Young Writers Society

Thanks Kafka and Harshita for reading! I'm glad both of you liked it

COOL!!! Great poem...!! very funny and I enjoyed reading it...!!

Hey Roth! Here I am again.

This was an interesting poem. I must say that, before you read more of my review, I am not the biggest fan of rhyming, but I'll try not to let that taint my opinion.

Despite this idiosyncrasy, I did very much like this. It's amazing how you were able to inflate this single moment into a beautiful, full-sized poem. You really are a master of that craft.

Here is my complete review:

My mouth's agape with boredom
My eyes are wet, as glass #FF0000 ">The comma adds a sense of style, but it also really just kills the simile. I would get rid of it.
Once again, as I so often am#FF0000 ">,
I'm sitting in my class #FF0000 ">Instead of "my," how about "this" or "the?"

My head is growing heavy,
My eyelids are cinder blocks
My pencil's speaking Gibberish
My arms are made of rocks

My feet are filled with marching ants
My bladder threatens leaks #FF0000 ">Just "leak."
My nose is running 20 laps
And still my teacher speaks #FF0000 ">Great line.

My thoughts are lost in the Yukon
My eyes are fixated on the walls #FF0000 ">This line is quite long, and kind of disrupts the rhythm. I think it would be fine to cut out the "are."
The window's partly open
And freedom gently calls

Oh, my brain is draining
Where is my savior bell?
Please let your sweet call
Draw me to the hall
I'm stuck in High School Hell #FF0000 ">Whoa, this is pretty strong....

Hey I'm new here and was just exploring the site. Your poetry is very good and grabs readers attention! I'm sure we can all relate to the drudgy subject of school. However, in some places you did fail to rhyme and there were some spelling mistakes. I loved it all until I came to your last line that I did not so much agree with. Yes I'm sure we're all thinking it, but if I were you(which I'm not)I would keep the readers guessing. You need to have a little more jazz to sum that last line up. I really liked how you referred to "my savior bell". Don't we all wait for that bell to ring and call the school day to a close?! Good topic and other than the last line it is near perfection. Again, I am new so you don't have to take my advice or even listen to me at all! Just have fun with your story!
***RJ

This was very good. Now into my review....

My mouth's apage with boredom
My eyes are wet, as glass
Once again, as I so oftem am
I'm sitting in my class

My head is growing heavy,
My eyelids are cinder blocks
My pencil's speaking Gibrish
My arms are made of rocks

My bladder threatens leaks

Oh, my brain is draining
Where is my savior bell?
Please let your sweet call
Draw me to the hall
I'm stuck in High School Hell

Hmmm....pretty good, if this is, as you say, your "first attempt at poetry". The spelling errors ("oftem" should be "often"; "Gibrish" should be "Gibberish"; etc...) do, unfortunately, decrease the attraction of the piece. Simple mistakes like this make your work seem lazy and readers are less likely to give you the respect you deserve. So before you make another post, I'd recommend being extra sure that your grammar is immaculate. Also, the last stanza seems a bit awkward rhythmically. Otherwise, your poem is quite clever.