Young Writers Society

Ok... this... is even sadder after reading the origin story and the "I love (hate you), father" version.

Poor child.

"…so why am I feeling this way? I must be exaggerating..”

Hi there vampricone! I thought I'd stop by with a review to poke your song out of the Green Room. :)

I see alliyah already covered a lot of good stuff in her review, so I'll try not to be too repetitive!

I'm going to start off with an interpretation of the song - what meaning I get from it and what I think it's about. I like to spend at least 4 sentences (usually more; I can get carried away!) of a review going over this, since I know it can be really helpful to hear how other people interpret your own piece.

Interpretation - the narrator, William, seems to have conflicting feelings about his father. It sounds like his father is often absent from home and doesn't really give William the attention he wants. I get this from the lines that talk about his "dear father" always being at the circus, about not wanting to bother his busy father, and about wanting to be good enough to make his father pay attention and be proud. It seems like despite the fact that William misses his father and feels forgotten, he still really respects and loves him. William talks a lot about how his father "brings joy to others" and wanting to be "as good as him". And then, of course, he just outright talks about how much he loves his father. Overall, the theme of this song seems to be about dysfunctional family relationships and how putting more into your side of a relationship - and not getting the same kind of love and affection back from the other person - can be really draining and unhealthy.

Next I'm going to take a look at what I liked and didn't like so much! I try to be as specific as possible - point out my favourite lines or phrases - so that the writer knows exactly what to do the same next time and what to do differently.

Favourite stuff - You do a great job of giving the narrator, William, a very specific voice. The way he talks and the language he uses sounds like that of a young boy. Instead of using big, fancy or technical words (which wouldn't suit the subject or the speaker very well!), you've stuck to using common, personal sounding language. This comes across in simple phrases like "What's wrong?" "What am I saying?" "How can I be like you?"

This actually leads me to my next point! I noticed you used a lot of question phrases in this song. The song is addressed at William's father, and so William is asking his father a lot of questions over the course of the song. This makes me, the reader, see how obsessed with his father William is, and it also shows that William is at a bit of a loss - he doesn't know what he's doing wrong to make his father ignore him, and he doesn't know what to do differently to change things.

Things that can be worked on! - I noticed that there is quite a bit of repetition in this song. Some of it is repeating lines word for word - "I love you, dear father! (I really do) / Your circus, so big and beautiful! (It certainly is)" and some of it is repeating ideas - for example, the idea of William's father being at the circus. Repetition definitely has a role to play in songs; if you have a chorus, for example, it will be repeated several times. So that in itself is not necessarily a good or bad thing! I would've liked, though, if instead of just repeating the exact same thing, you expanded on those ideas in new ways each time they appeared in the song! That makes the repetition more engaging and meaningful for the reader.

Overall, this was definitely an emotional song and the reader/listener feels a lot of sympathy for William. I hope this review proves useful for ya! Let me know if there's anything you'd like me to elaborate on!

Best,
Seirre

Hi Vampricone I'm going to review this using the Review Critique Sandwich this is what I've found the most effective reviewing method to be. I hope it gives you some specific feedback on your work.

Overall Thoughts - Top Bun

Specific Improvements - Meat of Sandwich

I love you,dear father! (I really do)

Your circus,so big and beautiful! (It certainly is)

Bottom bun - Areas of Specific Praise

Should I try harder?

How can I be like you?

Teach me,teach me everything!

Please..I love you..

Please?

That’s all I ever ask..

Closing