Did you know
that if a tear comes out your right eye first,
then you're crying out of pain?
I have cried like this too many times......
.
Did you know
that if a tear comes out your left eye first,
then you're crying out of joy?
I feel as though, I need to cry like this more.......
.
Whether it was a family member dying,
or my father losing his job,
I would cry from my right eye first,
instead of my left.........
.
So, I went to my room,
and looked at my knife collection.
I grabbed the largest one,
and got ready to thrust my arm......
.
There I was, in the church,
but not in my regular seat.
Instead, I was up front,
in a coffin, with a picture of me on top..........
.
There was my family,
my parents, my grandparents,
aunts and uncles, and they all started
to cry, with a tear from their right eye first.........
.
Here is my spirit,
up in Heaven, with those who have passed,
where I belong, with my Savior! For some reason,
God was done using me for His good works..........
.
Here was Jesus,
and He walked right over.
He said to me, "Let's go Luna.
We have much to do, and much to see."
.
And for the first time,
that I can remember,
I cried a tear, no- a river,
that started out from the left eye first.
*This is not based on a real event*
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140,428 Literary Works • 673,184 Reviews
Hi!
I really liked the emotion in this. The repetition about the eye and the tear and all that was great! It was very sad, this piece, and kinda haunting (in a good way). I think you told a story really well.
Just a few things.
Firstly, you have a lot of unnecessary commas that throw off the flow of the piece. Here are some:
You can delete the comma after "know."
Delete the comma after "know" here, too.
Delete the comma after "though," and there's too many dots after "more." It should be just three dots, like "..."
Delete the comma after "time."
Then there're some other issues, too. Like:
You don't need that many dots after "times." Just three would work fine.
"Your" should be "you're."
Period goes INSIDE the quotation marks.
Okay, beyond that, I liked this! You definitely put a lot of care and time into writing it, I can tell, and the emotion's really really good! It was sad and tragic but also uplifting and hopeful.
Keep writing and good job
dang it (stupid punctuation points!!!!!!!) XD and I do the extra dots on purpose. I know it should only be 3 dots but everyone does that, and I wanna be a little more original ^_^ but thx for ur concern and I will fix everything else ASAP!
It is a great story but I wished that you had gone on to explain what god did with Luna.
Overall the poem was emotional.
It was sad but also a great way to look and see before you do something look to see what it will do to others and how it will effect you no matter the position you are in.
I look forward to reading more of your poems and other things you make
I hope I was helpful
thx for that, and I will totally do ur suggestion next time! I didn't want to make the poem so long that it looked more like a short story in stanzas lol but yea :3
This poem really made me feel emotional! Great, I love it!
thx! I like all comments and reviews sent from any one! thx again!
Wow, I love the introduction to your story, explaining how if you cry from your right eye first, it's from pain and the left eye it's joy. Perfect!
It was amazing, keep up your good work!
You made me feel sad! Good job to you—that's how you want your readers to feel! To want to have emotion filled up inside of them.
Even though there isn't any rhyming included in this—it's great! And not all poems have to have rhyming, although some sound better with it.
I noticed when there was dialogue, you put the period outside of the quotation marks instead of inside.
I like how you also incorporated a name into your poem—so you get a feel of the actual character, you're not just focusing on what's happening.
I loved this poem!
~ WillowPaw1
thx! and I did the period thing on purpose just cuz it was the end of the sentence. but im dumb like that sometimes
thx for liking it! I couldn't think of anything, well, GOOD to ryme and still keep the plot the way I wanted it to be, but thx for ur concern!
Mkay, cool!
Yeah, I know what you mean. It's hard to keep your plot and rhyme.
ya......
OH MY STARS THIS IS SO AMAZING!
I love the way you explain the eye and tear thing. I loved everything about this. There are some spelling errors, but I don't care because this poem is so darn awesome. I also like the usage of the name Luna although it is not really your name. Luna is a pretty name. Also the way you say 'There I was in church, not in my usual seat' instead of just starting with something like 'there I was, dead' or something. Way to be unique. I love the title and I love everything about it. Hooray for you!!!!
thx for liking the name 'Luna'. its my 1st choice on what I would've been named if I wasn't named Hannah. and I wasn't sure about the different kinds of 'weather' so thx for pointing that out. I have that all fixed so its all good! thx again!
~puppys3117~
You're quite welcome. I didn't see it as a big flaw, but I'm glad to help you get better
bahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha
what the heck........ messenger whats the bahaha for!?! (although It did make me laugh :3)