In the painful
aftermath of your departure from earth,
I wonder to
myself if I have your permission to grieve --
To allow the
unfamiliar sensation of sadness to swallow me whole,
To wrestle
with the feelings of anger and disappointment that threaten to consume me,
To allow
myself the pleasure of self-pity if only for a few moments of relief.
In the years since
I last felt the tenderness of your gentle caress,
I wonder to
myself if I have permission to forget --
To indulge in
the erasure of memories that trick me into believing you are still here,
To give way
for someone new to fill the void that you carved in my chest,
To fall victim
to the culpability that accompanies a happy life without you.
Do I have your
permission
To become
whole again?
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140,866 Literary Works • 673,696 Reviews
Hi!
Okay so first let's talk about structure:
My first suggestion is regarding the length of each line. You should keep each line as concise as you possibly can, and cut out unnecessary phrases. This does three things; firstly, it enhances the clarity of the poem, secondly, readers often tend to lose interest in the poem if they are not concise, and thirdly, cutting down words helps you set a better rhythm. For example, in;
I would cut out the 'to myself' and replace 'if' by 'whether'.
I also think the line
is very long and should be cut down. The "if only for a few moments of relief" doesn't fit in right and also messes up the rhythm. You should also change the 'myself' to 'me' since that is the preferred pronoun form and also gives the line a better flow.
The line
should also be edited to form a more concise, rhythmic structure.
So basically, just try to cut down the length of each line and add rhythm to it.
I would suggest looking up some resources that would help you with rhythm and structure. Poetry Foundation has a pretty good article on it, so look it up if you want to,
I don't have any other recommendations. Overall, I would say that this is a really good blueprint for a wonderful poem, and just needs some structural correction. I hope you find this review helpful.
Have a great day/night!
And Happy New Year!
Thanks so much for your review! Wordiness/varying sentence structure is definitely an aspect of poetry and writing that I'll be working on. I'll definitely take a look at the PF article you mentioned.
I'm sorry I forgot to check the ' is this a review', so I had to paste that into another text bubble.oops!
**My Thoughts**
I really liked this poem! I loved the plot and I can tell you put a lot of time into making this poem (or you are good at writing them quickly).
**Formatting/Grammar**
The formatting was great. It was very easy to read and you made the first two stanzas nearly equal in length. I noticed that you didn't rhyme. I am used to poems that rhyme, but you wrote it so well without rhyming. It was great!
**Punctuation**
I didn't catch any mistakes in your punctuation. It was really nice that you did use punctuation (besides commas), because some people don't use it.
**Quick Review**
Formatting was great. I noticed you didn't rhyme. The punctuation was great.
Have a Happy New Year!
Thanks so much for your review!! That actually means a lot to me because I'm always self conscious about publishing any of my work..
Happy New Year to you too!!