The reflection of the moon changing with the tide,
the trees swaying in the gentle breeze,
nature's beauty surrounds us tonight.
I have my arms around you,
protective
wary of the darkness
You turn your head ever so slightly.
I can't help but gasp when the
moonlight magnifies your beauty.
Nervous, I twirl your silky blonde hair
around my finger,
then let them drop
This is the perfect moment
my mouth feels dry
my heart thumping
'Mia'
I whisper
your eyes seek mine
those blue eyes soft
"I-I...lo..
taking a deep breath
I try again
"I..."
You get up, frustrated
meaning to explain
I stand up
lost for words
I slowly brush your shoulder
with my fingertips
you shiver under my touch
"I-I..."
Why won't those words just come out?
Turning your body,
you walk away with your graceful steps
"Don't leave me"
my voice drops to a whisper
controlling my emotions
you stop
"Why do you want me to stay?"
you whisper back
I look into your eyes
and find everything I'm looking for
Why can't I just say it?
Silence fills the cold air
You shoot me a last angry glare
"Lies don't come out that easy"
You walk away
from memories
from me
"I want you to stay because
I love you,
as I always will"
You face me
and we smile
our eyes full of love
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140,552 Literary Works • 673,425 Reviews
Wow.
1. "I want you to stay because
I love you,
as I always will"
You face me
and we smile
our eyes full of love
Okay, so really, I'm so blown away by this that my only objection is the ending. I don't know if this is based off of personal experience or something because your spoiler wouldn't work on my computer :/, but I really, really suggest ending it here:
You shoot me a last angry glare
"Lies don't come out that easy"
That last line is so powerful, so cutting, so amazing and really shows up in relation to all the great descriptions of your characters. The following stanzas, to me, bordered on cheesy. I'm sorry, but I really didn't enjoy the last two stanzas; they had no emotion for me and seemed corny and cliche. I am definitely getting too worked up over this, but I just REALLY REALLY REALLY HIGHLY suggest you cut it off at "Lies don't come out that easy"
Overall rating: 8/10
Keep writing!
+1
wow!!!
jus so spellbound to say anything!
its so beautiful....a real lover's state!
i guess rubber duck had already stated ur mistakes.....
really well writen.
Yes, it's kinda cliché, but in a good way. This is really good work, the only thing I want to say without going to deep into it, is, remember to start each line with a capital letter, it's nothing huge.
And there are some places where the lines doesn't really... work - let's just say that.
But an overall good poem - for a first it's great - even though it's not so poem-ish, more like a short story in a poem "form" - if you can say that.
Just keep writing, and it'll get better, I promise you!
Maybe it's your avatar's influence, but I had an image of a beach and a couple on a hammock while I was reading this.
So, anyway, review time.
The moon reflecting on the calm, still water,
the gentle breeze that trees sway with
Commas between your adjectives. I think you should continue writing a third line for this stanza.
The underlined part sounds lacking. You could reword the first line too, so the second line fits in better.
A suggestion would be:
The reflection of the moon changing with the tide,
the trees swaying in the gentle breeze,
nature's beauty surrounds us tonight.
I have my arms around you,
protective, wary of the darkness.
You turn your head slightly,
I can't help but gasp when the
moonlight carefully caresses your face
The first line doesn't have the delicate, soft tone that the other two lines have.
Suggestion:
You turn your head ever so slightly.
I can't help but gasp when the
moonlight magnifies your beauty.
The last line of the above suggestion should be reworded, if the suggestion for the first stanza is taken into account.
Remember to capitalise your 'I's.
Remember to indicate your pauses with punctuation. Commas and periods would come in handy for this stanza.
This is the perfect moment.
My mouth feels dry,
my heart thumping.
You're repeating the action of her turning her head. And for this dialogue, it should end with a comma.
So,
"Mia,"
I whisper.
Maybe you'd like to reword 'turn your head'?
For eg. 'Your eyes seek mine"
The above shows that she turned around, but without saying it.
Taking a deep breath,
I try again.
You get up, frustrated.
Meaning to explain,
I stand up.
Lost for words,
I slowly brush your shoulder
with my fingertips.
You shiver under my touch.
"Don't leave me."
My voice drops to a whisper.
(Controlling my emotions) << Doesn't fit in.
You stop.
I'd suggest rewording the last line.
Punctuation.
And for the second last line, 'You shoot me one last angry glare,'. Then comes your last line, the dialogue. Put a period at the end of the dialogue. "Lies don't come out that easy."
I understand what you're trying to say, but if I piece this together as a sentence, it becomes, 'You walk away from memories from me.' So, unless you would like to change 'from me' to 'of me' or 'of us', you should reword it.
Period at the end.
Put a comma after 'we smile'.
And period at the end.
This was a sweet poem. For your first one, it's fine. Hope this review helps make your next one better!
Keep writing.
Commenting on punctuation is considered a little tasteless for poetry; just wanted to let you know for the future
.