Our silences were always quickly followed by animate, continuous chatter coming from the computer.
His lips turn upwards and he lets out a big, joyful laugh, as if to thank whoever was up there for the distraction away from the sound of clinking of when the spoon hits the plate and the loud silence of our mouths chewing food.
I’ve always wondered what conversations could have taken
place in between the fake interest of whatever the tv host was excitedly
promoting. Maybe it would have been so insignificant that to him, it would be
of equal importance to him as whatever meals he had five, ten, fifteen years
ago. But it would’ve been better than this.
Words, were to him, similar to the way the snake would unravel itself from the
branch and soundlessly inch closer to its prey. It was unpredictable and silent
in its killing.
Maybe, unknowingly, he made me the victim in front of the snake that is not
there. Unable to move from the place I am in, shaking from fear of the doubt
that runs through me.
When I was little, I wished that the snake was poisonous so even if with each breath, I would feel the poison becoming who I was and wrapping it’s cold, merciless hands around me, I would have been better off than standing at the same spot I have always been in.
Now, I just wish we would talk more.
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140,959 Literary Works • 673,782 Reviews
Hello summer!
You have the beginnings of something really good here. I can tell there is a story worth tell here, a feeling worth feeling. You have good images, and your voice is shining through. Now I think you just need to clear up your language a bit. You need to decide if the way you're saying something is the clearest, most efficient way to say it. Be stingy and thoughtful with your words.
I could sort of understand what was happening in this, but it was like seeing through a gauzy veil. I wasn't sure exactly what you were saying most of the time. For example:
There's a lot in this sentence. There's a lot of words that are coming at us. When I first read this, I got caught on the "in between" part, because I was imagining that the tv host was having a conversation with someone, aka "a conversation between the the tv host and the contestant" or whatever. Then I reread it and realized that you meant in between the show. But can you really have something in between one singular thing? Perhaps you could have conversations during the commercials, but not between the show itself.
It's these little tiny things that make it just a bit hard to read through this and understand it all. I say, take every line, read it out loud, and really think about it. Really think. Determine if you're saying what you need to in the clearest possible manner. Think about if you could remove things that are redundant. Think about if the poetic devices really work, if they really make sense.
And then I think you'll move from a good poem to an excellent one.
If you need any help with this after you've done what I've suggested, I would be happy to help. Likewise, if you have any questions, feel free to ask.
Great work! Keep it up, and keep writing!
~fortis
Introduction:
Hey there, Summer! I love this piece and I can't wait to add my voice to the discussion. Due to its short nature, I'll be keeping this short-and-sweet, if you don't mind. My comments will mostly be about phrasing and word choice.
Ready? Set? Go!
Content:
Well, let's get right into it.
I love this line--it's intriguing, evocative, beautifully written... everything I love in a beginning. The one word I have issue with here is "continuous". It seems to mix up the reader's sense of time and place and is, overall, quite awkward here. I'd remove it altogether for a stronger, more powerful first sentence.
"Loud silence" is beautiful and speaks to your nature as a writer. You stay away from flowery, cluttered descriptions, instead taking concepts we've already aware of ("loudness" and "silence") and sharply contrasting them, somehow giving us a simpler and more beautiful image than any description could.
I just want to touch on "our mouths chewing food". I'd replace that with a simpler wording, like "our chewing" or "the kneading of our jaws", etc. Something more evocative and less confusing.
I do like this idea of lost time--not just because it adds to your story, but because it adds to the cultural dialogue as well. What conversations have /we/, as readers, missed because of our constant stream of information from our technology? You're starting a serious social dialogue with a few words, and I love that.
I love this metaphor, but I wish you would elaborate on it. Try to connect it to an experience in the narrator's life--for instance, when he/she was three and playing in the park when a boa constrictor lurched out from behind the swings...
This is a powerful ending to a powerful piece. I won't pretend to know what the context of the piece is, but I will say that this was amazing, and I'm sorry I couldn't read more.
Three Things to Think About:
1. Clarity. Having a beta reader can help you in so many ways, the first being that they can help you find small continuity errors--I spotted one in these paragraphs, although it wasn't important. They can also help you explain your metaphors more clearly.
2. Elaborate, but on the things that matter. Connections are key when making strong metaphors. Use a metaphor to tell us more about the setting, the narrator, people in the narrator's life... anything.
3. And, finally, write. When you write regularly, you not only start to feel better about your writing, but about yourself as a writer. It can help you explore the most fantastical of plots... or the deepest of emotions. Make yourself write, and soon the words will just come tumbling out. It's fun, I promise...
The Sign-Off:
Thank you so much for sharing this.
As we say in my hometown, don't forget to be awesome.
Hi there!
So, I get the idea of this poem. Your relationship with this guy is diminishing, slipping away, and fear is creeping into your heart. I like it when themes like this are conveyed in a vague manner, and you did that well. However, I feel like the overall poem was just too wordy. Such as this sentence:
Maybe it would have been so insignificant that to him, it would be of equal importance to him as whatever meals he had five, ten, fifteen years ago.
You could have said, in a smaller number of words, the same thing. For example, "Maybe it was just as insignificant as the meals he had five, ten, fifteen years ago." And sometimes when poems are too wordy they lose their power, their affect on people. That's what happened in this poem, I think. I found myself skimming, just trying to get the general idea of what you said.
Hope that helped.
Keep writing!
~WritingforHim99
Hi there!
So, I get the idea of this poem. Your relationship with this guy is diminishing, slipping away, and fear is creeping into your heart. I like it when themes like this are conveyed in a vague manner, and you did that well. However, I feel like the overall poem was just too wordy. Such as this sentence:
Maybe it would have been so insignificant that to him, it would be of equal importance to him as whatever meals he had five, ten, fifteen years ago.
You could have said, in a smaller number of words, the same thing. For example, "Maybe it was just as insignificant as the meals he had five, ten, fifteen years ago." And sometimes when poems are too wordy they lose their power, their affect on people. That's what happened in this poem, I think. I found myself skimming, just trying to get the general idea of what you said.
Hope that helped.
Keep writing!
~WritingforHim99
Hellooo, Viv here to do a review.
I just want to start off with this. This is a great poem, somewhat vague but the overall meaning is still known. What I interpret as the narrator has grown apart from the metaphorical snake. I like the way you worded this and the metaphors you used. But there is one this I feel could be reworded.
"...as if to thank whoever is up there for the distraction away from the sound of clinking of when the spoon hits the plate and the loud silence of when our mouths chew the food."
I think this line would flow easier if it was something like "as if to thank whoever is for the distraction from the clinking of spoons hitting plates..."
But still, just a suggestion.
Thanks for sharing. Bye~