Sunlight poured into the family room. Caleb and Channler were playing Halo 4 on the Toshiba flat-screen television. Channlers' phone started buzzing like a bee in a cage. Caleb paused the game and Channler picked up the phone.
"Hello? Who is this?"
"It's Margret, stupid. Try reading the phone before you answer it next time." A harsh voice shouted out of the receiver.
"What do you want, daddy's girl?" Channler continued, "You already have Savvy in jail, so what more could you need?"
"Put Caleb on the phone. Now." she demanded
"Ok, ok, sheesh." Channler said while handing Caleb the phone.
"Hey, babe. What are you doing?" Margret started off with a flirtatious tone.
"I'm not your 'babe' anymore! I don't even know if I ever was your 'babe'," Caleb replied sternly.
"Fine. Then we will have a trip to the prison tomorrow and get your head messed up again, you annoying boob. Understand?"
"I'm not under your control anymore, Margret, and you know that I just got over my depression. Just let me and Channler play our video game. I don't want to talk to you again this month." Caleb knew if he was away from Margret more than one month, she would bring an uproar.
"Ugh. I knew you would be difficult. Just like the boy I used to know, before that flipping Alex came into our lives. She's where she belongs now though, Caleb. So why don't you just come over to my house? We could have some fun."
"Never. I don't want to do anything with you again." Caleb said as he threw the cell phone on the leather couch.
Channler walked up to Caleb. "Good chat, mate?"
Caleb slapped his friend, then sat down to continue their game.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
The next week came by fast. Margret rang the doorbell of Channlers' house. He answered the door, but wouldn't look Margret in the eye.
"Hello, Channler. Where is Caleb?"
"No where," he replied quickly. "Caleb is... no where."
Margret sighed. "I can tell when you lie to me. Where is he?"
"He is at the Goldman Prison... happy?"
Margret was already in her car. Channler jumped into his Ford pickup truck and followed Margret to the jail. By the time they got there, Caleb was hopping out of his car. He ran into the secured building and ran to cell 209. Margret and Channler hurried to catch up to him. They all stood facing the jail cell. No one was in it.
A large guard walked up to the teens. "Are you visiting?"
"Yes," Caleb told him. "Are we at the wrong cell? I thought Alexis Hamilton was in this one."
"She was. But she escaped last week."
"What! No way!" Caleb said as he rubbed his hand around his chestnut hair.
"We are on high security because of this happening. Be on the look out for her."
"Understood." Margret replied first. She remembered the day that Caleb and Savannah confessed their feelings. Getting Savvy back in jail was the only way Caleb would be her 'babe' forever.
Her plan was sure to work.
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
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125,009 Literary Works • 672,837 Reviews
Hi there! Noelle here for a Review Day review!
Okay, so I totally promised myself that I would read through Book 1 so I could understand what's going on in Book 2. But have I done it yet?? Of course not... xD
So, the cool thing about sequels or books in a series is that you only have to introduce your characters once. You only have to introduce the setting once. That all happens in the first book and you can more on to other things in the second book. However, it is always a good thing to reflect on some events that happened in the first book. For example, something like this is good:
That reminds us that Caleb likes Savannah, in case we've forgotten. Of course, we probably haven't forgotten, but it's nice to have that in there all the same. See if there is more of things like that that you can add in as this novel progresses. I think you'll really benefit from that.
So there is a lot of dialogue in this chapter. Of course, that's not really anything to be concerned about. It's a novel, of course there are going to be those chapters filled with dialogue. You just have to make sure that it's not every chapter that looks like this.
I do want to comment on the first scene of this chapter though. After reading it, I'm left wondering what the point is, to put it plainly. I mean, sure there had to be a time that Margret called Caleb, but why then? Why when he and Channler were playing video games? Are Caleb and Channler talking over something important and Margret interrupts or are they just having a gaming day together?
Staying with that same scene, I feel like it's a bit too rushed. Think about it. It's the beginning of a new novel. Yes, it's a continuation from your previous novel, but it's still the beginning. You don't want to be rushing right into the thick of things at the beginning unless it's absolutely necessary, which I don't think it is in your case. Why not take some time to stretch out the story a bit, explore more of Caleb and Channler's relationship. Yes, their relationship was explored in the first book, but not yet in the second book. And if you do that, your readers will get pulled in all over again and really remember what it is they liked about these friends.
Overall, a nice start to your second novel. You've definitely pulled us in all over again and gotten us to want to read on. That's always important to do even if you're writing book seven of a ten book series and everyone is already dedicated to reading it all. Always find a way to pull the readers in, interest them. I think if you slowed down this chapter a bit it'll work better
For real this time I'm going to go back and read Book 1. I'm not going to review every chapter, but I will comment about halfway through then again at the end, just to give you an understanding of what I'm thinking. Then I'll be all prepared to keep reading this novel! Woop woop!
Keep writing!
**Noelle**
Thanks for that! And I didn't express the relationship of Caleb and Channler on purpose, and I won't. You will see why in either the next chapter or chapter 3. Yes, please read Book 1 to understand stuff XD
This isn't really a review so to speak but I do have some things which I think you could work on to make this even beter.
'"Hello? Who is this?"' Ok, I find dialogue hard, especially when I'm trying to say basic things. The thing with this sentence is that, it sounds slightly wooden. Not many people actually say 'who is this?' do they? Perhaps 'who's this?' or 'who's there?' would sound slightly more natural?
I quite like the way the boys talk to Margaret before almost instantly returning to their game. It makes them sound like boys rather than robots.
I like this so far and I think I might go back and read the first book if it's on here.
Thanks for the kind words ^_^ I will fix they phone conversation, and the first book should be in the related section to the right. It's stupid though (the first book I mean)
Okay this was awesome i will do my major review later and sorry if i dont get to it...
Hi, it's Em101cats!
YAY BOOK TWO IS FINALLY HERE!!!!! And it's more suspenseful than ever!!! I'm dying to know what happens next.
This part doesn't quite make sense. Didn't you say they were sitting next to each other?
Nowhere's one word. But I used to do that all the time, don't worry.
Woohoo! Those are the only things I noticed that could be fixed! Yay! You're doing better and better
Keep up the fantastic writing! And keep the suspense high like it is! Love it!
~Em101cats~
(P.S. Snarf!)
SNARF SNARRRRRRF XD I will fix that! Thanks