The first time I saw you,
I just fell in love with you,
I mean, how couldn’t I?
It was so conspicuous,
You were the one I’d been looking for my whole life,
Your smile, your eyes, your craziness,
Everything about you is just so magical,
And then, precisely at that instant you looked upon me,
And smiled…,
I virtually passed out.
That day was the day my heart whispered,
“She’s the one!”
And then our gradual friendship began,
It was such a roller coaster ride,
We had our ups and downs,
And my countless efforts to win you over
I may not be the prince charming of your life
But one thing I know for sure,
Is that you are the moon of my galaxy,
The music of my thoughts
The inspiration of my designs
And the magic of my artifices
I always said I had a crush,
Somebody I relished with my full heart in my life,
But never told anyone
And then one day I was trapped in an awkward situation,
When you asked me to tell you the name of my crush,
But how could I?
I clearly didn’t have the guts to,
So I didn’t
I resisted for days
But at the end I told you,
I let my heart’s inner feelings to fly out and reach out to you,
I was afraid
Afraid that you would never talk to me again,
Would never want to see me again,
Would never want me to call you a friend,
Patiently I waited, waited for what you had to say,
After a few minutes you replied,
And to my surprise you took it quite normally,
I was startled,
I was happy,
I’d finally done what no one would ever even think of,
But then I realized,
That in an endeavour to do something brave
And unconventional,
I’d done something I should never have done,
Telling it to you became the biggest mistake of my life,
For our relationship ended there and then,
Not for me of course,
But for you it did,
No matter how much you pretend that you don’t care,
Deep inside your heart, you don’t have a place for me,
I know, because I understand you,
Because I love you
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Canary word: Present
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125,029 Literary Works • 672,775 Reviews
Oh my gosh. That was so good. I loved the rollercoaster feel, the anticipation, and how quickly it changed. Reading this poem was like seeing the sky change from blue to cloudy in a matter of minutes. The speaker's realization at the end was so sudden, and so heartbreaking. You managed to have a surprising ending for a love poem. It wasn't "oh she loves me I'm happy" but it wasn't "oh she doesn't love me she hates me". The speaker's crush accepted their feelings and then terminated the relationship. So simple, and cold. I love it.
Thanks a lot for taking the time to read it!
Also, this one is the first-ever work I published here on YWS so thanks for making the effort to view my portfolio! Means a lot
Radrook here a once again to offer some suggestions.
Apologies if i offend. It isn’t my intention.
Please feel full free to cast aside all things you deem not helpful.
But if you do be sure its true by being extra careful.
That having been said:
Thanks for sharing this poem concerning finding someone believed to have been special and then losing that person because the person finds out about a crush. I guess that we all create a mental image of the person we admire and sometimes the image and the reality just don’t mesh. Obviously the person who was disillusioned believed he was the only one in the other person's life. When he found out otherwise, narturally he felt betrayed. That is an understandable reaction to feeling betrayed and lends the poem credibility.
What I liked
I like how the story has a clear beginning middle and an end.
How it uses repetition of words to add a dramatic touch by adding a dramatic pause as if the speaker is agonizing over the description of the personal disaster..
. . . .afraid...afraid
. . . .would never-would never
This helps to provide it with a painful, wistful mood appropriate to the longing feeling that the speaker tells us he has. It resembles a dirge over the death of someone. But in this case it is over the death of a relationship. As if he realizes that due to his own fault something precious has been lost which can never be recovered. As a reader I could definitely identify with both the situation and the feeling of culpability and futility and that made the reading for me very significant.
I did wondered what was meant by "craziness" that was part of the attraction. I imagined it to be a certain bravado or vivaciously adventurous attitude that some persons display.
Suggestion
I could often not tell when a sentence had ended and another had begun. So I had to stop and backtrack.
There are two reasons why this happened:
1. Capitalization of the first letter of every new line.
2. Using commas where periods are needed.
Repetition
Less use of the word “heart” would be good.
. . . .my heart whispered,
. . . .relished with my full heart
Deep inside your heart, . . . .
my heart’s inner feelings . . . .
Since galaxies aren't known to harbor only one moon, I felt that adding the word "only"" might be a good idea in this case.
moon of my galaxy,
[only moon in my galaxy]
Word economy:
I just fell in love with you,
[I just fell in love.]
Punctuation suggestions
I just fell in love with you[.]
You were the one I’d been looking for my whole life[.]
Everything about you is just so magical[.]
And my countless efforts to win you over[.]
The music of my thoughts[,]
And the magic of my artifices[.]
But never told anyone[.]
When you asked me to tell you the name of my crush[.]
I was afraid[,]
Would never want me to call you a friend[.]
So I didn’t[,]
But at the end I told you[.]
I let my heart’s inner feelings to fly out and reach out to you[.]
And to my surprise you took it quite normally[.]
I’d finally done what no one would ever even think of[.]
But for you it did[.]
No matter how much you pretend that you don’t care[.]
Deep inside your heart, you don’t have a place for me[.]
Because I love you[.]
--
All in all a very fascinating read. Looking forward to reading more of your poetry.
Hi, a big thanks for all those suggestions. I will definitely keep them in mind while writing my next writings. I loved how you described my work. I could never have imagined that my poem could be liked by someone in this way. Thanks again!
You poem was amazing.It went so smooth in words and was eager to read what's next,It was like,Hey girl don't you see his love.You totally pulled me in by these lines:
"It was such a roller coaster ride,
We had our ups and downs,
And my countless efforts to win you over
I may not be the prince charming of your life
But one thing I know for sure,
Is that you are the moon of my galaxy,
The music of my thoughts
The inspiration of my designs
And the magic of my artifices"
The poem is well written,that the words itself paints the feelings the speaker has for her.
These lines brought almost tears to me:
"No matter how much you pretend that you don’t care,
Deep inside your heart, you don’t have a place for me,
I know, because I understand you,
Because I love you"
such a love and a poem of yours rare to find.Keep up the work.It's awesome.
Omg thank you so much for your appreciation and sparing time to write me a review. I really appreciate it and I hope that you will read my next writings as well. Thanks again!
You're welcome. I'll read, looking forward for more of your awesome writings.
Hey vagrant! I hope you don't mind if I write you a review. And welcome to YWS!
Your poem was a very touching story to me... Correct me if I'm wrong, but about young and unrequited love?
I really liked that you wrote it in such a way that the ending was actually unexpected. It seemed like it would all work out, the recipient of the "crush" would like them back, but it seemed to them that she/he did not have the same feelings.
This was my favorite line/part of your poem. You can really feel what they feel through this, they love the person and know them enough to know that they could never reciprocate.
Overall impression is that you have a well-written poem about unrequited feelings of love. My suggestion is that you could have written more lines about WHY this person fell in love so quickly and easily. Love at first sight is not unrealistic, but very over used and cliche at times. And from the friendship, how was their bond formed to the degree that he/she was certain that it was love?
Overall you have a very well-written poem. I hope to read more of your work soon!
Keep Writing,
-Katja
Hi, thanks for writing that review. I really appreciate it. Also yes, it was about young and quite unrequited story. I will definitely work on all those suggestions and yeah, a big thanks for liking my work as well!