A/N: This was written for an assignment for my creative writing class. The prompt was to write about myself from the perspective of a commonplace item in my household and focus heavily on personification. All feedback is welcome <3
As another frigid Monday morning arrives,
she is lost amongst the flurry of activity
that signals to me
the start of a fresh, hellish week.
I am her escape;
I am an unquestioning companion that she confides in
when the tumult of the real world
threatens to swallow her whole.
As her deft fingers float across my ivory keys,
she is lost in a trance of melodies and tunes;
endlessly,
ceaselessly,
and with the utmost sense of duty,
I welcome the responsibility
of lulling her into a quiet serenity.
Now, as she rebels against the haze
of hurried conversations
and frenzied movements,
she gazes at me with a mix
of adoration and desperation;
I am her escape –
I am her savior.
Points:
Time spent:
IP address:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
Are you sure you want to delete this comment? This cannot be undone.
Mark this comment as a review? Points will be awarded to the poster.
Your comment was posted, but it wasn’t long enough to count as a review. Reviews need about four complete sentences (at least 250 characters). Try writing another review that explains your thoughts in more detail — the author will appreciate it, and you’ll earn points for it.
139,792 Literary Works • 672,769 Reviews
WOW.
You really have a clarity of thought and great ideas. Its a healing/comforting poem. The following lines are the ones I liked the most:
A really good piece of writing! Its quite hard to think from a different perspective, but you did it effortlessly. I loved reading each and every line.
"I am an unquestioning companion that she confides in
when the tumult of the real world
threatens to swallow her whole"
Looking forward to read more of your works. Keep writing!
Best wishes,
I
Hey.
This piece of writing made me stop and think about my own life. I happen to have a similar relationship with my guitar and the other musical instruments that I own; I hope to have one with the piano too, one day, as it happens to be the instrument I admire the most.
Looking at it written this way makes me wonder how the life of this instrument would be.
I would like to point out, however, that music is not just an escape but a passion as well. It is the soft caress of mother that takes you away from worries. It is the shoulder of a sister who lets you vent your desperation out. It is the crazed hug of a friend when you excel at something and burst with happiness.
I feel that, although this poem is very well written in the particular context taken, it could focus on how music is the way through which your soul lives. As you would have surely noticed, you tend to play the notes which echo your emotion, whatever that emotion may be. It is not just an escape but a true companion, which could help you feel any emotion in the world through those ivory keys.
If you want you can expand this poem to include the above mentioned feel, although it is perfectly well-written the way it is if you want to keep it focused to this very emotion.
I would also like to state that I found this poem to contain absolutely no errors at all- no errors in language, clarity, expression, grammar, punctuation... This was one of the most well-phrased poems I have read in a while.
Hope to see more from you.
Thanks so much for your review, I appreciate you taking the time to offer such thoughtful suggestions and insight <3
This poem is a great representation of how instruments can transport the user into the music. The personification aspect of the poem was well-done. Upon reading this poem, the reader becomes part of the author. Your description of how someone feels when they play music in the poem is clear. You did an overall great job on transporting the readers into your mind.
Thank you for your kind words <3 I'm glad that I was able to convey the emotions and the overall scene I was imagining to my readers!
Hey! It's Mahvash here. I hope you are doing fine.
It's a good piece of writing.
I hope to see more poems like this one.
So let's talk about this poem.
First, I would love to congratulate you on nailing the personification part perfectly. The relation between the piano and its player is described in the best way. I got the feels of a mother from this piano
However, there is this one suggestion about the ending. You have already used "I am her escape" in the starting lines. You could use something else in the end, maybe something related to comfort or home in order to avoid repetition. It's just a suggestion. But trust me, this poem is really good. i enjoyed reading it. Good luck!
Hi Mahvash, thank you so much for your review! I'll take your suggestions into consideration when I go back and revise; I'm glad you enjoyed reading it!
As easy as it sounds to make an inanimate object have thoughts and a personality, its really not. You have to find what the object may sound like or think like so it doesn't sound so forced. You have to use an attitude that fits with the object. And you did that wonderfully, when I think of an instrument being a human I see a kind, soft person that loves to help people feel better and sooth them of there problems and stress. Your idea of your piano being there for you when you need to be lost in a stream of music is incredible and by the end of it I could see the piano with a smile as you played the keys and made a beautiful story with the notes.
Thank you so much for your review, I'm glad you liked it!!
Hello tgham99!
Suggestions
First I would suggest putting these lines together. The break between them feels almost unnecessary to me and interrupts the good flow of the poem you established in earlier lines. I would change it to "endlessly and ceaselessly / with the utmost sense of duty"
Secondly, I would check into what type of dash you would like to use here. To me, it looks like you just used a hyphen, but that is not what you want here. I would look up the difference between an em dash and a en dash and figure out which one should be placed here. If my memory is correct it should be an em dash as it is most commonly used in poetry, but I am not 100% on this. I do love the powerful ending of this and how "I am her savior" really resonates with the reader at the end. Well done here.
Lastly, I would see how this sentence sounds without the "Now" in front of it. Read the 2 or 3 lines above it, and then read this sentence without the "now." This is strictly a preference thing, but personally not having the "now" in there with the pause to break up the line, it creates a stronger ending for me. Again, just a personal preference thing and I would check it out.
Overall
Overall I really enjoyed your poem and the personification within the poem was amazing. It didn't falter and there was no confusion. The simple title gives us the point of view the poem is in which is great. Some may have started with a description of the piano, but you dove right in, and I really like that. Again, really well done taking this from a prompt. Personally, I suck at prompt writing, so I am impressed.
Happy Writing!
SBG
Thank you so much for your feedback! Very helpful review and I appreciate the time you took to look into my piece <3
No Problem! If you ever need someone to check out a work, I will look at almost any work of poetry. I cannot promise how helpful I am with novels and short stories :/ but just ping me (@Softballgirl333) and I will look at it
This has peaked my interest, but for now I do not have enough time to review, but you can expect one in a few hours.