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by vagrant

Genre - Romantic and Lyrical

Description - A one-sided lover questions his beloved for all that could be...

Why would I want to live without you?

You are my life,

You are my soul.

You're the reason that I have been existing for...all this time.

Why would I not fall in love with you?

You are so beautiful too.

You're the angel that can transform my life.

Why should not I think about you?

You are too perfect to be true.

You're the one that completes me in all respects.

Why cannot you and I be together?

The heights of our bond,

And the depths of our love could be unimagined...

You're the one who makes me happy.

Why would I want to live without you?

You are my heart.

You are my love.

You are my happiness.

You are my smile.

You are my everyone,

And well, you are my everything.

You're the one who makes me believe in life,

One who makes me myself.

How can I not be with you?

How can you not be with me?

It's written in our destiny,

I mean, why wouldn't it be?

Is this a review?



User avatar
1227 Reviews

Points: 144550
Reviews: 1227

Sun Aug 26, 2018 9:38 pm
alliyah wrote a review...

Hey there vagrant, I'm here to review!

So I think you've got some good techniques in punctuation and line breaks, the poem read fairly smoothly. But I think at this point the content is fairly unoriginal. In fact I did a quick search of a few of the lines in the poem and it turns out there's a song that expresses all the same things, even with some of the same lines: https://www.azlyrics.com/lyrics/leannri ... ilive.html

The problem with content being sort of unoriginal is that it often ends up feeling cliche. A way to make a poem more unique is to add specificity. By that I mean, describe the person the speaker is in love with, what do they look like, why do they like them, how did they meet? Literally any specific detail will ground the poem and give opportunity for people to connect with it.

I wrote a little article on specificity if you want more advice on how to incorporate that in your poem: Specificity in Poetry.

Some other things you could add to give your poem some depth and make it more memorable would be to use some poetic sound-devices like assonance, consonance, or alliteration or you could even use some metaphors too. These sorts of things make a poem more dynamic and lyrical sounding.

I hope that helps! Best of luck in your continued writing!



User avatar
12 Reviews

Points: 674
Reviews: 12

Fri Aug 24, 2018 12:44 pm
slurringsugars wrote a review...

Hello, I'm Jess.

I think that this piece is really pretty, and shows the basis of what love is, even if it's one-sided questions being pondered. It's interesting that you chose to pick this side, and these questions. I also enjoy that you answered some of the questions from the character's mind. Like they were rhetorical.

The only thing I kinda questioned was this line,

"You're like that angel that can transform my life."

I would say that to me it sounds like it doesn't fit with the poem. If you switched it to You are the angel, I think it'd sound better, but that's just an opinion.

Otherwise, it's really good and can't wait to hear some more!

Sincerely, Slurringsugars

vagrant says...

Thanks for the wonderful response!
And yes I do also feel that line could be more apt, now that you have pointed it out. And so, I will be doing the needful.
Thanks for the suggestion and review once again!

User avatar
7 Reviews

Points: 395
Reviews: 7

Fri Aug 24, 2018 12:20 pm
jamalkadiorovna wrote a review...

Hi, I really like your idea of a lover professing his unrequited love in a wishful thinking poem-like thing and it's sweet. I like the way you write and the only thing I think I can remark upon is that perhaps you'd consider trying to use your own descriptions. It can easily fall into a cliché so maybe change a few of the descriptive words to more quirky and personal, that matches the person you're describing and the person talking. Otherwise I really liked it! :)
Jamalka Diorovna

vagrant says...

Thanks for that review and glad you enjoyed my work!
Yes, I also agree with you on the word choice, but the reason for that is that this poem is romantic as well as 'lyrical' and usually we don't overcomplicate the lyrics, and that's the reason that the poem had a simple language. But still, if it sounded repetitive or unoriginal, sorry for that :D
Thank you so much again, for the suggestions and review!

I like nonsense, it wakes up the brain cells. Fantasy is a necessary ingredient in living, it's a way of looking at life through the wrong end of a telescope. Which is what I do, and that enables you to laugh at life's realities.
— Dr. Seuss