A home,
It ages.
My eager ten year old self exploring every corner of the new house,
My confused fifteen year old self lying down on my bed and talking to the silent walls,
My twenty year old self always being glad to see the welcoming porch light after whatever the day brought.
A home,
It sings.
In the silence of the night,
I could hear thecreak and groans as it slowly breathed in and out.
In the loudness of the day,
I could hear the wooden floors creating a rhythm and tune using our footsteps.
A home,
It remembers.
I remember jumping on my parent’s bed in the morning and forcing them awake,
I remember racing down the stairs with my brother and always losing,
I remember the living room where some many words were said and left unsaid.
These walls remembered every tear and laughter, words of anger and love, and saw us grow as a family and as individuals.
Today, when people were walking in and out of the rooms,
The sound of their harsh and loud footsteps going up and down the stairs,
Their inquisitive eyes calculated every corner of the house, looking for faults.
A man in a suit assigning a price to the home that I grew up with.
His voice echoed inside the empty living room.
And my home became a house.
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139,794 Literary Works • 672,771 Reviews
Hi there summerlovee. This is Kays here dropping in for a review on this very early Saturday afternoon. I don't think I've reviewed any poetry of yours before and seeing that this is in the Green Room as I review this, I may as well give the piece a shot! Cutting to the chase, let's begin.
The themes and ideas of the poem are quite clear which is a gesture that I can appreciate seeing as that can be important to getting across what is wanted to be gotten across in a piece. That's an element of the poem that I wanted to start off by saying is done well in that there's clarity towards the overall message which is the importance of a home and to be more specific, the importance of this house to the speaker and how their house became a home.
That's fair but if any other element contradicts this or weakens this, I have to say that's the flow. The diction (wording) and punctuation are often what dictate flow and this is crucial because flow dictates the emotional weight behind the lines being written.
With that being said, let's talk about the repetition being used in the poem--my general opinion is that while repetition may be able to work here with editing or revision, the wording is made awkward. Let's look at the first stanza as to an example for this. I'm okay with the point being made that a home ages. I'm not okay with the wording. Reword. 'A home ages' is even stronger than what's already here and that takes out the 'it' in the repetition.
Furthermore, the repetition with 'my' being the starter to the last three lines in the first stanza, I being used three times to start in the second stanza and the other repetitions of that sort make this piece bland. Mix up the wording and make that element more interesting and work with the punctuation to make this more flowing. While I liked the last stanza the poem is held back by the weak diction and use of punctuation even though the ideas are solid but the repetition is weaker and there can be more imagery used. Strengthening the parts that I've mentioned throughout will make this poem even more solid!
If you have any questions, don't be afraid to ask! I hope I helped and have a great day.
Hi Summer! Temptress here to give you probably the worst review you've ever gotten but oh well.
Let's begin.
The first thing that stood out to me was the repetition, and don't take this the wrong way, repetition isn't a bad thing but there are better ways to write without repetition and make your poem more interesting- not that it isn't already. Then again I don't use the method of repetition often so i'm not that familiar and understanding with it. I think your poem is good nonetheless though.
I've also noticed how they're isn't any mistakes and I really like that. To me it shows that you've put forth a lot of your time into perfecting your poem.
There isn't really anything wrong with your poem and I really enjoyed it. The deal about the repetition was just a suggestion either was I still would have enjoyed it.
Anyways, That's all for now. Until next time!
~Temptress~
Hi summerlovee! Whatchamacallit here for a review!
First off, can I just say you ended with such a great line? It left a really great last impression.
Okay, right into the review ...
I love the examples you included here. However, already I notice repetition. 'My', 'my', and 'my' start three lines. I get what you're trying to do, but maybe you could change it up a bit? But since all your stanzas are arranged like this, I get it's a bit hard to change
You start out by saying a home remembers, but then list things you remember. Perhaps, 'a home, it holds memories', would make more sense?
Again, I won't mention the repetition. The reason I mention repetition is because it can make a word lose it's meaning. But anyways, like Sheytato, I can related with racing siblings and all those small things, so I really like how you incorporated that.
I like that you end with a different stanza. Like I said, that last line ... for some reason it really strikes a chord with me.
There were no spelling or grammar mistakes anywhere, so bravo!
Other than that, there's nothing I have to say so ...
Great job!
~Whatchamacallit
Hey there! Shey here for a review!
This piece honestly left me speechless. It was that good. I'm usually pretty critical of poetry, and anything, for that matter, so to find something which to me is this good is rare.
I don't think I could come up with a complaint for this piece of I tried. I'm sure other reviewers will, but for me, this piece was too personal to me. I call this piece personal not because I know the feeling of my home being sold, but because I've lived in the same house my whole life. The ideas of this piece made me realize how incomplete I am without the home I grew up in. Your choice of lines helped me envision the importance of it. The lines discussing the words spoken and not spoken, the small things like racing your brother. They spoke to me, because it showed even seemingly insignificant things like playing with your family are important when looking back.
The lines at the beginning of the piece really displayed the passing of time. I could feel with you, the house aging. As someone on the younger end of the YWS spectrum, I couldn't personally feel this. But, it made the piece more powerful anyway, because I realized that eventually that will happen to me, and in the future, I will have to watch "my home become a house."
Overall, wonderful piece! Keep up the great work, cause I look forward to seeing more from you!