Criticism is like needlework,
sewn deep into my skin.
I bleed its ink in my every step,
the black liquid pouring from my veins
and outlining the footsteps
I leave in my past.
Words define who I am.
I am a compilation of words
written on paper and formed
in voices that clog my pores.
I cannot help but digest
the critics every thought,
and while my body attempts to reject
the foreign seeds of hatred,
my mind welcomes them with heavy alliance,
allowing them to blossom into vines
that rope themselves around my every nerve,
squeezing my life out of me.
They leave an empty corpse
that shuffles through the day
with a blank stare
and weighted step,
reacting only when – so slowly –
life is pumped back in
through kind-spoken words.
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140,237 Literary Works • 673,049 Reviews
Hi there!
Well, it's a bit scary starting to write this review considering what this poem is about.
I like the idea of needlework, and I think you keep it up through the poem even more "overtly" to tie it all together.
In the first stanza, I get that "black liquid" is a direct substitute for ink, but I was thinking it could perhaps made more interesting if you described a sensation rather than just colour, for example. I feel like the image would be even more effective if you described it as "sharp" or something along those lines - after all, we all know how awful it feels to spill lemon juice on a paper cut, and it seems that that's the sort of effect you want to create. I feel like that bit needs something extra, at least, since "black liquid" in itself is a bit dull.
Another thing to pay attention to is that you use the word "my" quite a lot throughout the poem. In some cases, I think it could be replaced by "the" or even just cut altogether in order to avoid the repetition. Have a play around with that!
In the second stanza, you could even delete the first line. I think it sounds a bit cliche and doesn't leave room for the rest of the stanza because it takes it all up with its blandness, if you will. It's a shame really, because I especially liked "voices that clog my pores" - beautiful!
I quite enjoy the third stanza and the description in it. It's very relatable! The first two lines could be tweaked a little, though - and actually, I just had a thought that maybe they could be cut as well? I tried reading it without these two lines, and I kind of enjoyed how it turned out!
The final stanza is a good ending! I wasn't sure about the word "shuffles" or the bit between the dashes. I do think like "so slowly" should be there in some form, but between the dashes it looks too out of place.
I hope this helped, Rothwise! I think you've got a good work here.
Demeter x
"Criticism is like needlework,
sewn deep into my skin.
I bleed its ink in my every step"
As someone who has faced a lot of criticism, this poem is very relatable. I especially love the opening lines, that I have quoted above.
You have done well to continue this metaphor that the criticism becomes you and something that you carry with you forever.
However the last verse doesn't quite seem to fit in with the rest (it may just be me).
Overall you have done a great job and hope you keep writing.