punctuation you should place a space. Like this: Sentence. [space]Next sentence. [space] Next sentence.
This tip applies to commas and ellipses too.
So when you have an ellipses (which is always 3 dots) ... add a space after the third dot. And when you have a sentence with a comma, add a space after the comma. This will make your writing flow and read more clearly and make it come across more polished. I'm going to show you a quote to show you what I mean:

I love you,dear father! (I really do)

Your circus,so big and beautiful! (It certainly is)


^ in both places you need a space after the comma.

Continuity
The narrator's thread of thinking was a bit chaotic for a reader just jumping into the scene, we jumped from circuses, to questions, to efforts, to talking, to teaching, to morality and I wasn't sure how each question or phrase connected to the last. I would try to put related thoughts together, and then when moving to a new subject try to find a transition to get there.

Bottom bun - Areas of Specific Praise


This is a specific area of the piece I want to highlight because you did a great job in.

Emotive Language
As I said earlier you seem to do a good job of using very persisitent emotive language - that was consistent throughout the piece and was very much highlighted at the end. I'm going to include a quotation to show you what I mean.

Should I try harder?

How can I be like you?

Teach me,teach me everything!

Please..I love you..

Please?

That’s all I ever ask..


^ this part pulled at the heart strings.

Closing



I've found this to be a really helpful format to use for me in organizing my thoughts. I hope this specific feedback formatted around the Review Sandwich Format helps you. Have a good day.






William is talking to himself in the beginning and throughout the song.He cannot actually tell his Dad these feelings, as he is too busy and wouldn%u2019t pay attention to him either.

His father works at a circus and so does he.(William)



lliyah says...


Thanks for the extra context, that makes sense!




If it wasn't for poetry, I couldn't express myself.
— Rosendorn