I want to hold
you tightly.
My hands would softly dig into your back,
To
make sure no pieces of you slip through my fingers.
I want to kiss
you.
I’m confused and I think too much about things,
But
your lips promise to answer all my questions.
I want to make
you laugh.
The sound of church bells symbolises life’s
purpose to some,
I know I may not get to heaven,
But your
laughter rings louder and more purer than the angels singing,
Those
few seconds are the happiest I’ll ever be,
And that’s
all I can ask for.
I want to explore
places with you.
If you hold my hand, I’ll let you lead me
anyway,
Whether it be Italy or a McDonald's playground.
Whether
this will only last for a few weeks or the rest of our lives,
I
won’t ever regret being with you.
Now I have a
question to ask you,
Will you do these things with me?
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Canary word: Present
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125,027 Literary Works • 672,774 Reviews
Hey buddy... I liked this poem but I didn't felt connected to it while reading. I think the connection between the reader and the poem is most important. Anyways, this poem has potential if edited in a better way. The line could've had been shorter with more depth. It seems more like a sweet proposing letter to soomeone. Doesn't acts much like a poem should.
Good luck, keep writing.
Hi Summerlovee,
This was nice but it doesn't work as a poem for me. It's message is plain and its all very straightforward and upfront. I want poetry to be something which makes me think and feel and walk away being unable to forget the words I've just read. Your poem is lovely, and whoever it might be for would love it, but for the detached reader, it is like a message inside a Valentine's Day card. Generic, common, and easy to understand.
I also think it could be much tighter. There is a lot of fat that could be cut off here, stanzas that could be just one powerful sentence, rather than a collection of similar ideas. The third stanza is the worst for this.
The following:
This would be better phrased as:
And, this:
Could become:
What I'm doing is stripping away the parts where you are spending too long telling us how your are feeling, and not showing us how you are feeling. Poetry, like fiction, is better when the writer shows us, rather than tells us. You want punchy phrases with vivid images, not explanations of everything.
Combining the above, we could then have something like:
Better, no?
Use my advice to shred this apart and really ensure you are keeping it tight and showing, not telling.
Good luck with a redraft!
Hey! Tigerlilly here for a review!
This was such a sweet, romantic poem! You must feel very lucky, and I'm sure your partner is very lucky to have you. I loved the way it came together, and it was just so beautiful.
I think my favorite line would have to be:
Whether it be Italy or a McDonald's playground.
This caught my eye because it occurred to me that some places have a more romantic feel to it, yet still, you would be happy to just be with them.
I really loved this, and I look forward to reading more of your work! Good job!
This is really really really sweet, I must say whoever you wrote this for is very lucky.Such a heartfelt, cute and romantic poem.
)....
Once again amazing work here my friend
Hi, Pink here for a review(:
This is a really nice romantic poem. Gee, if I were your partner, I would be so flustered! It has a nice little moments and cute little sentences. I love the part where you say:
"Whether it be Italy or a McDonald's playground."
That is GOLD man. I love that line. For someone who hasn't really done anything romantic at all, I got a lot of butterflies from reading this. It's really really good!!
I got stuck on one line though:
"But your lips promises to answer all my questions."
Promises should be singular, so it sounds like this...
"But your lips promise to answer all my questions."
I like how you start each stanza with "I want to..." ((except for the last one lol)). It's really nice and emphasized. You have really good skill! This poem was great! Good job(;
-Pink