Her laugh always sings,
Her eyes alight like crystals,
Her past never seen.
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
Are you sure you want to delete this comment? This cannot be undone.
Mark this comment as a review? Points will be awarded to the poster.
Your comment was posted, but it wasn’t long enough to count as a review. Reviews need about four complete sentences (at least 250 characters). Try writing another review that explains your thoughts in more detail — the author will appreciate it, and you’ll earn points for it.
129,275 Literary Works • 671,501 Reviews
I was not expecting a haiku. When I clicked on this, I was expecting a long poem that would be tedious to read about some girl's laugh and how this guy ached for her etc. etc...
Wonderfully refreshing. Bravo.
So I'm curious, I can see by your profile picture that you are a girl. So is this poem a romantic er... "statement" dedicated to another girl? Or this about a friend or a theoretical character in a theoretical world...? I was just wondering.
So I loved this poem. You created something truly powerful in just 3 lines with 17 syllables. Great haiku, and I look forward to seeing more works from you as I peruse the literary works of Young Writers Society.
Keep Writing!
-Gravity
I'm really glad you liked the piece and found it refreshing
Always a good thing to hear! As per your question...haha it's not a romantic gesture about another girl, it's actually about one of my best friends who hides behind her smile and has the ability to put up a false perception of herself to those who don't know her background, like I do. Honestly, thanks, I'm really pleased you enjoyed reading it.
3 powerful sentences to build a poem? Yeah, truely effective.
I agree to the concept but really wish there was more to this.
There could have been a little more, just so that the concept was clear.
This is my opinion.
Keep writing!
I love the mystery your words carry
Thanks, I'm really glad you liked reading the piece and found it effective! I definitely understand what you mean about wishing there was more, but eh, it's a haiku and they're short and sweet and hold a little mystery I think poems need sometimes, to allow the reader to fill in the blanks for themselves. Thanks!
Yeah ofcourse
Although this poem is 3 lines, I like the connection I feel by the time I'm done reading. It makes me wonder about the people I see everyday who always seem happy and joyful and makes me wonder what kind of pain they might be going through or have been going through. In this poem, is the character behind "her" actually you?
I'm really happy you were able to feel the connection! The character in this particular poem is not me, but rather one of my close friends.
This is really good. Kind of gave off the feeling to me that how she is at present doesn't represent her past and how she is at present could be deceiving as her past could be something dark and horrible. Really liked this, very deep and effective.
Thanks so much - I'm glad you liked it and found it effective
Hi rothwise!
I really do wish you would elaborate more! I get that you were aiming for a short poem, but it really takes a while to master. It's extremely difficult to present an idea in its entirety with a few selection of words. Like in a college English and Composition class, the goal is to be selective of your words. To not find substitutions for words, but finding the exact word you want to convey.
While this is a very good start, I'd like you to try rewriting it, or please please elaborate, because I think so much more could be said!
A positive comment about your poem is that you were consistent with your verb tenses, and consecutive with the last line "her past never seen" kept in past tense, because it was describing the past. I don't know if you did this on purpose, but it is very witty and a great rhetorical skill.
Keep it up!
-Sbitonti
Thanks so much for your review:
I completely understand what you're saying about elaborating more, and I definitely would, except that I wrote this piece as a haiku as you'll notice by the 5-7-5 syllable scheme, and I didn't intend to expand past it being a haiku. Thanks so much though!