Young Writers Society

Hey vampricone!I write a fair bit of lyrics, so was happy to see you had written some - let's get to it! I'm participating in the Review Quality Contest which uses the Review Sandwich a super great way to review, so that's how I'll be formatting this review today.

Top Bun - Praise!

I think it's amazing that you have such an extensive world of connections within these characters with the different images, interconnected stories, and lyrics - that has to be a lot of work and attention to detail to keep track of. It might be a great idea to create some sort of way that readers can keep track of the connections too - like maybe linking back to some of the characters that you mention and where their stories / descriptions come from.

In this song you did a great job setting up the premise of what was going on right away with the title and the complaint / lament "why do I have to go / it's not like there's anything interesting". One trick in lyrics is that there's very little space to create an impression and narrative so using each word and phrase to build up that picture is really important. To that end, I thought the opening and the lines "So why do I feel the leader’s eyes follow me?
The lead master, it’s like he has something dark and lost in his eyes." really built up that main premise you begin with.

Along with the boredom the character seems to have for the circus you imply that maybe something more sinister is going on with the mention of "lost in his eyes" / "dark past" / "a problem" - we don't get to hear exactly what the problem is, but you give us just a taste of conflict which makes me intrigued as a reader to know "what is the dark secret?" - setting up questions that you don't answer completely can be a good way to engage the reader's imagination.

Meat - Suggestions!

Starting out with just a quick grammar note - > I mentioned in my last review, but in conventional grammar a person usually puts a space after every piece of punctuation. So when you have a comma (,) put a space after it in the sentence. Also I see that you use a lot of ellipses (...) to add a little drama or pause - typically a person just puts three periods in a row and then a space after them - no need to make them trail into the next line.

I might edit the last three lines punctuation like this:

There’s no way anyone here has a dark past...
I’ve been watching too many movies...
Yeah, too many movies, that’s what it is.

The benefit to using these conventional punctuation methods is I think readers will immediately read your piece as more polished and it will also make sure the punctuation doesn't distract from the content.

I mentioned earlier that in lyrics it's important to have a clear theme / direction. You set out a direction in the first couple lines of "I don't want to go to the circus / something creepy is happening here" - most of what you've written goes with that theme, however I'm not sure this portion does "I mean,my sister likes the circus,so I go.
But I’m not Melinda (my sister)
I’m Samuel and these are my thoughts:"

I'd elminate that portion since while it might be contextually relevant it doesn't really contribute to the main premise you've established.

Another suggestion - I'd love to see you incorporate a little more rhyme and assonance in this to make it flow a bit more musically. I think you could also maybe use another verse as right now it's quite chorus heavy.

Lastly I think this song would be taken up to the next level with just a little more specific circus imagery - rather than talking in general about the trapeze artists and circus, paint the reader a picture (like you do with the circus leader's eyes!) this will make the scene stick in the reader's minds even more!

Bottom Bun - Overall, Closing Thoughts

Overall the song left many more questions for me than it answered! I think that's what you were going for though! It's not what I was expecting from the title, but sets up this interesting sinister sounding secret of what's behind the circus in a way that keeps me wondering even after finishing the read.

Hope this was helpful! Have a great day and Happy Review Month!

alliyah

Good Morning/Afternoon/Evening/Night(whichever one it is in your part of the world),

Hi! I'm here to leave a quick review!!

Anyway let's get right to it,

Why do I have to go?

It’s not like there’s anything interesting.

It’s the same thing,every day.All these clowns and ringmasters.

Trapeze artists,not like anything happens.

I mean,my sister likes the circus,so I go.

But I’m not Melinda (my sister)

I’m Samuel and these are my thoughts:

I don’t like the circus,is there a problem?

Why do I have to go?

It’s not like there’s anything interesting.

It’s the same thing,every day.All these clowns and ringmasters.

Trapeze artists,not like anything happens.

I mean,my sister likes the circus,so I go.

But I’m not Melinda (my sister)

I’m Samuel and these are my thoughts:

I don’t like the circus,is there a problem?

Why do I have to go?

It’s not like there’s anything interesting.

It’s the same thing,every day.All these clowns and ringmasters.

Trapeze artists,not like anything happens.

I mean,my sister likes the circus,so I go.

But I’m not Melinda (my sister)

I’m Samuel and these are my thoughts:

I don’t like the circus,is there a problem?

So why do I feel the leader’s eyes follow me?

The lead master,it’s like he has something dark and lost in his eyes.

What is underneath those eyes?

Why does he look like he holds a dark past?

Maybe I’m overthinking it,it’s just a circus,after all.

Made for fun and laughs.

There’s no way anyone here has a dark past..

…I’ve been watching too many movies..

..Yeah,too many movies,that’s what it is..

Okay well I'll start by saying I am not the best when it comes to reviewing lyrics here because I don't write those too often but on that note I will try and give my impressions on this piece here. I do remember reading about this character earlier so I have an idea where they happen to be coming from here and I think I understand what exactly this is all referring to here.

The first thing immediately notice and love about this piece is the repetition of why do I have to go. I think it does a wonderful job of highlighting what this whole thing is about here and brings across a sense of helplessness and inevitability to the situation that I love as it really works well with the other images you use here.

Speaking of the images I like how it goes from sort of a more generic idea of a circus to the slightly darker sounding aspects that make this from someone just not interested in the circus to someone genuinely afraid of what might happen to them inside it. Its a powerful little piece that you've got here.

Aaaaand that's it for this one.

As always remember to take what you think was helpful and forget the rest.

Stay Safe
Harry