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Until the end.

by vagrant


"Until the end"

When the going gets tough,

And the days get rough,

I want to see you.

I want to see you.

.

.

When the wind gets cold,

And we grow old,

I want to hold you tight.

I want to hold you tight.

.

.

Oh, when the lights go down,

And sun goes to sleep,

I want to be with you.

I want to be with you.

.

.

When the stars disappear,

And the sun comes out,

I want to feel you.

I want to feel you.

.

.

When I sleep,

I want to dream of you.

When I die,

I want to die with you.

When I am alive,

I want to live with you.

Just want to live with you...

.

.

Until the breath leaves my lungs,

Until my soul goes away,

Until my heart forgets to beat,

I want to stay with you.

I want to stay with you.

.

.

Just come to me,

And hold my hand.

You were made for me,

It was never in the plan.

I just want you.

I just need you.

.

.

Oh, I want to kiss your head,

I want to taste your soul.

I want to drink up all your fears.

I want to shield you from the world,

In my arms.

In my arms...

.

.

I want to love you until the end of the line.

I want to hold you until the end of the line.

I just want to stay with you...until the end of the line.

Oh, I want to be with you,

Until the end... of the line.


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305 Reviews


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Sun Jan 27, 2019 3:51 pm
Liberty wrote a review...



Hi vagrant!

Liberty500 is here to drop of a review for you! :wink:

Lets get straight to it.

In the beginning I really thought that this was going to be an actual poem, not like someone made a song. But! I really really like it. The way you expressed how badly you wanted to be with your dear person. Good job on the expressing!

Then, when I noticed all the ellipsis it got very un-lyrical. To me. I don't know about everyone else. But to me, all the ellipsis didn't fit in very well.

Anyways, this was great! :)

Keep on writing!

~Liberty500




vagrant says...


Thanks for the review! I know it might not sound exactly like lyrics but the thing was written originally as lyrics and then I took some things out added some more and gave it a poem like structure. Maybe the structure is new to you or it is unconventional but this was 100% intended to be that way.
Anyway thanks for the review!!



Liberty says...


Oh okay! :)



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479 Reviews


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Mon Jan 07, 2019 11:37 pm
Holysocks wrote a review...



Hey there! I thought I'd stop by to give you my thoughts on your work.

I could definitely tell that these were lyrics- I came in just thinking it was poetry, I hadn't noticed the other tags, so it wasn't until after I read it that I looked and sure enough! Lyrics! That's really cool to me- I guess maybe it's the repetition or something, but it's just very cool how there is something that distinguishes poetry from lyrics that you can tell just from reading them. Or at least, with some.

So one thing I noticed was that you started out with a sort of rhyme scheme, and then that completely dropped off in the third stanza. I feel it's important that if a poem or song starts off with rhyming, that that carries out throughout the rest of the piece- otherwise it just looks like someone got tired of finding things that rhymed, and decided not to do it anymore. Rhyming IS super hard though! That's why I tend to prefer to write poetry as free verse. It's hard enough to say what you want to say poetically, without trying to worry about rhyming! So my advice to you is to simply do away with the rhyming in this.

Until my heart forgets to beat,


I really liked this line. Instead of saying "until my heart stops beating" you got creative, you thought outside the box, you got super poetic! My advice is to try and do more lines like this. Think of different ways to say things that make people think, and make people wonder. Try to use interesting words that maybe don't get used very often. Try to use examples that no one's every heard of or thought of before.

I want to taste your soul.


This line doesn't really sit right with me? What does it mean to taste someone's soul? It sounds kinda odd and a little scary! Maybe that's just me, but I thought it was worth pointing out in case you hadn't thought about it!

In any case, I think you have some lovely lyrics here! ^_^ I hope to see many more from you in the future! Awesome job! C:

-Holysocks




vagrant says...


Hey glad you liked it! Well yes the rhyming scheme was intentional. I usually write free verse but sometimes just slip in some stanzas that rhyme. And that was exactly the case with this one. And to taste someone's soul basically means, that 'I wanna know you, I wanna take a taste of what you like, what makes you yourself'



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Mon Jan 07, 2019 11:34 am
DoubleRiders wrote a review...



+
M

Hey there vagrant!

Selina from DoubleRiders here to review some of your work. Okay so first off, I thought this poem was quite beautiful. It actually seemed more like a song than a poem but that’s okay because it can work as both!

So I am not the greatest at picking up details in revising but I’ll give it a shot. The one thing I noticed was that in the first two stanzas the lines rhymed, and after that they didn’t. It’s not a problem but it kind of made me feel as if you started and then got bored. Just my thoughts; could be just me. Other than that I loved the picture. Nice job <3

~ DoubleRiders~




vagrant says...


Glad you liked it! The rhyming scheme was intended to be that way. My writing style is free verse but sometimes I incorporate rhyming in some stanzas so that's the reason..




Beware of advice—even this.
— Carl Sandburg