Young Writers Society

Hello, Steggy here for a short review!

A very nice and description poem that covers mostly what is happening in some people's mind. This doesn't exactly seem like a poem you'd read in a second but instead something you'd see inside of a short story or something. It does have a nice message, though, which I'll get into later. The one thing I want to focus on is the big chunk in the middle of this poem. It does have some nice description to it but it seems a bit too big to actually be within this poem. In my mind, I'm thinking poems are small and sweet and to the point. With this one, however, you seem to take it to the next level and proving your point through bigger paragraphs. Perhaps, you could write that chunk in some stanzas and when you do that, it'll bring a clearer picture of this poem and what you are saying about it.

But it doesn't take long for the thoughts to start circling around and around and around, attaching themselves into every fold and corner of my brain.

Have I finished my assignment?

Does anything else need to be done?

Is my friend angry at me?

Hi there! Just wanted to leave a few thoughts on your poem.

Form & Line Breaks
So, first I wanted to comment on the "prose poem" aspect or formatting of this. I thought you did good using line and paragraph breaks in a way that showed a change in tone. Although I didn't necessarily think you needed quite so many breaks in the beginning. If the lack of breaks are supposed to signify kind of the unhindered flow of the speaker's mind and the lush landscape that surrounds them there is no need for line breaks after the words "mind" or "eyes" -- in fact the transition would be more dramatic in my opinion if there were no line breaks until the change in tone starting with the line "But it doesn't take very long..."

Themes
I liked the themes you were able to portray in this short piece and I think a lot of readers can relate to that liminal space between summer and fall when we're caught between the serenity and chaos of life. I liked how in the first half you used nature descriptions to help your mental depiction of this and I wonder if you could put some nature descriptions in the second half to show some of the chaos that is interrupting the relaxation of the first half.

Flow & Significance
As far as flow I think this piece went pretty well, and that's something that is hard to do with a prose poem where you lack the ability to aid the reader's pace of reading by line breaks. I did think though that the three question you put in seemed a little out of place in their content:

"Have I finished my assignment?

Does anything else need to be done?

Is my friend angry at me? "

Hey there! Shey here for a review!

I'll start this off by commenting on the length of the lines. They're long. Well, not all of them. But a good portion of them are longer than a traditional poem's lines are. Is this a bad thing? No, of course not. However, I feel the need to warn you of the dangers with it. The longer the lines, the harder it is to keep a consistent rhythm. You seem like a skilled poet (I went through your portfolio a bit xD), and thus probably know this, but I feel like it's probably a good call to just mention it anyway.

I really love the meaning behind this poem, because I think just about everyone can relate to it. Definitely the most important lines for delivering the message would be these:

Have I finished my assignment?
Does anything else need to be done?
Is my friend angry at me?

Hello there I am Kostia here for a review.

First of all I want to start by saying that you should label this as something other than poetry since it doesn't meet any qualifications of a poem. You can mark it as "other" it would be more appropriate.

In general i liked this piece, it was very personal and sincere. I really liked your choice of title "Places in my mind" since it is very easy for the reader to relate to due to the fact that we all escape at places in our minds now and then.

Your vocabulary was simple and it fits in quite nicely with the whole piece. However a few suggestions:

"attaching themselves into every fold and corner of my brain. "

Here I would use the word "mind" instead of "brain" since you are talking about thoughts it could be more appropriate to phrase it that way but "brain" is also fine.

You have very strong imagery which is something I enjoyed. I especially liked:

"The fields were stretched out with golden, brown and green squares and rose and fell like waves on a gentle ocean. A soft breeze blew over the hillside and the leaves and flowers danced along with the direction it went. "

Moreover I really liked the last two lines although I would personally change their order to:

"I just want it to be silent.

Never able to go back to the place of serenity again."

and also here instead of "never able" you can say "unable"

In general that wasn't a bad piece it has a good concept and I can detect talent in it. However it seems to me like raw inspiration and it lacks structure.

My suggestion is to read it, reread, expand and then decide what you want to make out of it. It doesn't have to be a poem, this could easily turn to a short story or a prologue with just a little imagination and effort.

I hope I was helpful. If you have any questions do not hesitate.

Keep writing!