Look up, above the pines,
To see Jesus' face, so divine.
He will save you, give you relief,
and all you have to do is believe.
*
Look down, below the ground,
And a place called Hell is what has been found.
Satan lives there, and all the demons, too.
Hopefully one of them won't be you.
*
Earth is in the middle,
Separating Heaven and Hell.
It's all because of Lucifer,
So stay down there- where you will dwell.
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140,433 Literary Works • 673,186 Reviews
Hello there!
Maybe it's.just because I'm tired, but I don't think "believe" and "relief" rhyme. According to the other stanzas, I was pretty sure you were going for that same rhyme scheme. Then again, It could just be because I'm exhausted!
What's because of Lucifer? The word "it" is a pronoun, which is basically a word replacing another noun. I recommend changing it to something else.
Even though someone with a different religion than you may be reading this - I still think it's appropriate to write about your religion. If you believe in it, by all means, write about it!
I hope this really short review proves helpful to you in some sort of way!
WillowPaw1~
Hello, puppy!
Oh, really? It has been found? Does that mean I can dig in my back yard until I see little pitchforks and a sign that reads "Abandon all hope, ye who enter here"? Again, don't let your rhyme scheme dictate your language.Nice use of slant rhyme between "middle/Hell."
Here is my honest opinion. It's filled with good intentions.
Honestly, this poem was so preachy that it was a bit offensive. The message I got from this was, "If you're not a Christian, welp, too bad, you're going to Hell." It is difficult to get across the message, "I believe that if you're not Christian, you're not going to heaven," but focusing on the nonbelievers going to Hell is certainly not the most tactful way to go about it. Gosh, I'm a Christian myself and I found this quite blunt and a little offensive.
My advice is to focus on the positive: that if you believe, you can go to heaven and spend eternity with the divine. Yay! So I wouldn't focus too much on the negative, like you do above, but focus on the good part. You're certainly not going to get anyone to believe your side if you're trying to convince anyone to believe.
Add more imagery. Right now, you have "look above the pines" and that's it for imagery. I'm pretty sure you just put that in to rhyme with "divine," too. Don't let your rhyme dictate your language. Show us what is so great about heaven, don't just tell us it's great.
What is? Pancakes? Pancakes are all because of Lucifer? Blogs? Hairdryers? Samsung? If it isn't specified, it could be anything.
All right, this is either really offensive or just like, "yeah, stay on earth." The issue is, you use "there," which similar to "it," is an unspecified pronoun.
I hope this review proves useful to you. Keep writing, and have a nice day!
I didn't know it sounded offensive to some ppl x.x im sorry D: im just trying to get others who don't believe to read this and understand how stupid Hell is XD I will try and rearrange things tho :3
Hello, my friend.
First, as a warning to all whose poetry I attempt to review, I am quite inexperienced at all things poetry. I'm not @Hannah, after all.
I thought this sentence was rather awkward. I felt as though it didn't fit with the flow you had established. Far too bulky. I would recommend restructuring it so that there are less syllabus cluttering the sentence and disrupting the flow.
I didn't exactly understand this line. What is because of Lucifer? That Earth separates Heaven and Hell? That was rather confusing. As well, I would recommend placing a period after "Lucifer."
Overall, I think that , for the message I believe this poem is trying to convey, this poem is extremely effect. Short, simple, and sincere. I am sorry for my limited poetic knowledge. Keep me posted. Happy Writing!
Thx and I will fix those things
Hello there, it's Em101cats and I'm here to review!
Nice describing words, such as "dwell," "divine," and "Satan" (instead of just "devil.") Thanks, I love big words.
First of all, let me just say, I love the way you fit religion in without fear. Few people are brave enough to put in God, Heaven and Hell and other religions in YWS because they don't want people to look at them and say, "Oh, this person doesn't believe what I do, I won't read their stuff or follow them." But people are wrong. So what if different religions choose not to read it? That's their choice and they make it, and the people who choose to read it will definitely like it. You did great! Kudos :3
I like the part about the pine trees. Most people never say what kind of trees they are. They just say 'trees.' XD
I didn't see any grammar or spelling mistakes. Yay!
My only concern is this is short. BUT FEEL FREE TO LEAVE IT THAT WAY! Poems can be short and sweet, and I love them that way. Briefer reviews (less wearing out your typing hands XD) and yeah that stuff. I probably should not have called it a "concern." Oh well, I'm tired and don't want to go back and change that. I'm definitely not concerned about it, I just like hearing about God and stuff and want to see more writing about Him.
Keep up the fantastic writing!
~Em101cats~
thx
and i agree. most people don't want to add the religion, but that's their choice ;P i left it hort because i couldn't think of anything else o-o POOP MY BRAIN ON FRIDAY!!! XD and, to follow your request, i will make a LOT more poems about God, and maybe make them longer *wink wink* XD
I MEANT SHORT NOT HORT XD
HI PUppys me. I loved your poem so... so ... So religious!
I wrote my first poem and I wish u wourld read it its called pretty face ugly heart.
love poem.
PUncuation was great along with your spelling and grammar
I love the poem because its about Jesus and Hell and
how you should believe in Jesus so you don't go to Hell. That is good stuff and good advice too. I think anyone who doesn't believe should read this. It might tell them something about being a demons in hell instead of being a new body in heven. It really makes sense why you did that. casue ur a Christian and I love you for being born in the world to know The lord and the holy spirt and god and jesus and know that hell is a horrible place and that we shouldn't got to it. Well talk to you later.f
Love
Dogsrule5
thx
derp!